In Control

I have a distinct need to be in control. I think most people do, but there is even a personality assessment out there that classifies me as needing to be "in control." Like, literally, that's the name of one of the four types. As with most assessments of this kind, it fits me to a tee.

Well, the problem is always inherently that I have no control over other people, what they say, what they do, and it hurts. I mean, really hurts. An old friend of mine is adamant that I will bounce back, and of course, he's right, but that doesn't take the pain away now. He also says that my giving doesn't give someone the right to take to the point of using me, but that is precisely what has happened. Specifically, it's just in my nature to give and give, which ultimately leads to me letting my guard down and allowing someone to hurt me. The bottom line, though, is that this person comes back for more and more, and I allow him to take and take.

You may ask yourself why I allow this to happen, when it often leads to a lot of pain. Well, it's easy when the in-between is filled with laughter and fun. It's easy to forget that he lies to me, keeps things from me, and refuses to take ownership of his mistakes.

We all lie. As of late, I have been asking myself repeatedly why people lie. Of course, it's for a myriad of reasons, based on need, want, and desire and plays itself out differently based on any given relationship. But when you cannot for the life of you determine what is to gain in the lie, how do you make any sense of it? When you have been caught red-handed in the middle of an outright lie and still deny it, what in the world are you thinking?

I thought Superman and I were finding a good place for ourselves, somewhere in the immense desert between friends and lovers, but our friendship to him wasn't even worth saving...and it hurts, really hurts. Because he has so many times before, everyone believes he will come back again at some point. I'm not so sure this time. His statements had a sense of finality, and without at least admitting to the lie, I cannot move forward in any capacity with him. And it hurts to have no control over what I mean to him and in his life, regardless of what I thought I meant to him and what he means to me. But then again, if I truly meant something to him, there would have been no need to lie, now would there? So, what else in our relationship has been a lie? Everything?! The thought that there may be more is simply overwhelming...to my head and my heart.

Going Home

Can you ever really go home again? I really don't think so...

You see, you've changed. They've stayed the same, but you've changed. And how do you really rectify that? You don't.

I have recently been following a Christian preacher who went back to the church after leaving it for 3 months. In this article, he makes several references to how things change while you're gone - not so much at 'home,' but rather within yourself. Being away changes your perspective and in essence changes who you are at your core.

That's what I like so much about travelling. I become a different person when I'm away. I am carefree and full of life. I like the person I become. The problem is that I come home and everything else has stayed the same.

After my upcoming vacation to my Caribbean island of bliss, how am I going to feel upon my return? Satisfied or unsatisfied? Will my thirst be quenched, or will I still be desperate for that which I seek to find? So many questions, yet only time can tell the answers...

Moment for Life by Nicki Minaj because "Everybody dies but not everybody lives."

What If?

What if...

What if we have changed?
What if he doesn't look at me like he did before?
What if he doesn't like what he sees?
What if we don't enjoy one another's company?
What if his family, his friends don't like me?
What if it feels different?
What if our dreams have changed?
What if he doesn't reach for me in the night?

But what if..

What if we aren't the same; we are better?
What if he looks at me with longing and desire?
What if he runs his fingers through my hair, caresses my skin, grazes my lips with his own?
What if we can't get enough of one another?
What if his loved ones see me the same way he does?
What if it feels different because it's insatiable desire finally being fulfilled?
What if our dreams now include one another?
What if he doesn't let me go in the night?

What if...

For Better or For Worse

I have not been completely honest with you. I have been dealing with a few health issues as of late, and though I am hopeful that things will turn out fine, I would be remiss to say that I am not scared. 

We take for granted that those who love us will indeed be there for us "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health." But what do you do when you realize that's not the case? The easy answer is you walk away, but I just.cannot.seem.to.do.just.that. I do believe in my heart that Superman loves me (yeah, yeah, yeah), but I know he will never love me...enough. My head has known this for a long time, but my heart just will not for the life of me get on the same page. Disgustingly, it will catch up to my very intelligent brain, just to fall again...and again...and again. Argh!

But something profound happened this morning (I hope). Maybe, just maybe, I finally saw him in a different light. Now, don't get your hopes up too much. This doesn't mean that I am completely ready to remove him from my life (yeah, yeah, yeah), but at least I saw him a bit differently today. Not only does my head not want to be with him, but my heart doesn't either. 

Several months ago, I posted about the list of qualities I wanted/needed in a romantic partner. Well, one of them is certainly not rocket science. I want a man who falls in love with the smiles, with the laughs, but I need a man who stays around for the tears and the fears, too. A man who is indeed strong enough to handle all 50 shades of me.

I've also previously referenced the novel, Love Walked In, and I felt that another quote from that book was apt for this post.

"For all our talk, all our exchanges, we never handed over anything of real importance. We were all laughter and lightness and glow. We liked each other till the cows came home, but I never saw his broken places, nothing soft or stinging or half healed-over. He'd never seen mine, either. And I decided that [true love] wasn't possible without that kind of knowledge."

Anchors Away

I am scared...I am scared that I won't get everything I want in life, but really, who does? Don't we all have to make concessions? Choices? Decisions? Why would my life be any different? Any different from others who have lives of compromise? My fairytale dreams are no better than anyone else's...

But I dream of a place where I am me, where I am only me, and a man with strong arms and an even stronger heart can wrap me inside himself and love me with reckless abandon. But I am scared...

I am scared that we will have changed, that my island of beauty will no longer be. I long for his sense of assuredness, but no matter my uneasiness, he is always steadfast in his love, in his belief of 'us.' He may be the one who lives on an island in the middle of the ocean, but I am the one who feels lost at sea and he is the anchor holding me in place.

Last year, I posted a blog about a relationship in my life that had come to an end. I recall one of the most hurtful comments made in that final argument was that he didn't see how anyone could love me knowing everything about me. More specifically, how could I have such strong feelings about so many men and expect someone to see past that, beyond my past?

Well, my Caribbean boyfriend does; he loves me, despite my inadequacies, my insecurities, my imperfections. His frustration lies solely in my inability to believe him - to believe that he loves me unconditionally. I mean, how could someone, knowing I'm broken? Well, that's the beautiful thing about love, isn't it? It doesn't see or feel any of that. So, to that former friend of mine, I am counting down the days until I return, both physically and emotionally, to the place where I am me, where I am only me...and he only sees the goodness in my heart.

Until then, I will be left to my dreams of paradise...