Some things are simply unforgivable. Some actions, some words you just can't take back, and in a single moment, in a flash of an instant, your feelings about a situation or a relationship are changed forever.
I recently got into an argument with a man that I have known for several years, a man that I once considered a soulmate, but I guess even soulmates have expiration dates sometimes. In reflection, I cannot recall an argument so angry and heated where the outrage that is typically coupled with disappointment, shock, or profound sadness was just that - pure and unadulterated fury. The stark realization is that the passion may not have been all his, but the content certainly was. And though the times we've shared over the years will always be cherished memories, my desire to know him going forward was made null and void. I wish him no ill-will, none at all; simply our paths have diverged for good, and quite possibly have been for some time.
With my ex, in his rage, something quite unlike his typical character, he called me out on my one single most fear in life. I will never forget it. And in that moment, my decision was made. Perhaps it was more of a culminating point than an isolated incident, but nonetheless, it cemented the decision, the decision that would change our lives...forever.
Be careful what you say. Be careful what you do. If you do say it, if you do do it, own it. Stand behind it, but move forward to something bigger. Don't let it make you bitter but rather better.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Let's Get Real
As you already know, I am rarely at a loss for words when it comes to journaling, but this one has taken all day to formulate. I've had a million blog titles running through my head, and countless fleeting thoughts, but coherence of those thoughts has managed to escape me.
If someone were to ask me about the purpose of life, I'm not sure that I would have an answer, much less a good one. But at the bare minimum, I think it's about people, the coming and going of relationships, the moments in between, and the lessons learned from mistakes made. One conversation, one comment, one disconnection can change the course of a relationship, of a life, forever.
The problem with great expectations is that they're often inherently unattainable, but even more so when they're never expressed. Let's get real! How can you have a true and honest connection with someone if you never see their ugliness? True honesty isn't about saying what someone doesn't want to hear; it's about opening your pandora's box for someone else to appreciate, to learn, to love. And if you can't do that, then really, what is the point in any of it?
My sadness may define me, but it does not dictate every action I take nor every decision I make. Am I the person I want to be? Not yet, but everyday I'm getting closer. And if you can't handle it, then that's your problem, not mine.
If someone were to ask me about the purpose of life, I'm not sure that I would have an answer, much less a good one. But at the bare minimum, I think it's about people, the coming and going of relationships, the moments in between, and the lessons learned from mistakes made. One conversation, one comment, one disconnection can change the course of a relationship, of a life, forever.
The problem with great expectations is that they're often inherently unattainable, but even more so when they're never expressed. Let's get real! How can you have a true and honest connection with someone if you never see their ugliness? True honesty isn't about saying what someone doesn't want to hear; it's about opening your pandora's box for someone else to appreciate, to learn, to love. And if you can't do that, then really, what is the point in any of it?
My sadness may define me, but it does not dictate every action I take nor every decision I make. Am I the person I want to be? Not yet, but everyday I'm getting closer. And if you can't handle it, then that's your problem, not mine.
Dream State
So, I have this problem with nightmares. Not the ones of the someone is chasing me or I'm naked variety, but real nightmares - about things that could actually happen. I'm confident it's directly linked to some anxiety over a person or situation. However, every once in a while, I have a nice dream, a really nice one, like last night. And it felt so...real. And I wanted it to be...real. But when I awoke, I realized that it wasn't...real. And I was sad. But for those few moments, I was exactly where I wanted to be, and how often can you really say that?
Adventure #7: Ice Skating
For women in the South, ice skating isn't exactly a common extracurricular activity, probably having something to do with a lack of snow and ice. However, the advancement of technology has heralded the advent of outdoor ice rinks even in more temperate climates, and I had the fantastic opportunity to don a pair of ice skates for a bit over the weekend.
Though always a tad apprehensive upon first stepping onto the ice, I tend to get a little more confident, perhaps even cocky, as the laps go by. I'm reminded of my mortality, however, as increased speed + inability to stop quickly + too much pedestrian traffic = VERY close calls. I'm going to thank the many years of dancing for my miraculous ability to somehow maintain a general upright nature and my butt off the ice!
