Indecent (or Otherwise) Proposals

In the span of three days, I have received two separate proposals from two different men. Moreover, in the 30+ years of my life leading up to this point, I had never received a proposal of either type previously...wow.

The first was what you assumed - a marriage proposal. The most ironic part of the situation is the realization that this is not the first time he's asked, it's just the first time I've really listened. My inability to believe that someone could love me enough to want that with me...See, my Caribbean boyfriend is in love with me, and I with him. Our love is one that no one will ever understand. It is uncomplicated in a way that no other relationship in my life is; it is a love that stands the test of time. Others would be jealous to have such a love, and I am not ungrateful enough to take it for granted, even in the least.

"Que se mueran los incredulos envidiosos...si es que no aceptan nuestro idilio...nuestro amor no es fugaz ni pasatiempo, es valiente, muy estable sin complejos"

But then there is always Superman, flying around. He who would forego a marriage for a child. How can one even entertain such a notion when there is constant instability, inconsistency, and insecurity in the relationship? I would blame his culture, but ultimately, does that even matter? His love for me is fleeting and volatile. Even if I wanted a child, that is not the environment in which to raise one.

So, I told my Caribbean boyfriend that we would spend a week together loving each other and letting everything else fall into place as it may. I told Superman he was crazy. I think all of it is the simple truth.

Head Vs. Heart

Someone asked me the other day, between the head and the heart, which one is the leader. When I responded that I didn't know, he said I was the only one who could decide that for myself. Of course, I know he's right, but that knowledge certainly doesn't make finding the answer any easier.

I think most people would say they are both important, but is there a definitive ruler? Does it depend upon the situation? Perhaps even the person or people involved? What happens when one starts to outweigh the other? Ultimately, there are times when one has to emerge as the victor...right?

When you know your heart is going to hurt, but you just can't or won't give up the small pieces of happiness for the big pieces of pain, are you simply prolonging the inevitable, causing yourself undue grief and heartache, or is there any worthiness at all in the small triumphs?

Superman continues to circle around. There have been many, many fireworks, but also many, many disappointments. Can you really have passion without the drama, though? And if not, how do you reconcile the two, knowing how important passion is in your life?

Inspired by a direct quote from one of the most beautiful women in the world and one of the best dancers: Dance Again by Jennifer Lopez

Adventure #22: Boardwalk

It's been a long time since I had an "adventure" of any noteworthy significance. Somehow I strayed from a major premise of this blog, but I make a promise to both me and you to at least strive to maintain the integrity of this venture.

This week I treated my staff to a night on the boardwalk, with dinner, dancing, playing in the fountains, games, rides, and lots of fun. On the way home, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and satisfaction. And that's precisely the reason I decided to take this journey...alone. I have not laughed so much in a single evening in quite a long time. It was truly unforgettable, and I know how lucky I am to work with such amazing individuals.

Birthday Woes

With each passing year, marked pointedly with days called birthdays, I become less excited about the festivities and more burdened by the further realization of my mortality. As yet another 30+ year passes by, I can't help but be reminded that I am yet still unmarried and unable to maintain a love of any endurance. It is quite humbling to be reminded that at the end of it all, we really are all alone.

And as he has been doing for several months now, Superman continues to plague my thoughts as I continue to dwell over what exactly it is that I hope to gain from our relationship, particularly the new territory I feel it has recently entered. I am not bothered by wanting to try dating again, but I have always struggled with the in-between, the exact place we find ourselves constantly. I know I am still enamored by his presence, and I must keep that in check as we have begun to spend more time together.

So, my sincerest apologies for the morbid post today, but as one of my fondest students always says, "on the bright side," my Caribbean boyfriend sent me a wonderful birthday greeting.

Patience is a Virtue...

...that I do not have. While in high school, I participated in a scholarship pageant, and one of the interview questions was to choose three things I would like to change about myself. My lack of patience was my first one. I seriously have none...none for people, none for things. I am definitely a product of needing immediate attention, gratification not as much. So, it's the waiting that drives me crazy...the unknown, the willing something, anything, to happen.

And in the spirit of this post: Patience by Guns 'N Roses

Circles in the Sand

"Everything comes 'round full circle." Do you believe that's true for everything? Do you believe that the deserved get what they deserve and the undeserved don't...in the end?

The last update on Superman was filled with trepidation, turmoil, and broken trust (again). Following that encounter, I emerged, albeit not immediately, more in control with some semblance of closure. For over a week, I have felt much better about the relationship, the beginning and the end, and the in-between, where we find ourselves now. Interestingly, as some things do come full circle, he's now the one who is uncertain and wanting...and I would be remiss not to admit that a part of me, though I am not proud of it, is revelling is this knowledge.

But I'm still (and always) dreaming of an island where I can make my own circles in the sand...

What Do You Want From Me?

It's a simple question. It should have a simple, straightforward answer. "I want to get to know you better." I want to spend time with you." "I want to have sex with you." "I want you to love me." More often than not, though, I get responses like "I don't know" or "I'm confused."

It's the question sometimes associated with the DTR. Sometimes it's the question one asks when seeking a DTR conversation. But at the heart of the question is an admission of vulnerability; asking it almost always indicates a need for assurance, for confirmation, for more. So, how disheartening, how deflating, when the answer isn't more definitive. And if he's not sure, then why am I?

The Chicken or the Egg

We all know the old adage about which came first: the chicken or the egg, but what of love and hate? Which came first? Did we love first? Or hate? Can you truly love if you don't truly hate?

A current issue on the national screen is that of same-sex marriage. If you know me at all, you can guess my stance on this issue. Whether you can admit it to yourself or not is irrelevant; denying some human beings the rights of others is discrimination and hate. It really is not rocket science. Why must tears and blood be shed simply to grant individuals their basic human rights as just that - human beings? Why must we fight wars for equality and acceptance?

And using and/or hiding behind your faith sickens me even more. In no worldly or otherwise dimension do I think the Master Designer is looking down/up/at us and thinking we are living out his hopes and dreams for us. Remember, the greatest of all things is LOVE.

I suppose love came first and over time, we determined that hate was simply easier...

And because you're long overdue for my other love, Romeo Santos and bachata: La Diabla/Mi Santa (The Devil/My Saint)