Update: Drowning

I briefly mentioned in a recent post that I planned to text my Caribbean boyfriend - I guess I shouldn't call him that anymore, should I? - on his birthday. Well, I did, and as I predicted, I received no response. I believe that if I were to ever hear from him again that it would have happened then...

And I am drowning. Sometimes I literally wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air because I cannot find him. He fills every morsel of my being, even when I am unaware, and his absence leaves me breathless and shaken. In his wake, I am a sea of despair, battered and lost.

And when people ask if I am ok, I just want to shout as loud as I can that NO, I am NOT ok. How do you find your way when your soul is gone, and you can't will yourself to accept the reality that you're never getting it back? I don't know how to function without hope. I have always had hope, even when it was futile at best, yet it has left me alone as well.

Everyone and everything else was just filler because I knew I could never have him, yet he was mine. He was my everything. When I met him, I finally felt at home, and I was on a Caribbean island for goodness sake! But he's gone, and I have lost him forever. And the sea is tossing and turning and I don't know which way is up...sometimes I'm not even sure that I care.

"Have you ever met someone and when they walked away you could breathe again? Have you ever thought about someone, even though it has been months since you have seen them? Have you ever felt as if someone flowed with your heart that when you do see them again you melt all over again? But now he is gone. Still with my heart in his hand, and thoughts of him flowing through my body."