Though always a tad apprehensive upon first stepping onto the ice, I tend to get a little more confident, perhaps even cocky, as the laps go by. I'm reminded of my mortality, however, as increased speed + inability to stop quickly + too much pedestrian traffic = VERY close calls. I'm going to thank the many years of dancing for my miraculous ability to somehow maintain a general upright nature and my butt off the ice!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Changing Seasons
Before becoming a big city girl, I grew up in a very small rural area in the South. Some of the things I miss most are men opening doors, lazy Sundays at my grandparents, and the gradual changing of the seasons. For as long as I can remember, autumn has been my absolute favorite time of year, and if the day ever comes, I hope to get married under the falling leaves of orange and red.
Other things have seasons, too, and sometimes that's a difficult lesson to learn or even admit to yourself. The most difficult is when you desperately want something to last more than a season, but it's just not meant to be and it's time to move on to a new time of year, a new season. It's often hard to ascertain exactly what it is that has changed and why a new season is upon you. Being able to accept the course of a life, of a relationship, of a feeling...why must that transition be so harsh and seemingly vindictive? What of the deliberateness of the progression of nature doesn't translate into the complexities of life and love? And if it must be so severe, why must it always seem that we are alone in the transition? Does nature feel the same way?
Other things have seasons, too, and sometimes that's a difficult lesson to learn or even admit to yourself. The most difficult is when you desperately want something to last more than a season, but it's just not meant to be and it's time to move on to a new time of year, a new season. It's often hard to ascertain exactly what it is that has changed and why a new season is upon you. Being able to accept the course of a life, of a relationship, of a feeling...why must that transition be so harsh and seemingly vindictive? What of the deliberateness of the progression of nature doesn't translate into the complexities of life and love? And if it must be so severe, why must it always seem that we are alone in the transition? Does nature feel the same way?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hottness!
This post is going to be short and sweet...
I'm beyond ecstatic to discover that I am WAY hotter than my ex's current girlfriend. Too much?! Who cares! LOL Totally made my day all day today! Sometimes it's the little things...
I'm beyond ecstatic to discover that I am WAY hotter than my ex's current girlfriend. Too much?! Who cares! LOL Totally made my day all day today! Sometimes it's the little things...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Adventure #6: Dining Out Alone
This morning, I woke up and decided to do the unthinkable, but then I remembered how Carrie Bradshaw had wrestled with the same issue...dining out alone. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to eat good food. One of the things I miss the most about being in a relationship is dining out with a significant other. Now, I'm not talking about fast food, but actually going inside a restaurant, ordering with a waiter, sitting there and eating, and then asking for the check and tipping him/her.
So, I walked into a nearby restaurant and did just that, and you know what, it wasn't so bad, sitting there alone, eating a delicious breakfast. I think I might just do it again...sometime. And maybe, just maybe, I'll try to strike up a conversation with someone.
So, I walked into a nearby restaurant and did just that, and you know what, it wasn't so bad, sitting there alone, eating a delicious breakfast. I think I might just do it again...sometime. And maybe, just maybe, I'll try to strike up a conversation with someone.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Update: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
I have a confession to make...
A few weeks ago, I shared a post about closure, and in that post, I was relating an experience I'd had about a man who decided to apologize to me a month after the fact. Well, last week after crying my eyeballs out...again...over a man I can not be with, I decided to give him a chance, a chance at least to apologize, rather than being cold in my reception to it. Happily, we struck up a really nice conversation and discussed at least hanging out a bit.
So, last night, I tentatively asked if he had plans for the evening, but he was unable to get together. Quite awhile after our conversation, I received a note from him, telling me that he was seeing someone, but was really attracted to me and had wanted to see us both. In the end, he had realized that wasn't fair to either one of us and didn't know how to bring it up with her! He knew he should have been honest with me last week when I contacted him, but since I'm really great and cool, and he enjoys hanging out with me...on and on and on...until he realized there was nothing he could say to fix things. I simply told him he was an ____ (pg-version!) and I am the stupidest person I know...for giving everyone in my life second, third, and fourth chances to screw me over. I also told him that he's right - I'm amazing. It's easy to SAY it's his loss...
So, for the third time in 2 weeks, a man has lied to me. Wow! Not the kind of records I would like to be setting...
By the way, my mom asked if this is really helping me at all, this blogging and such. I told her that yes, indeed, this blogging and such is exactly what I need...need to tell my story, a story not unlike many others, but unique in the simple fact that it's mine.
"Love comes in its own time and its own way." My mother's hope for me is becoming increasingly difficult to trust, especially when apparently I can't really trust anything that anyone says to me.
