Life in Review

When I first began this blog, I wrote a piece on closure and then shortly afterward, I talked about the last time I spent with the man who keeps me up at night. I was reading through some old emails I had sent him, and I came across this one. "My Closure." I have changed it slightly for anonymity and privacy, but I wanted to share a bit of it publicly. It's amazing to look back at your life in review...

I guess in many ways I never wanted closure with you, so I will take responsibility for that. A part of me still had hope, hope for what exactly I honestly don't know - at least some sort of friendship, I suppose. Whatever the reason, not finalizing things with you meant that the possibility still existed. Sometimes hope is enough, you know.

But you also never gave me any opportunity for closure. I asked to talk to you, and you said no. I guess I wasn't even worth that, was I? You said that you were tired of me putting you down and saying you were a bad person, so why was any further conversation needed? Plus, the "other woman" doesn't get to talk, does she? Only you get that luxury. Never mind the countless times I stayed and tried so hard to be a positive part of your life or the countless times I waited for you to come, and then in the end, you couldn't even tell me you weren't coming until I asked. But to you it was inconsequential, not to see the woman you supposedly loved.

So, I went to my Caribbean island and rediscovered that I am beautiful, smart, and funny, and being emotional doesn't make me a bad person but actually someone that maybe someday someone will appreciate, respect, love, fight for, and occasionally put first...wow, what a concept?!...And then you walked back in my life...

And I've genuinely liked having you back in my life. Why? Because you were different from before. You treated me differently. You weren't disrespectful, condescending, or patronizing, like you used to be. You even apologized for some things, which was more than you really had ever done before. And then I really thought a new city would be good for you, give you the environment to be that person that I wanted you to be, and not for me, but for yourself. But that all changed yesterday. I was back to being "childish, immature" and "overreacting." I wish I had a nickel for every time you said to me that I needn't be so sensitive, because then I would be rich and would just pay someone to be with me. (Ok, that was supposed to be funny.) But seriously, you will never change. Perhaps that is truly how you see me, and why would anyone stay in a friendship of any kind where you're seen as those things? After all, I'm only a 9, and a very sensitive one at that. Shame on me, right?

All you had to say was "I would really love to see you and I want to spend time with you when you come but I have a prior engagement." Instead I got only more excuses. You never could see my perspective before saying something...but we're both to blame for that, I suppose. I would like to believe I tried to see yours, but it just beat me down in the end. So, I officially apologize for not being strong enough...strong enough to not wish better for me. And damn me for being so excited - yet again - about the possibility to see you, spend time with you - when you really couldn't care less. You're right - I need a man to chase me, not the other way around, which is how it's always been with you and I, hasn't it?

My mom said something to me this morning, and it was so perfect for you and I..."Sometimes people are put into our lives for a reason, we may not know that reason, and then they are gone from our lives.  This all happened because of something that is going to happen sometime later. We don't know when that will be, but it will be." I'm glad she still has hope for me and in me.

I wanted you to be more than a reason, even more than a season, but as I continue to learn, I rarely get what I want. This is my closure. I've said all of the things I was never able to say to you for one reason or another, and I feel good about it. So, here's my anger, written down for you. Why shouldn't it be written? Our entire relationship was via text anyway...It's a year now of everything I wanted to say to you but said to my mother instead.