It's the guilt that will eat you alive, the guilt over having done a bad, bad thing. But was it really oh so bad? No, probably not. It's more of a frustration with myself for having been unable to make a different decision, a better one less significant as simply a different one. And unless other life changes occur in grandiose ways, I will probably continue this pattern of less than stellar decision-making. Yes, it is undeniable weakness, but it is also sheer boredom and a simple inability to believe someone is not good at the core.
I am jealous. It makes me sick to say, but if blogging isn't for the truth, then what is? I have so many close friends that have recently met worthy significant others, and I am genuinely happy for them. (Please, I'm not so heartless - you know me better than that!) But the jealousy remains. Why? Because I want the same for myself. I want someone to spend time with, do things of common interest with, just be with. I am ready for a boyfriend, not someone to play with, not someone to see occasionally, but someone who puts me first and thinks of me constantly. I am tired of the schmuck in my life, and especially tired of the monotonous vultures.
And, yes, I do feel in many ways that I am being left behind. Being a third or fifth wheel has its time and place, many times an extremely welcomed one, but in the other times and in the other places, I look at the couples in my life and sigh with regret.
My Caribbean boyfriend's birthday is in a few days, and I know my well wishes will receive no response. Yet, I will still send my message, because, well, I love him. What else can I do?
No comments:
Post a Comment