A few weeks ago, I shared a post about closure, and in that post, I was relating an experience I'd had about a man who decided to apologize to me a month after the fact. Well, last week after crying my eyeballs out...again...over a man I can not be with, I decided to give him a chance, a chance at least to apologize, rather than being cold in my reception to it. Happily, we struck up a really nice conversation and discussed at least hanging out a bit.
So, last night, I tentatively asked if he had plans for the evening, but he was unable to get together. Quite awhile after our conversation, I received a note from him, telling me that he was seeing someone, but was really attracted to me and had wanted to see us both. In the end, he had realized that wasn't fair to either one of us and didn't know how to bring it up with her! He knew he should have been honest with me last week when I contacted him, but since I'm really great and cool, and he enjoys hanging out with me...on and on and on...until he realized there was nothing he could say to fix things. I simply told him he was an ____ (pg-version!) and I am the stupidest person I know...for giving everyone in my life second, third, and fourth chances to screw me over. I also told him that he's right - I'm amazing. It's easy to SAY it's his loss...
So, for the third time in 2 weeks, a man has lied to me. Wow! Not the kind of records I would like to be setting...
By the way, my mom asked if this is really helping me at all, this blogging and such. I told her that yes, indeed, this blogging and such is exactly what I need...need to tell my story, a story not unlike many others, but unique in the simple fact that it's mine.
"Love comes in its own time and its own way." My mother's hope for me is becoming increasingly difficult to trust, especially when apparently I can't really trust anything that anyone says to me.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Adventure #5: Midnight Movie
Last night, I went to the midnight premiere of an extremely popular series, the fourth of five. I am not ashamed to say that I have never been to a midnight movie before, and it turned out to be a delightfully fun and youthful experience. I was tickled pink at the giggly girls in the audience and the few overly-supportive males who were somehow persuaded to join their girlfriend/fiance/wife for the most disgusting of romantic movies.
I saw the movie with a new group of friends, too. While waiting the two hours before the start of the movie, we talked all things life, love, and relationships - well, what else are women to do with time on their hands and no men in sight?! Turned out to be a great decision to forfeit sleep over a few hunky men - yeah, who in their right mind would NOT do that?!
I saw the movie with a new group of friends, too. While waiting the two hours before the start of the movie, we talked all things life, love, and relationships - well, what else are women to do with time on their hands and no men in sight?! Turned out to be a great decision to forfeit sleep over a few hunky men - yeah, who in their right mind would NOT do that?!
Sex, Lies, and Videotape
This post is NOT about sex or videotape, but I got your attention, right?! What it is about, though, is lying, and particularly the vast haziness that covers the expanse among an outright lie, a partial truth, and full disclosure.
I am open, honest, and upfront...to a fault, but quite frankly, I don't understand why everyone is not like me.
Recently, my Caribbean friend dropped a bombshell on me...the dreaded "I have a secret" and "I've been wanting to tell you for a long time." In the end, his secret is probably not that earth-shattering, but that's not the point. The point is that I open my heart and pour everything out of it for you; why can't/won't you do the same for me? Secrets have no place in my world and certainly not in my heart. Why would you want someone to fall for or even simply like a partial or fake version of you, when most of the time, the real version of you is a much better one?
And is there really a difference between a lie and a secret? The impetus for the problems in my last relationship were a direct output of a huge secret in his life, one that he so eloquently chose to wait 6 weeks in which to tell me. In hindsight, had he told me the first night, I probably would have still entered into a relationship with him. There are times, as in both of these cases, where lies are said to protect people, sometimes from real danger. My question is why I seem to meet a disproportionate amount of men that fall into this category!
Furthermore, it's a lot like closure - sometimes it only makes the one saying it feel better, not the one receiving it. That's what I've thought a lot about over the past few days - at this point, his "secret" doesn't change the past or my feelings for him; it only serves the purpose of making me feel stupid and him look untrustworthy. Maybe some things are just better left not known, you know? And, yes, my naivete is astounding, but it makes me sad to know that trust has to be earned rather than assumed.
I am open, honest, and upfront...to a fault, but quite frankly, I don't understand why everyone is not like me.
Recently, my Caribbean friend dropped a bombshell on me...the dreaded "I have a secret" and "I've been wanting to tell you for a long time." In the end, his secret is probably not that earth-shattering, but that's not the point. The point is that I open my heart and pour everything out of it for you; why can't/won't you do the same for me? Secrets have no place in my world and certainly not in my heart. Why would you want someone to fall for or even simply like a partial or fake version of you, when most of the time, the real version of you is a much better one?
