I remember a time when I was a child and I fell off the monkey bars at school, biting through my lower lip. I am sure I cried, for a time, but what I remember most is getting right back up there, not wanting to miss out on any of the fun.
When we were children, we had no qualms about getting right back on the bike after having fallen off. Why are things so different as adults? Why do we become afraid? What exactly is it that we fear? Is it the fear of failure? The fear of not being accepted? The fear of not being good enough?
What of love? When one relationship falters, why do we spend so much time reflecting on it, rather than just getting back up on the monkey bars? After all, there certainly are plenty of monkeys out there!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Superman Sighting
Well, you know this blog isn't going to end well...
Yes, I saw Superman yesterday. And it was wonderful and horrible at the same time. His confusion is killing me, and he even said the same thing to me. I know that I'm allowing and enabling the hurt, but I can't stop...yet. One day, I will be able to move on, but apparently, today is not that day.
And Trouble is something I seem to have plenty of these days. Enjoy this wonderful selection from Ray LaMontagne.
Yes, I saw Superman yesterday. And it was wonderful and horrible at the same time. His confusion is killing me, and he even said the same thing to me. I know that I'm allowing and enabling the hurt, but I can't stop...yet. One day, I will be able to move on, but apparently, today is not that day.
And Trouble is something I seem to have plenty of these days. Enjoy this wonderful selection from Ray LaMontagne.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Update: Flying Away or Standing Still?
This is an update to my posts from July 14th and July 4th.
I finally heard from my Caribbean boyfriend. I can't explain how I felt when I read that message - to know that he was safe. He was apologetic for not having any way to get in contact with me and very sad that I did not come. I explained that there was no way for me to know where to go, without having finalized details. Of course, he understood, and I know that our relationship is as solid as it ever was, no matter how much or how little we talk. That's just how we are.
As I was explaining to the man who looks right on paper, someone who has actually become somewhat of a friend after all, our relationship lies in our secrets. Women base the depth of their relationships often on the secrets that are shared. How much have I told him about me, about who I really am? And what has he chosen to share with me? Because, after all, we all have secrets, and some we share, and some we don't. Beyond that, there's no replacement for being able to be exactly who I am when I am with him, so I forgive him for his lack of communication. It's that easy when you love someone, someone who really sees you.
As for Superman, despite requesting him to stop contacting me, he has promised twice to see me and then fails to follow through. Mr. Looks Right on Paper always says the obvious, the often hard to hear - do not answer, do not respond to his contacts. Sounds so easy, so simple, doesn't it? Then why isn't it?
And the *sshole has shown his true colors, as they always do, and has stopped contacting me, despite enjoying my company, my humor, and my coolness. LOL I'm never enough. I just wish I could figure out why. Perhaps there really is only one man who finds me to be more than enough, but he lives a thousand miles away...so I continue to stand still here at home while flying away somewhere remote in my mind.
My last update - my very dear friend finally made the journey north to his new home. His leaving, however, was overshadowed by a night of revelations. Sometimes relationships, friendships or otherwise, or as fleeting as the wind. And despite all things to the contrary, no matter what I do, no matter the heart in my intentions, some things, many things, are completely beyond my control. And therein lies the tremendous difficulty for me...
I finally heard from my Caribbean boyfriend. I can't explain how I felt when I read that message - to know that he was safe. He was apologetic for not having any way to get in contact with me and very sad that I did not come. I explained that there was no way for me to know where to go, without having finalized details. Of course, he understood, and I know that our relationship is as solid as it ever was, no matter how much or how little we talk. That's just how we are.
As I was explaining to the man who looks right on paper, someone who has actually become somewhat of a friend after all, our relationship lies in our secrets. Women base the depth of their relationships often on the secrets that are shared. How much have I told him about me, about who I really am? And what has he chosen to share with me? Because, after all, we all have secrets, and some we share, and some we don't. Beyond that, there's no replacement for being able to be exactly who I am when I am with him, so I forgive him for his lack of communication. It's that easy when you love someone, someone who really sees you.
As for Superman, despite requesting him to stop contacting me, he has promised twice to see me and then fails to follow through. Mr. Looks Right on Paper always says the obvious, the often hard to hear - do not answer, do not respond to his contacts. Sounds so easy, so simple, doesn't it? Then why isn't it?
And the *sshole has shown his true colors, as they always do, and has stopped contacting me, despite enjoying my company, my humor, and my coolness. LOL I'm never enough. I just wish I could figure out why. Perhaps there really is only one man who finds me to be more than enough, but he lives a thousand miles away...so I continue to stand still here at home while flying away somewhere remote in my mind.
My last update - my very dear friend finally made the journey north to his new home. His leaving, however, was overshadowed by a night of revelations. Sometimes relationships, friendships or otherwise, or as fleeting as the wind. And despite all things to the contrary, no matter what I do, no matter the heart in my intentions, some things, many things, are completely beyond my control. And therein lies the tremendous difficulty for me...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Faith, Hope, and Love
If you read through any of my blog, there is a resounding theme that permeates throughout most of my posts - hope beyond all measure or rationale. However, I would be the first to say that I am not the most religious person on the face of the earth. Simply stated, my faith lies somewhere in between. Ironically, I need structure for all things in my life, but for whatever reason, despite years of haphazardly searching, I have come to some sense of peace about my spiritual lack of direction. But there are times where I must admit I am blatantly defensive about my "faithlessness" when put to the test. My faith is my own, and despite not looking like anyone else's, I think it is beautiful. I suppose that's precisely the reason why people say not to talk about religion in public!
