Adventure #31: Three-Ring Circus

Over the weekend, I embarked upon a new adventure. I put on my imaginary leotard and took to the trapeze. Yes, the trapeze, as in the apparatus that crazy people in the circus fly through the air on. And.it.was.awesome...and very difficult. LOL

I have been sore for the past three days, so sore in fact that I couldn't type this blog. Ok, that's a lie, but it sounded good, didn't it?

I love trying new things. Life is short - get out there and join a circus!

Valentine's Day is CrazyTown

My least favorite holiday of the year was last week: Valentine's Day. Yes, it's supposed to be a day of love and passion, something of which I seem to be a connoisseur, yet I am disgusted by having to dedicate one single day to giving something we should give freely and with reckless abandon (in my personal opinion, of course).

So, as it may be, singles tend to loathe the holiday, and really can you blame them? Interestingly, though, this V-Day brought with it quite a few unexpected surprises. About a week ago I went on a first date, an actual date, with a new beau, a teacher. As I had not heard a peep from him since the date, I was pleasantly surprised when flowers were delivered to my office. Beautiful hydrangeas at that! (Thankfully, not your substandard boring roses!)

Now that we are at the 3-date mark, I am still unsure of my intentions with him. I find him intellectually-stimulating, thought-provoking, and sharing similar interests, yet I'm just not sure that I want to rip his clothes off...and isn't that what it's all about after all? In all seriousness, I do find him attractive; I am just not sure the chemistry is all there, but very unlike me, I am trying very diligently to just let it all figure itself out and enjoy the moment. So with that in mind, I am looking forward to the next date with the teacher.

And without further respite, I do think you are overdue for an update on Lizard. Last week, we had a serious conversation about our relationship, and I was able to gain a bit of insight into his world. Some of the things that I find most intriguing about him are also the things that I am struggling with...the mystery, the lack of attention, the uncertainty. Yet, on Valentine's Day, I received well wishes, candy, and a flower, which is such a positive step for him. So I know all of this worry results from my own insecurities. For I can feel in the things he says and the things he does the truth, and I am calling on every part of me to gather the patience to see this through. For there is certainly not a lack of chemistry, passion, and soul with this man. My skin is on fire every moment I spend with him...and I can't truly say that has been the case since the first weekend with Superman.

So Valentine's Day wound up being a bit CrazyTown, a new phrase I've recently picked up. A date with the teacher and a night of dancing with Lizard. Since everything in my world seems to be some sort of CrazyTown, I only think it's fitting, and my favorite part about it is it's Lizard's new nickname for me. 

In a valiant effort to simply be Still With Me by Tritonal...

Adventure #30: Women's Conference

I spent today with about 40 other women, of all ages, ethnicities, and professions, at a women's conference, and though largely a day full of over-energized motivational workshops, there was a single significant moment of realization. That realization, which felt like deja vu, brought me right back to another conference, and particularly an exercise of introspection and purpose. The exercise focused on our passions. The other conference attendees wrote of things such as family, faith, and career. I, on the other hand, wrote about my single-most passion, of course: dance. 

And in that single significant moment today, I realized that two years later, I am pursuing that passion in a formidable way...I joined a dance team this week. And isn't that one of the greatest adventures there ever was!

"Life is a GREAT ADVENTURE or nothing." -Helen Keller

Perception

Perception is everything. I know you've heard that one before. Well, it is...really.

Recently at work, I've been speaking with other managers in the office about what is perceived to be too many absences and tardies by some employees. One of the managers took it upon herself to delve into the situation and research whether the perception is indeed factual. Interestingly, in her mind, it's not. She does not think the compiled absences and tardies are noteworthy; I, on the other hand, think they're outrageous...but again it's about perception, and that differs immensely from person to person.

What of Lizard? My perception is multi-fold. I have no doubt that he is intimately interested in me, even beyond a physical state, yet his actions often tell another story. He is largely uncommunicative and has even acknowledged his lackadaisical attitude and genuine uninterest in dating...anyone. So, is it any wonder that at times I feel our relationship is purely sexual? Perception.

And that brings me to the dancer. Though mostly out of my life at the moment, for which I am most assuredly grateful, his birthday was yesterday, and being a friend, I sent him the obligatory birthday wishes. Upon further analysis, however, over the course of the day, it became alarmingly apparent that we are in actuality not friends at all. His definition of "friend" is nowhere near synonymous with mine. Perception.

Yesterday seemed to bring quite a few revelations. I received a message...completely out of the blue...as I have not heard from him since Christmas. At the moment, though, there is no perception...it just is and that is enough.

Reflections In the Mirror

This is going to sound altogether fairly conceited, but nevertheless, I spend quite a bit of time in front of the mirror. I always have. In high school, getting ready for football games, it was not unheard of for me to spend 2-3 hours curling my hair, putting on makeup, and choosing the perfect outfit to watch a bunch of sweaty boys throw a ball around and tackle one another!

Many moons later, and relatively little has changed. Preparing for nights out on the town takes a LOT of preparation, you know!

The thoughts that go through my head while I'm going through this crazy routine are also very, well, crazy, and it involves quite a bit of reflection. In some ways, there has been some movement on determining my intentions with Lizard. The problem inevitably is that I am not sure we have the same intentions for one another. There are moments of great tenderness and care, but the interim periods are completely without communication, indicating the very opposite. I feel that I have been clear with my expectations, and yet, he has not delivered...and it makes me sad.

Keeping in mind my resolution for the year of finding a boyfriend, I just can't say we are on the same page and where does that leave me exactly? We are supposed to see each other tonight, and I am at a divine loss as to handle it. A large part of me wants to approach him again, but I also know that acting nonchalant is probably a better course of action. So what do I do?! Do I try for more, for what I truly want, or do I settle for what I have? For those moments we share together are truly incredibly nice.

A blogger I follow recently posted an entry entitled reflecting. In this post, she is pondering the current state of a new relationship: "For me, I've never trusted that someone could be frustrated or unhappy with me and still want to be with me, or still like, or love me." Furthermore, "if things don't work out, if this is all it takes for things to fall apart, then I suppose it really wasn't meant to be. And while that will suck, I will be ok. In the end."

The problem is that my head knows this but my heart is always light years behind....

Today, you are indeed a lucky duckling as you get THREE songs: Majesty and Glory was the "theme song" of my high school choral department. I can still sing every word of this song just as if I were still wearing my curly bangs and glasses. Decided to find a pretty version of it on youtube today and it made me Cry by Faith Hill to think how awesome this world and this life truly are. And despite wishing my Caribbean boyfriend had cried just a little to show me that he really had cared, I am still so grateful for him having "brought out the best of me, a part of me I'd never seen," which brings me to All I Want by Kodaline. "If you loved me, why'd you leave me?"