And is there really a difference between a lie and a secret? The impetus for the problems in my last relationship were a direct output of a huge secret in his life, one that he so eloquently chose to wait 6 weeks in which to tell me. In hindsight, had he told me the first night, I probably would have still entered into a relationship with him. There are times, as in both of these cases, where lies are said to protect people, sometimes from real danger. My question is why I seem to meet a disproportionate amount of men that fall into this category!
Furthermore, it's a lot like closure - sometimes it only makes the one saying it feel better, not the one receiving it. That's what I've thought a lot about over the past few days - at this point, his "secret" doesn't change the past or my feelings for him; it only serves the purpose of making me feel stupid and him look untrustworthy. Maybe some things are just better left not known, you know? And, yes, my naivete is astounding, but it makes me sad to know that trust has to be earned rather than assumed.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Adventure #4: Wedding
Stop laughing! For some of us, going to a wedding is an adventure, but for me, going to a wedding alone is definitely an adventure, and typically not a welcome one.
It's that time of my life - the time of weddings and babies, and sometimes even second weddings and second babies and third babies and...well, you get the picture. Anyway, for reasons I may one day explain in more detail, I typically choose not to attend weddings alone. However, I did go to a very nice ceremony and reception yesterday and I had an incredibly fun time! I danced - by myself! - for hours. I LOVE to dance, in case you've been living under a rock and haven't figured that out yet, and I don't care where I do it or who's watching. I'm sure it's highly entertaining for spectators, but I only dance for myself.
Dancing is an adventure, and whether you like to do it or not; whether you are good at it or not; whether you haven't done it in a long time or went out on the town last night, put on a good song and start dancin'!!
It's that time of my life - the time of weddings and babies, and sometimes even second weddings and second babies and third babies and...well, you get the picture. Anyway, for reasons I may one day explain in more detail, I typically choose not to attend weddings alone. However, I did go to a very nice ceremony and reception yesterday and I had an incredibly fun time! I danced - by myself! - for hours. I LOVE to dance, in case you've been living under a rock and haven't figured that out yet, and I don't care where I do it or who's watching. I'm sure it's highly entertaining for spectators, but I only dance for myself.
Dancing is an adventure, and whether you like to do it or not; whether you are good at it or not; whether you haven't done it in a long time or went out on the town last night, put on a good song and start dancin'!!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Movie Moments
A few posts ago, I talked about how I can tell you my entire life through song. Well, I can also tell you my entire life through what I call movie moments - episodes that for all intents and purposes look like they come directly out of a movie, whether that be a drama, romance, or romantic comedy. I have no doubt that it's a direct output of my mad passion and tendency toward all things dramatic.
Love Walked In is a novel that I read last year while going through the break-up with my ex, and sometimes a book just resonates perfectly with your current life situation and circumstances. That's what this book did for me. It doesn't have the best reviews, but I found it to be full of amazing quotes about the complexities of love and relationships, intimate and otherwise, from the perspective of a woman not unlike me in many ways. Instantly, the first page drew me in with the narrator's fixation on "the way people turn moments in their lives into movie moments."
A few years ago, while with my ex, I met a man who I recently mentioned I consider to be a soulmate. I am personally not naive to the fact that regardless of your current relationship status and/or your love and affection for another, there will inevitably be qualities in someone that crosses your path that you find to be attractive in some way, worthy of thought and consideration. Our movie moment happened on a rooftop, of course. "The story was gorgeous and devastating, and it left me with a choice of two possible interpretations, like two paths."
With the man who keeps me up at night, it's been nothing but oscar-worthy moments of fire and ice. Standing on the back stairs of a hotel, asking me to look at him, to believe him, him wanting to do more, provide more, wanting to give me what I need, but unable to do so. And kissing him, well kissing him is like liquid gold flowing down a mountain of bliss and rapture. I'll leave it at that, because 1) I need to try to keep this blog somewhat pg-rated, and 2) there are those who don't want to hear about the most intimate moments of my life, though I can't imagine why not?! "Maybe love comes in at the eyes, but not nearly as much as it comes in at the ears."
Well, isn't that really what life is all about, the ugly and pretty of it, and all the movie moments in between. "Knowing what you love and why, I found out, is as real as it gets."
