Sabotage

I've recently had a few discussions with some friends on the topic of self-sabotage, particularly in regard to relationships. Although in different ways, I feel that they are insinuating the same idea - that I may be sabotaging my own relationships. Perhaps arrogantly, but I just don't think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're probably agreeing with them; however, when I look back on all the relationships that didn't work out - irrelevant of the reason they ended - I'm glad that they did. Now, of course, that realization came much later, but nonetheless, it is true. I believe in my heart and in my soul that none of those men were indeed the best choice, the right choice, for me.

It's always difficult, virtually impossible, to look objectively at your own situations, your own problems, your own issues. A long time ago, I had a boyfriend who used to call it being "in the bubble." You aren't able to effectively assess anything inside the bubble. So, what exactly is it in me that is sabotaging the ability to have a healthy, normal intimate relationship with a man? If it's simply being me from the very beginning, then so be it. Who wants a semi-version of me? Maybe a lot of people. But that's not what I want. I want someone I can trust my secrets with and someone who can share their deepest secrets with me. Someone who loves the bad parts as much as the good parts, and why should those come out later when they all come together to complete ME? If I'm "too much" now, how am I not going to be "too much" later on? Really.