Update: Irreparable Damage

I've written a few posts on similar topics previously: here and here, but this entry is most closely related to my last one about disappointment.

I need to set one thing clear: this diatribe isn't about not getting what I wanted for Christmas, ok actually maybe it is. The truth is that I asked out loud for "normal" gifts received on this holiday, things like perfume, cds, and jewelry, and those are all items that I found under the tree on Christmas morning. But, you know what? What I really wanted, down deep in my soul, wasn't actually so tangible. I wanted time well spent with friends and family, and sadly that is not what I have received. In some cases, perhaps my true desires weren't so verbally expressed, but in other instances, my intentions were crystal clear. Regardless, if someone means something to you, wouldn't you do everything you can to show that person how much they mean to you?

My friendship wasn't important enough to even garner a personal apology, but even if I'd received one, I know my soul would not have been receptive to it. "Some actions, some words you just can't take back, and in a single moment, in a flash of an instant, your feelings about a situation or a relationship are changed forever." Some relationships, no matter their length, just can't be fixed, and consistently excusing their behavior won't make the bonds whole again. Plus, that would never be my personality anyway. I have always and will always refuse to be someone's doormat. When hatred is rooted deep, at some point you just have to stop laying down like one, even when it may hurt someone else close to the situation. At the end of the day, no one is going to take care of me but me.

My anger, my fury is fueled by my sadness, and isn't that the worst kind? To make matters worse, my soul has been damaged, and when your soul is hurt, how do you really repair that? My ex, after four years, was quite familiar with all things me, and my difficult relationships were no exception. Selfishly, it's times like these that I miss him the most, because he alone could understand my hurt better than anyone else.

Interestingly, though he's been known to let me down more than the average joe, much more I'm afraid, the man who keeps me up at night has been my surprising comfort during the past few days...I guess sometimes they do surprise you, in a good way.

Disappointment

This day of the year is always a difficult one for me. Even if I have fun things planned, I always seem to approach the day with an impassive attitude that is often prevailed by a pervasive sense of mortality and general gloominess. Today was no different, despite being in a place where I feel most at home.

The overarching theme of this blog though is one of disappointment, on a day already fraught with the blues. I seem to deal with this issue a lot in my life, something to do with my "high expectations" of people and situations. I've mentioned this character flaw of mine previously, but you see, the thing is that I don't think I have high expectations. I think my expectations are quite realistic and attainable. It's really quite simple - if you say you're going to be there, be there. If you say you're going to do something, do it. I'm not so naive as to believe that emergencies never prevent even the most well-intentioned plans from being realized, but whatever happened to the golden rule? It almost seems like a foreign concept, a concept that in yesteryear was not only a norm but almost a requisite for social behavior.

Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of the people closest to me letting me down. Perhaps selfish of me, but when you only get to see me a few times a year, shouldn't you do everything you can to see me, come hell or high water...maybe that's just me and the people that I care about, but if I agreed to see a friend of mine weeks in advance, I can assure you that I would be there and at the time agreed upon, probably earlier.

On a much lighter note, I received an early Christmas gift this week, an actual phone call from my Caribbean friend. It was so unexpected, and isn't that the best type of gift there is?! Conversations with him are always so comfortable and easy, and I can't help to be transported right back to the island of sun, right where my heart belongs. Maybe the rest of me can meet my heart there someday...

Double Standards

One of the topics that has been at the forefront of my hamster wheels lately is that of double standards. We all judge people, whether intentionally or otherwise - someone's hairstyle, someone's choice of profession, or sometimes someone's personality difference or even skin color. Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint or an angel, certainly not. I'm more or less simply pointing out a common human flaw that has been rearing its ugly head in my life quite frequently recently but simultaneously showing me how much I've grown in my own personal conflicts and social constraints.

It's difficult to explain my feelings on this subject without disclosing a rather personal story, but I suppose that is what blogging is for, right? Over the summer, I became acquaintances with someone through a close friend of mine. As I got to know her more, I discovered that I really liked her - I found her to be unique, exciting, and full of adventure. Sometimes those adventures, however, included experiences that were not always familiar to me, much less things that I was personally comfortable with. I would like to say that I didn't judge her by her past, but I'm sure on many levels I assumed certain things because of some of her prior experiences. It also caused me to misjudge (pun intended) her feelings on certain things. As a result, I failed to see that she had feelings for a mutual male friend of ours, and I proceeded to kiss him one night in front of her.