Love Walked In is a novel that I read last year while going through the break-up with my ex, and sometimes a book just resonates perfectly with your current life situation and circumstances. That's what this book did for me. It doesn't have the best reviews, but I found it to be full of amazing quotes about the complexities of love and relationships, intimate and otherwise, from the perspective of a woman not unlike me in many ways. Instantly, the first page drew me in with the narrator's fixation on "the way people turn moments in their lives into movie moments."
A few years ago, while with my ex, I met a man who I recently mentioned I consider to be a soulmate. I am personally not naive to the fact that regardless of your current relationship status and/or your love and affection for another, there will inevitably be qualities in someone that crosses your path that you find to be attractive in some way, worthy of thought and consideration. Our movie moment happened on a rooftop, of course. "The story was gorgeous and devastating, and it left me with a choice of two possible interpretations, like two paths."
With the man who keeps me up at night, it's been nothing but oscar-worthy moments of fire and ice. Standing on the back stairs of a hotel, asking me to look at him, to believe him, him wanting to do more, provide more, wanting to give me what I need, but unable to do so. And kissing him, well kissing him is like liquid gold flowing down a mountain of bliss and rapture. I'll leave it at that, because 1) I need to try to keep this blog somewhat pg-rated, and 2) there are those who don't want to hear about the most intimate moments of my life, though I can't imagine why not?! "Maybe love comes in at the eyes, but not nearly as much as it comes in at the ears."
Well, isn't that really what life is all about, the ugly and pretty of it, and all the movie moments in between. "Knowing what you love and why, I found out, is as real as it gets."
Friday, November 11, 2011
Passion for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?
This is an update to my previous post, so if you need to go back and read it first, please do so...now. :)
I am the most emotional person I have ever met. An amazing statement, I know - to be that reflective and insightful upon my own personality flaws, but I know no one that cries as much as I, loves and hurts as much as I, and just in general, feels as much as I. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried...all day today. Ironically, I'm not even sure I completely understand why. There's just a great sadness upon my heart, something to do with the injustice of love not being enough, even when it's requited. Some might say crying is my passion, which sounds quite morbid, but my pain, my love, my hunger are made known and made real through tears of joy and tears of sorrow.
A motivational speaker I recently heard said that passion is many things - it's unspeakable hope; it keeps you up at night; and often it can be unfriendly, and even angry, but without it, we would be unfocused, undriven, and unproductive. It is what fuels our needs, our desires, and our loves.
My love of, for, and with this particular man is PASSIONATE. It's often ugly and full of turmoil and grief, lots of grief and pain, but sometimes, it's so incredibly beautiful and amazingly perfect. I had not seen him in many months, and the external force reflected from our inner thoughts and emotions projected itself across the room the very moment we laid eyes upon one another. As he said, we picked up exactly where we left off, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
The grand decision - whether to meet or not - which was left up to him in the end did not come easily. Once again, I was left begging, pleading for him to stay true to his word. Weeks of excitement, declaration, and innuendo regarding our long overdue visit led to hesitation and questioning, all part of his usual repertoire, and at the final hour, he tried to pull away. The external issues still at play, with new ones added for grandiose effect, he was once again awash in his inability to follow through with his heart's desires.
I won, in the end, but exactly what I won I am still unsure. We spent the first night relishing simply in one another's presence, yet true to my word, no holds were barred when it came to my need for clarity on that which constitutes 'us.' I asked question after question, and received more than satisfactory answers for every provocation and projection issued. The vibrant passion that had enraptured us months earlier overwhelmingly enveloped us, and it was as if a single day had not passed since our last meeting.
The second night, however, brought back the impenetrable wall that had flanked the sides of our relationship previously, and really, what can you do with a wall? My trepidation and insecurities again reared their ugly heads as all of the external forces compounded into his guilt and regret. Difficulties that had lurked behind every corner during our relationship were back, and I was once again not enough to change to world. Why would love never be enough to conquer the world?
Life-altering day? 24 hours later, and I honestly don't know. We both believe our story is still not over, and I want to relish in his hope. No, I want to roll around in it until I'm soaked in it. I want to believe every word he says, regardless of the numerous times his actions do not match, because, well, because I love him with a passion unparalleled, desperate and greedy in its intensity. A love that has been waiting, not-so-patiently, within a woman that always chooses her heart over her head, for better or for worse. So, we're definitely more than a reason, and he says more than a season, so only time will tell wherein the truth lies.
