Passion for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?

This is an update to my previous post, so if you need to go back and read it first, please do so...now. :)

I am the most emotional person I have ever met. An amazing statement, I know - to be that reflective and insightful upon my own personality flaws, but I know no one that cries as much as I, loves and hurts as much as I, and just in general, feels as much as I. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried...all day today. Ironically, I'm not even sure I completely understand why. There's just a great sadness upon my heart, something to do with the injustice of love not being enough, even when it's requited. Some might say crying is my passion, which sounds quite morbid, but my pain, my love, my hunger are made known and made real through tears of joy and tears of sorrow.

A motivational speaker I recently heard said that passion is many things - it's unspeakable hope; it keeps you up at night; and often it can be unfriendly, and even angry, but without it, we would be unfocused, undriven, and unproductive. It is what fuels our needs, our desires, and our loves.

My love of, for, and with this particular man is PASSIONATE. It's often ugly and full of turmoil and grief, lots of grief and pain, but sometimes, it's so incredibly beautiful and amazingly perfect. I had not seen him in many months, and the external force reflected from our inner thoughts and emotions projected itself across the room the very moment we laid eyes upon one another. As he said, we picked up exactly where we left off, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

The grand decision - whether to meet or not - which was left up to him in the end did not come easily. Once again, I was left begging, pleading for him to stay true to his word. Weeks of excitement, declaration, and innuendo regarding our long overdue visit led to hesitation and questioning, all part of his usual repertoire, and at the final hour, he tried to pull away. The external issues still at play, with new ones added for grandiose effect, he was once again awash in his inability to follow through with his heart's desires.

I won, in the end, but exactly what I won I am still unsure. We spent the first night relishing simply in one another's presence, yet true to my word, no holds were barred when it came to my need for clarity on that which constitutes 'us.' I asked question after question, and received more than satisfactory answers for every provocation and projection issued. The vibrant passion that had enraptured us months earlier overwhelmingly enveloped us, and it was as if a single day had not passed since our last meeting.

The second night, however, brought back the impenetrable wall that had flanked the sides of our relationship previously, and really, what can you do with a wall? My trepidation and insecurities again reared their ugly heads as all of the external forces compounded into his guilt and regret. Difficulties that had lurked behind every corner during our relationship were back, and I was once again not enough to change to world. Why would love never be enough to conquer the world?

Life-altering day? 24 hours later, and I honestly don't know. We both believe our story is still not over, and I want to relish in his hope. No, I want to roll around in it until I'm soaked in it. I want to believe every word he says, regardless of the numerous times his actions do not match, because, well, because I love him with a passion unparalleled, desperate and greedy in its intensity. A love that has been waiting, not-so-patiently, within a woman that always chooses her heart over her head, for better or for worse. So, we're definitely more than a reason, and he says more than a season, so only time will tell wherein the truth lies.

(During my travels, I always compile a song list that reflects the emotions, feelings, and experiences made. For this trip, I dedicate one song: Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.)