I know - shame on me. Interestingly, due to my naivete about the entire situation, I didn't even realize I had done something "wrong." Why was it ok for her to have an "escapade" with this man but not ok for me to kiss him? I know what you're thinking...because she was your friend and you don't date other friend's exes. Even if I completely agreed with that statement, which I'm not sure I do (wow, I'm getting rather illicit now), he wasn't an ex. A one-night fling does not constitute an ex in my book, and furthermore, both of us were single at the time, something the girl in question was not.

Had I the situation to do over again, I'm not sure if I would handle it in the same way or not, quite frankly. I am not apologetic for having kissed him; I am truly sorry for causing her hurt or pain, though. In the end, the friendship was over, and it became a huge rift in the relationship that I had with my close friend, a fact that I also never really understood given her own deviant behavior at times.

Promiscuity. Yeah, I said it. What's wrong with it? It's ok for men; why not women? Why are we judged differently simply because of our gender? This topic has always been a source of consternation for me. Women have fought so diligently for hundreds of years to be treated as equals, and yet in this area, apparently we are satisfied with status quo. Disgusting!

I may be Southern - sweet and charming, of course, but I also have some fairly liberal ideas about sexuality in general (despite the example referenced above). In the argument that I recently had with a former soulmate, he alluded to this gender bias by referencing my dating history in a very antagonizing way, a comment that was altogether hurtful and unfounded. The only positive outcome of his comment was my response, of which I am particularly proud. :)

Finally, I have recently been thinking about social constructs, a concept I've learned from a friend who is somewhat of an educational expert in the area. As we all know, our thoughts, ideas, and opinions on most everything are infinitely determined and shaped by our parents, families, and communities, and even when we want to feel differently about a issue, it may be difficult to do so. In the past few weeks, I have confronted this dilemma head-on, and I have sufficiently surprised myself with my open-mindedness and genuine authenticity to see and feel contrary to my upbringing. It's almost as though someone has literally removed the translucent veil covering my eyes, and for the first time, I'm seeing the world as was intended. (Maybe too lofty, but my point is very poignant here.) I hope that everyone has that moment at some point in their lives, whether sooner or later.

Also wanted to let you know that I heard from the man who keeps me up at night recently - an actual phone call, the first since I saw him last. And, yes, I was ok during the call and after the call...just in case you were wondering.

Adventure #10: Rock Concert

I did it! I went to a concert...alone! There is a local rock band that I just think is fantastic, and I've seen them live several times now. They have amazing stage presence, intense and passionate lyrics, not to mention catchy tunes. I knew they were coming into town and that no one in my life would be even remotely interested, so I bought a ticket, had a few alcoholic beverages, and truly enjoyed the show - headbanging and all! Delightful! A must do again, for sure!

And because I think you should check them out, here's my favorite song by the band: Bullets and Blue Eyes by Nothing More.

FWB

I've been thinking about this topic a lot recently, and apparently, I'm not the only one since Hollywood has produced two movies focusing on the subject in the past year. The impetus for putting pen to paper, or rather hand to keyboard as the case may be, for this blog is about being hot ice cream on the topic.

I would be remiss if I did not admit to having had non-committed relationships in the past, but for most intents and purposes, my intimate encounters have been solitary experiences or situations where I hoped a relationship would develop. What about the situation where neither is the case? When he/she is already a friend and you take it to another level? Can you really be just FWB? There's a laundry list of reasons why people say no - the friendship could be negatively affected, common friends may not approve, intimacy without a relationship is ethically wrong, etc. Beyond the physical, is there anything positive about a FWB scenario? Can you really walk away at the end and still be friends? I have a lot of questions, but no good answers.

Well, I know myself well enough to know that being FWB would be very difficult, because I have these stupid things that always start to develop...feelings. Argh, I hate feelings! But sometimes I think I'd like to try it, at least once...

Speaking of feelings, the man who keeps me up at night finally sent me a message today, and it was like putting a movie on speed rewind...I was right back there. 

Adventure #9: A Charlie Brown Christmas

I did it. I went to a bar by myself, a wine bar to be precise, and I talked to...people! I have a top secret conversation starter that never fails me, and it was once again exactly what I needed to strike up a conversation with 4 very interesting fellow wine lovers. What happened next is the meat of the story...

