Good Vibes

What the hell are "good vibes"? Apparently, they could mean about 10 different things, so that's absolutely no help at all. You can keep your vibes to yourself, dude.

Spiraling

Wow, I'm an absolute fool; a complete fucking idiot. I feel like I just got sucker-punched in the stomach, wholly used and disgusted. The shit just keeps getting deeper and deeper. 

As I run it back over and over, spiraling further and further, the questions are endless. Why did you invite me to lunch? Why were you so attentive? Didn't your hand linger on mine? Was your skin on fire? Were you angry when I pulled you away, or was it something else? Did you want me? Do you even care that I'm dying inside? Did you want to ask me to stay?

But all these questions I never asked received a very loud response today for I was just invited to a demo.

God! How unbelievable I am, to think it could be me, just me?! Maybe not crazy, but definitely stupid and incredibly naive. A woman my age should know better - what a laugh! How hilarious this must be to you. 

You know I never asked for closure, but I never could read a room, could I?

Humiliation

After several years in a job I did not love at an employer I did not love, I made a move at the beginning of the year. Though I certainly don't regret leaving my old job, I have found myself in an even worse situation than before, a fear-based workplace with toxic leadership. 

At one point in my career, I was appreciated, respected, included, but now I can do nothing right. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Where I once felt confident in my achievements and was passionate about my work, I'm now left with mostly dissatisfaction and bitterness. 

But today was exceptionally hard. A top executive told me my response was "garbage," and I was absolutely humiliated. 

No surprise to my readers, I spend inordinate amounts of time reflecting on things I could have done differently, better. Do you know what I wish I had done? I wish I stood up, said thank you, and walked out. If a child can stand up to a bull, why the hell can't I?!

The Red Umbrella

I left my umbrella in the stand in the lobby. It's red canopy is lying at the bottom of the metal rack waiting, waiting for someone to notice it and maybe even take it home. 

Maybe I'm still waiting there too, knowing the end is coming so soon and unable to stop time. He's walking away, and as I reach out to stop him, I realize I shouldn't and pull my hand away. I look at my fingers as they fall to my side.

I'm going through it, but I know I've got to keep going - Heal by Tom Odell. 

It's Already Gone

I knew it from the moment he sat across from me at the table. Under his baseball cap, his eyes peered out inquisitively and thoughtful. His white teeth intensified by his coppery, sienna-colored skin. I wanted to know him. I wanted to touch his face. Was I staring? I have a tendency of doing that when I'm enamored with something or someone. 

As the days passed, the absurdity of it was enough to dampen the swell, but only for a moment because the choices we make all have consequences, large and small. Did he linger when I walked in or was it my imagination? Thrown in his periphery again, how bold will I be? Should I be? Is he just being kind? Am I only a potential client, being wooed, being vetted?

So many questions. Too many questions. Was I projecting or was it a two-way street? Yet, giving words to something has long-term consequences and for him, I wouldn't allow it. Be damned the impact on me. I'd already crossed the street; there was no going back.

Then, do you dance? No, but I will for you. 

On the walk home, there's silence. All the things left unsaid, hanging like old spiderwebs in the night. And as he exits the elevator, does he look back? I can't remember, and it's killing me. 

When you're listening to everyone else, who listens to you? Who do you tell your secrets to? He never let me close enough to ever really know. Go to sleep. 

On the flight home, I can't write it all down quickly enough. It's pouring out of me like the tears falling down my face. I need to capture it all, but, "You can't take a picture of this; it's already gone." Plus, he could literally be my child. 

Word of the Year: Perseverance

For 2024, I didn't create grandiose resolutions of losing weight, getting fit, or saving money. Instead, I chose a single word and built my aspirations and dreams for the year around it: perseverance.

2023 had more challenges in it than I would have liked. Two surgeries, one more elective than the other, and recovery is just.damn.hard. Coming to terms with my physical health failings has been one of the most difficult parts of getting over the hill, but today, I'm feeling good physically, mentally, and emotionally...and that's a win!

Nobody

Sometimes I just miss him. I think about all of the "what if" scenarios. My mind creates unspoken dialogue, unhappened interactions, and unexpressed emotions that he will never hear, see, or feel. And it just makes me profoundly sad. 

"Nobody could love me the way that you do." 

Nobody by Dynamq