(During my travels, I always compile a song list that reflects the emotions, feelings, and experiences made. For this trip, I dedicate one song: Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.)
I am the most emotional person I have ever met. An amazing statement, I know - to be that reflective and insightful upon my own personality flaws, but I know no one that cries as much as I, loves and hurts as much as I, and just in general, feels as much as I. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried...all day today. Ironically, I'm not even sure I completely understand why. There's just a great sadness upon my heart, something to do with the injustice of love not being enough, even when it's requited. Some might say crying is my passion, which sounds quite morbid, but my pain, my love, my hunger are made known and made real through tears of joy and tears of sorrow.
A motivational speaker I recently heard said that passion is many things - it's unspeakable hope; it keeps you up at night; and often it can be unfriendly, and even angry, but without it, we would be unfocused, undriven, and unproductive. It is what fuels our needs, our desires, and our loves.
My love of, for, and with this particular man is PASSIONATE. It's often ugly and full of turmoil and grief, lots of grief and pain, but sometimes, it's so incredibly beautiful and amazingly perfect. I had not seen him in many months, and the external force reflected from our inner thoughts and emotions projected itself across the room the very moment we laid eyes upon one another. As he said, we picked up exactly where we left off, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
The grand decision - whether to meet or not - which was left up to him in the end did not come easily. Once again, I was left begging, pleading for him to stay true to his word. Weeks of excitement, declaration, and innuendo regarding our long overdue visit led to hesitation and questioning, all part of his usual repertoire, and at the final hour, he tried to pull away. The external issues still at play, with new ones added for grandiose effect, he was once again awash in his inability to follow through with his heart's desires.
I won, in the end, but exactly what I won I am still unsure. We spent the first night relishing simply in one another's presence, yet true to my word, no holds were barred when it came to my need for clarity on that which constitutes 'us.' I asked question after question, and received more than satisfactory answers for every provocation and projection issued. The vibrant passion that had enraptured us months earlier overwhelmingly enveloped us, and it was as if a single day had not passed since our last meeting.
The second night, however, brought back the impenetrable wall that had flanked the sides of our relationship previously, and really, what can you do with a wall? My trepidation and insecurities again reared their ugly heads as all of the external forces compounded into his guilt and regret. Difficulties that had lurked behind every corner during our relationship were back, and I was once again not enough to change to world. Why would love never be enough to conquer the world?
Life-altering day? 24 hours later, and I honestly don't know. We both believe our story is still not over, and I want to relish in his hope. No, I want to roll around in it until I'm soaked in it. I want to believe every word he says, regardless of the numerous times his actions do not match, because, well, because I love him with a passion unparalleled, desperate and greedy in its intensity. A love that has been waiting, not-so-patiently, within a woman that always chooses her heart over her head, for better or for worse. So, we're definitely more than a reason, and he says more than a season, so only time will tell wherein the truth lies.
(During my travels, I always compile a song list that reflects the emotions, feelings, and experiences made. For this trip, I dedicate one song: Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Decisions - Life-Altering or Otherwise
Some decisions are easy to make; others are so difficult that we agonize over them, going through the possibilities in our heads and our hearts over and over again. I may do something tomorrow that a lot of my friends and family think I should not do, but if able, I'm going through with it. I have to...for me. It may not be the right decision, but it's the best decision.
However, sometimes decisions are not only ours to make, and it's now in his hands and in his heart. I have said all that I can say, and the rest is up to him and fate, if you so believe. After tomorrow, I may finally have some clarity and if necessary, the closure that I never wanted but is needed. Or I may still have unanswered questions and unfulfilled emotions. And only later will I know if tomorrow is a life-altering day or just another day.
However, sometimes decisions are not only ours to make, and it's now in his hands and in his heart. I have said all that I can say, and the rest is up to him and fate, if you so believe. After tomorrow, I may finally have some clarity and if necessary, the closure that I never wanted but is needed. Or I may still have unanswered questions and unfulfilled emotions. And only later will I know if tomorrow is a life-altering day or just another day.
Adventure #3: Running
Ok, I must tell you that running is not exactly a new adventure for me. I've been doing it for over 10 years now and started long-distance running about 5 years ago. But it became a new adventure for me this past weekend as I set a new PR! and met someone while doing it that I will never forget. She is middle-aged and it was her first long-distance race. She was officially a race "virgin."