We started discussing the upcoming holidays, and one of the patrons mentioned how a local retail store is selling Charlie Brown trees, complete with a single ornament and tree skirt. I proceeded to explain how I've always lived in a small apartment and truly miss not being able to put up a full-size Christmas tree, but I have always talked about having a Charlie Brown tree instead. Awhile later, one of the gentlemen left and came back into the bar with none other than a Charlie Brown tree...just for me! I couldn't believe the thoughtfulness of a complete stranger. All he asked was for my first name, and for purposes of anonymity I am unable to state it publicly, but let's just say he was delighted by it. :)

Crazy Comes in Many Colors

A few weeks ago, I had an enlightening conversation with a friend who is going through a divorce. Enlightening in the sense that we were able to connect...connect in our grief and mourning over the loss of a life, a life that we had grown to love and desire, outside of the waning relationship.

At the end of the conversation, he said it was nice to know that he wasn't crazy. His comment has given me quite a bit of food for thought...who and what determines what is crazy and what isn't? And is there a spectrum of crazy, and if so, what does that look like? Every time I hear 'crazy,' I think about another word that I've been called on more than one occasion - 'different.' What makes me different and why is that so? Even if it's misinterpreted from the originator's point of view, why would anyone desire to be called such? Why not 'original' or 'unique'? 'Different' makes me sound like I have two horns on my head. Better to be 'different' than a carbon copy, though, don't you think?

I am complicated; I am complex. I am crazy; I am different. I am not easy; I am not simple. I am not (always) balanced; I am not the same. I am me.

Hopeless Hope

I have another confession. Yes, I know, there is a LOT for me to confess. LOL

I have not heard from the man who keeps me up at night in a few weeks, so over the weekend, I asked him if he was trying to distance himself from me. And I have yet to receive a response. That is very unlike him, as I typically get more than I want in response to my messages. I am not wholly confused or heartbroken because, well, you see, I have hopeless hope about him and about us. I dream of a day where we can give it a try, give it a go, without all of the extraneous and conflicting pressures beyond our control. And no matter what my friends and family say, regardless of the mountainous evidence to the contrary, I refuse to let go of my hope. He may not be in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to stop loving him...ever, if I so choose. That's up to me and no one else. Ingenious!

Adventure #8: Theater for One?

I am not yet the woman I want to be. How do I know that? Well, this adventure is the perfect example. Again, although not a completely new experience, it is one that I think should make the list. Somewhere inside me, though I try to suppress it, I've made the (subconscious) decision that I must be perfectly happy being alone before I can be perfectly happy with someone else. There.It.Is. The big conundrum.

Last night, I had the opportunity to go to a show, and of course, I was given two tickets. Instead of being the person I want to be and simply going by myself, I chickened (bah! bah!) out and asked a whole slew of people to go with me at the last minute. Of course, I had a fabulous time with a very sweet friend, but in the midst of laughing, I realized that, you know what, it would have been fine...fine to have gone alone. So, I made the decision to leave the show alone, head to a bar alone, and eat a nice dinner alone. And driving home, I had a smile on my face. Not bad...I'm getting there, little by little.

Hot Ice Cream

Hot ice cream. Does a thing even exist? And if it does, where might I find it, because it's truly the holy grail in my book?

My ex used to say that about me - that I like hot ice cream; I want things both ways, every way possible. I have never considered myself an indecisive person, and most who know me would probably agree; however, maybe what's easy about the decision for me is that I want both and will do with no less. In some parts of my life, perhaps, I've been aptly rewarded or maybe just plain lucky, but whatever the reason, I've gotten everything and more than I've needed or wanted. In love, though, I will do with no less than hot ice cream - someone I can love passionately and desperately for the rest of my life, while all the while being able to spend daily moments in perfect silence or pulling out my hair with someone I know loves me regardless and even more so because it's me, all of me. Why even must I consider having to compromise some part of my intensely complicated self? Or maybe, just maybe, as my Caribbean friend believes, it's not that I'm inherently complicated, but rather simply complex in all the ways perfect for just someone.

The same philosophy translates into my non-intimate relationships. I'm riding a fence currently in regard to some friendships that I've had for the past few years. The relationships are no longer the same, and though I no longer desire to make amends, I still want the feelings associated with those women to continue. I need to decide whether I want my ice cream to be cold or have none at all...

And because he still keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, here's my song for the day: Bloodstream by Stateless.