We all know that of the three, though, love is the greatest. Without love, there is no space for faith or hope, and at the end of the day, I think we could all learn to love just a little more. What would happen if we simply opened all of our hearts and poured them out for the world to see? My heart is crying so loud, but sadly, no one can hear it but me. Perhaps that's for the best...but in what world is it acceptable to have a timeless love with someone you can't find? I am plagued by nightmares of never hearing from him again, never knowing what happened. A year of loving someone in such a pure and organic way cannot end like this; it just can't.
I Need to Know by Kris Allen
We all know that of the three, though, love is the greatest. Without love, there is no space for faith or hope, and at the end of the day, I think we could all learn to love just a little more. What would happen if we simply opened all of our hearts and poured them out for the world to see? My heart is crying so loud, but sadly, no one can hear it but me. Perhaps that's for the best...but in what world is it acceptable to have a timeless love with someone you can't find? I am plagued by nightmares of never hearing from him again, never knowing what happened. A year of loving someone in such a pure and organic way cannot end like this; it just can't.
I Need to Know by Kris Allen
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Terms of Endearment
What are your favorite terms of endearment? Baby? Sweetheart? Sexy? Or are you one of those people who hate them all?
Not surprisingly, I love to be called just about anything with an ounce of sugar in it. However, terms of an intimate nature should only be used with people of an intimate nature. For example, I do not want the lady at the check-out at the grocery store calling me honey. Likewise, I don't want a man who has yet to meet me call me sweetie while trying to set up a first date. Even worse...over and over and over!
Leave the pet names at home, please. No one wants to clean up their mess other than you!
Not surprisingly, I love to be called just about anything with an ounce of sugar in it. However, terms of an intimate nature should only be used with people of an intimate nature. For example, I do not want the lady at the check-out at the grocery store calling me honey. Likewise, I don't want a man who has yet to meet me call me sweetie while trying to set up a first date. Even worse...over and over and over!
Leave the pet names at home, please. No one wants to clean up their mess other than you!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Update: The Grand Gesture Stateside
This week has been one for the record books, but unfortunately, not in a good way. As you are aware, I had planned a return trip down South to visit my Caribbean boyfriend, but once again, I am left wanting here stateside. He never responded to any of my attempted contacts, and therefore, I have no way of connecting with him. I am obviously confused and hurt but also again disillusioned with the opposite sex. Despite others' thoughts on the subject of our relationship, he has consistently been communicative and supportive, and this perceived betrayal is a reminder that it is HIGH time a man do something for me for a change. Where is my grand gesture? The moment where my knight in shining armor comes galloping to me on a white horse instead of me trying to fight the waves to swim out toward it. When?!
This week has thrown some curveballs, but I am doing my best to bounce them back just as hard. I recently spoke of having done the right thing, only to have the pie thrown back in my face. Well, sometimes, even a self-proclaimed *sshole can surprise me, surprise me with an ounce of gratitude and even a sense of humor for my honesty and directness.
And I finally told Superman to fly away and not return. I am taking my own readily-available medicine and not letting a man continue to play games with me. It is disgusting and very clear to me that his confusion and irresponsibility are completely unrelated to me at this point, and I am no longer going to cater to his, quite frankly, idiocy. Grow up!
It would be a grandiose mistake, however, not to admit that there are many, many times where I am genuinely, down to my core, grateful that I am single. I enjoy my life very much, but there are the times where I am lonely. And that is when I long for my grand gesture.
Song choice of the day: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies
This week has thrown some curveballs, but I am doing my best to bounce them back just as hard. I recently spoke of having done the right thing, only to have the pie thrown back in my face. Well, sometimes, even a self-proclaimed *sshole can surprise me, surprise me with an ounce of gratitude and even a sense of humor for my honesty and directness.
And I finally told Superman to fly away and not return. I am taking my own readily-available medicine and not letting a man continue to play games with me. It is disgusting and very clear to me that his confusion and irresponsibility are completely unrelated to me at this point, and I am no longer going to cater to his, quite frankly, idiocy. Grow up!
It would be a grandiose mistake, however, not to admit that there are many, many times where I am genuinely, down to my core, grateful that I am single. I enjoy my life very much, but there are the times where I am lonely. And that is when I long for my grand gesture.
Song choice of the day: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Life Changes
I've written previously about evolving friendships, and I've had this topic on my mind again recently. I have some very good relationships with both sexes, close connections with people both like and unlike me. However, sometimes these relationships are forced to change because of internal and/or external forces.
A very dear friend of mine has recently accepted a wonderful job opportunity in another city. Though ecstatic for his next life step, I am heartbroken that I will no longer have his companionship and time. This has made me realize the importance of getting back on the bandwagon and further trying to accomplish what I set out to do with this blog - report on the wonderful new experiences and thrills that I am challenging myself to do.
As for an update on my soon to be Caribbean venture, I have not as of yet had an opportunity to touch base with my Caribbean boyfriend regarding the trip, which is making me super nervous. I am uneasy going into a situation that has absolutely no parameters, regardless of his tendency to apply island life to all endeavors. I hope that we at least have the chance to make connection about where to meet!
A very dear friend of mine has recently accepted a wonderful job opportunity in another city. Though ecstatic for his next life step, I am heartbroken that I will no longer have his companionship and time. This has made me realize the importance of getting back on the bandwagon and further trying to accomplish what I set out to do with this blog - report on the wonderful new experiences and thrills that I am challenging myself to do.
As for an update on my soon to be Caribbean venture, I have not as of yet had an opportunity to touch base with my Caribbean boyfriend regarding the trip, which is making me super nervous. I am uneasy going into a situation that has absolutely no parameters, regardless of his tendency to apply island life to all endeavors. I hope that we at least have the chance to make connection about where to meet!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)