I had all of about 5 minutes to give her my pep talk, and in the end, I think she gave me one instead. About 3 minutes into the conversation, she pulled out an index card. On it were names of people, 1 for every mile. Her plan - at every mile, to pray for that person she had listed. She had her own name for the last mile. Wow! I was truly moved by her selflessness. I don't know if she crossed the finish line, but I prayed for her several times while running and was thankful for having had the opportunity to stand next to her at the start line for those 5 short minutes.
I had all of about 5 minutes to give her my pep talk, and in the end, I think she gave me one instead. About 3 minutes into the conversation, she pulled out an index card. On it were names of people, 1 for every mile. Her plan - at every mile, to pray for that person she had listed. She had her own name for the last mile. Wow! I was truly moved by her selflessness. I don't know if she crossed the finish line, but I prayed for her several times while running and was thankful for having had the opportunity to stand next to her at the start line for those 5 short minutes.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Closure - For Better or For Worse?
Closure. What is it? Why is it important? Why is it more important to some of us than others? For me, it's about finality, being able to move on due to having learned from the past, and having as much information as possible about why something ended the way it did. For me, there are never too many questions or too many answers.
A few months ago, I met a man, and silly me, I got excited about him. Why, you ask? Because he looked good on paper and felt good to touch. LOL Type is of no relevance to me, and I date a wide variety and myriad of men, I'm not ashamed to say. I think it only adds to the complexity that is me.
Well, this man in particular checked off a lot of my boxes...if I actually had boxes to check off! But it wasn't meant to be, I suppose, and in the end, I realized that he only wanted a physical relationship. However, he was never clear about his intentions, which would have been the "adult" thing to do. In all honesty, I didn't know this man well enough to know whether I wanted a relationship beyond friends with him, but I was disappointed in not having the opportunity to find that out.
So a few nights ago, I get a text from him - an apology, no less. What?! I hadn't heard from him in over a month. An apology that late in the game...is it truly for the person you're apologizing to or really just for yourself? For me, the gesture only brought up the bad feelings and hurt that I experienced because of the situation. Perhaps he needed closure? But instead of trying to clarify things, which would have been more understandable to me, it came across as superficial and selfish. And, seriously, was there really anything to "close"? LOL
There are also the relationships and situations where sufficient closure is never gained. Is it more difficult to garner the lessons that must be learned? Does it make it harder to move on, to find peace? To fully disclose, I have some people in my life where I don't want closure. A part of me, I suppose, would like to believe that the hope and possibility of having another chapter(s) with said person still exists...sometimes an end is more of a comma rather than a period.
My advice - be as open and honest as you can with others about your own personal feelings. Understand and appreciate that people have different ways of processing and expressing thoughts and emotions. Care enough about someone to recognize that their needs sometimes must outweigh yours. Be willing to give and accept closure if and when needed.
A few months ago, I met a man, and silly me, I got excited about him. Why, you ask? Because he looked good on paper and felt good to touch. LOL Type is of no relevance to me, and I date a wide variety and myriad of men, I'm not ashamed to say. I think it only adds to the complexity that is me.
Well, this man in particular checked off a lot of my boxes...if I actually had boxes to check off! But it wasn't meant to be, I suppose, and in the end, I realized that he only wanted a physical relationship. However, he was never clear about his intentions, which would have been the "adult" thing to do. In all honesty, I didn't know this man well enough to know whether I wanted a relationship beyond friends with him, but I was disappointed in not having the opportunity to find that out.
So a few nights ago, I get a text from him - an apology, no less. What?! I hadn't heard from him in over a month. An apology that late in the game...is it truly for the person you're apologizing to or really just for yourself? For me, the gesture only brought up the bad feelings and hurt that I experienced because of the situation. Perhaps he needed closure? But instead of trying to clarify things, which would have been more understandable to me, it came across as superficial and selfish. And, seriously, was there really anything to "close"? LOL
There are also the relationships and situations where sufficient closure is never gained. Is it more difficult to garner the lessons that must be learned? Does it make it harder to move on, to find peace? To fully disclose, I have some people in my life where I don't want closure. A part of me, I suppose, would like to believe that the hope and possibility of having another chapter(s) with said person still exists...sometimes an end is more of a comma rather than a period.
My advice - be as open and honest as you can with others about your own personal feelings. Understand and appreciate that people have different ways of processing and expressing thoughts and emotions. Care enough about someone to recognize that their needs sometimes must outweigh yours. Be willing to give and accept closure if and when needed.
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