Say What You Need to Say

I can tell you my entire life story through song...seriously. In high school, it was Meatloaf - unparalleled idealism performed in comedic fashion and over-the-top drama. In college, I was in LOVE with Sarah McLachlan - forlorn, melancholy, heart-wrenching loss of love, etc., etc. Picture it, don't you?

John Mayer's Say What You Need to Say is always a powerful one for me. Typically, it's a reminder to tell your loved ones how you feel because you never know when you may no longer get the opportunity, but recently it's taken on a new connotation for me. I've often held back because, well I'm Southern, and we just don't do that. But just today I was reading my Southern Living magazine (I'm not sure why I have a subscription as I don't garden, home decorate, or cook AT ALL, but I'm hoping it has something to do with the food and travel articles??) and there was an interview with the country music singer Miranda Lambert. The writer asked her "What makes a Southern girl?" and her response was "She is sweet and hospitable but also confident and strong. A Southern girl isn't a pushover and will kick your $%! if needed." Precisely! So, with that in mind, I've recently changed my strategy in some situations.

One prime example is the break-up with my good friend. I had allowed many situations and discussions to go unfettered with little to no response from yours truly, but my new attitude is that no one is going to take care of me but me and I deserve to have my side heard as well. Now, in no way does that mean that I think it's ok to be intentionally hurtful or callous; I'm just no longer going to be sweet and unassuming to the point that I am being bullied, you know? I still think there is a time and a place for everything, and at no point is it ok to "air dirty laundry in public" or other such nonsense. I also think jumping on every battle is going to lose the war, but continuously letting sleeping dogs lie only serves to fuel the flame.  Ok, enough with the colloquialisms...you get the picture.

I also had another situation spring up this morning. I dated a man this past year, and he was everything that my ex was not, some good and some not so good. For every intensely passionate moment shared, there was probably an equally passionate moment of anger and hurt that I rarely chose to share with him. Why? Well, a lot of reasons - I loved him in a way different from any other man, I knew he had a difficult life, and I wanted to be the one thing in his life that wasn't filled with pain and turmoil. But in that scenario, there is no one taking care of me. My needs, my feelings, my desires more often than not went unfulfilled and even unacknowledged. It's been 6 months since we were together, and all of that emotion bubbled over today. I've never felt more...light. Perhaps it was harsh. Perhaps it was too much, but it was time that he knew at least a bit of what I felt for months. I don't know if our story is over, but for the moment, I am closer to peace.

With my Caribbean friend, the song takes on yet another meaning for me. I'll go into the details of our story in another blog one day, but for now, suffice it to say that meeting him has even more encouraged me to not hold back my feelings for someone, to not be afraid to love or share that with its intended, because all they can do is not love you back, right? And though that hurts, hurts like hell sometimes, wouldn't it be worse to never know that they really loved you back?

Finally, the song's implicated meaning in my opinion - my father passed away in 2003. We were not close as adults, and for all intents and purposes, I hated him. Yet, there are things now that I do wish I had had the courage to say to him, the understanding to recognize his weaknesses, and the ability to distinguish that from my hate toward him.

So, perhaps sometimes it may very well be better to say too much than to not say anything at all...