The Other Woman

It's confession time...again. I'm the "other" woman. Not only in one situation, but in several, I'm afraid.

Now, before you start pondering that too heavily, I am NOT engaging physically with anyone who is in an intimate relationship with someone else. I, on the other hand, am the mental accomplice in this crime of love.

For various reasons, I am not dating, and certainly not marriage, material. For one reason after another, I hear every variation on why a relationship with me would be impossible, impractical, even unmanageable. Where other women are apparently quite "dateable," I am behind the scenes, illusively filling in gaps that exist in this tangled web that we weave. For as they've all said to me in one way or another and on more than one occasion..."There's just no one like you, Sunshine. You and your passion." When did that much passion become so scary?

The real question is why I continue these unhealthy, at best, relationships. Is it because I think I can do no better? Is it because I hope one day he'll change his mind? Or could it possibly be because these "relationships" are mutually beneficial somehow? But I would be remiss if I didn't say I think about the women in their lives...

And in honor of today's blog, I wanted to share a quote with you from a terrific movie, Bend it like Beckham. "I am mad about you, just don't want to marry you."

Update: Child-less

I've still been contemplating about a recent post I made. A conversation with a friend reminded me of a recurring situation that happens much more often than I'd like. At my age, it's ever more increasingly difficult to find single, sociable women, and though I want to say I love spending time with my friends who have children, sometimes I am not quite so sure. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE my friends; it's just that conversations rarely encompass anything other than diaper-changing, bed times, and my personal favorite, breastfeeding. I can contribute a LOT to those discussions, let me tell you!

The problem is that most people, especially women, are surprised to discover that I am fairly confident I don't want children. More importantly, it's so easy for them to forget that not everyone has the same "life" plan. Something having to do with societal norms - get married at age X, have child #1 at age Y, have child #1.5 at age Z, and so on. So, how do you handle someone in your group that has a different idea for her life plan? Do you impose your own standards onto her, or do you try to learn her own? In environments where I am very much an anomaly, there tend to be few who want to hear my perspective. Then again, that's just me being different again...

Children love me. It's true. And I love them. Truly, I do. I just like to give them back to their parents at the end of the day.

p.s. I would like to give a shout-out to all of the remarkable people in the world who have chosen one of the most loving and selfless acts I can think of - the act of adopting a child. ALL children deserve to be loved.

Adventure #12: Horseback Riding

Another check off my bucket list this weekend! I had been horseback riding once before, but many, many moons ago. This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to ride again, and it was an amazing experience. Horses are intelligent, beautiful creatures, and the feeling one gets when riding one is truly incomparable - it's almost majestic and royal (in my opinion anyway).

Our ride was just under an hour and toured a few miles of countryside. Despite the dead of winter, it was still breathtaking. And although I'm definitely a bit saddle-sore; ok, maybe more than a little, the ride was well worth it...as well as some bruises that I can't quite figure out.

The Greatest Blessing

Let's talk a minute about what many consider the greatest blessing on earth: children. Children are indeed a blessing...when you WANT them, when you can SUPPORT them, and when you can RAISE them well. Otherwise, they aren't exactly the world's greatest blessing now are they?

I know that sometimes children come into the world at, to say the least, inopportune times. And this blog is not to say that children are decidely or even necessarily a burden. However, in my professional line of work, I interact with many individuals who should never have even thought about having children, much less actually done it. No matter, as I have no control over other people's decisions (or lack thereof, as the case may be). It just baffles me, and sometimes outrages me, at the lack of decision-making that goes into something that should be, at minimum, intentional and conceptually planned.

I have many children in my life that I love dearly, but I want and wish better for them. They did not CHOOSE to be here, but because of others' poor decisions, are having to live lives that are not only unfulfilled, but also difficult and restrictive. I wish for them to be able to experience life as they deserve, not fundamentally one of wealth and privilege, but simply one of love and relative ease. A life behind rose-colored glasses that all children deserve, with parents who will teach them how lucky and blessed they are.

I spent a good deal of my time this past weekend with a group of extremely bright, motivated, and even physically attractive 30+ year olds. What else did they all have in common? They were all single and childless...and happy about it. Life can still be fulfilling without the joy of children.

So, what's my beef? What's my pancake? Well, this topic is what I call the law of stupid. The stupider you are, the more likely you are to have children. The dumbing down of the human race. Scary, isn't it? Talk about something that makes me want to scream! Why aren't the intelligent, educated, successful homosapiens having children?! Because they recognize the importance of only doing something when it can be done well and when the time is right. A concept that I wish we could instill in other members of our species.

Boredom

When I was a child, I often complained of being bored, and my grandfather would always say to me: "Twiddle your thumbs." I can still hear him saying it while simultaneously grinning at me. In hindsight, it's easy to see what a petulant child I could be!

In adulthood, not much has changed. I am still bored...bored at work, bored at home, and bored with life. That's not to say that work, home, and life aren't sprinkled with moments of activity and bliss; they most assuredly are, leading to necessary clarity and purpose. But sometimes I'm, simply, bored.

I suppose that's life, though, isn't it? Focus on the sprinkles.

Surrealism

I have a friend whom I love dearly, a friend I met while doing what I love most...travelling. Despite being my antithesis in so very many ways, I admire her strength, her resolve, and her passion. One of our greatest differences lies in her realistic approach to all things life. I could not be more opposite. I approach all of life's situations with my heart on my sleeve, wanting and hoping for more than could ever be available to me.

So when I suggest wanting to visit my Caribbean friend again, I am compassionately reminded that this relationship can never be more than what it is, that we are only hurting ourselves by continuing down this road. How are we able to move on if we are standing still?

I don't care. (Of course, I said that in my super sweet Southern accent!) Still, I don't care. I don't want him to hurt; I don't want to cause him pain. Truly, I don't. But don't we both deserve some happiness, even if at the end of our days, it seems more like a dream than a reality?

So, what am I to do? I suppose for now I'll wait and see...for today he put in motion the paperwork to visit me instead.

Shiny New Toy

Remember the feeling you had as a child when you received a shiny new toy? The delight of having something new to play with, the thrill of sharing it with friends and family, and the sheer joy and contentment of knowing its all yours.

It's not unlike that for me when someone I feel is worth knowing comes into my life for the first time. I enjoy the feeling of child-like excitement anticipating his next phone call (or text message as the case more often tends to be) or infinitely better, an opportunity to spend a bit of time with him.

But like a new toy, it eventually becomes old and unwanted. You see, it's not that he becomes old and unwanted, it's that I do. Why must there always be shinier and prettier? When will I be the shiniest and the prettiest toy in the chest...for always?

The realization that someone in your life truly enjoys your company but doesn't think you're the shiny one for him is heart-wrenching. So, do you stay, or do you go? Maybe it's time that I find a shiny new toy...

Sometimes Lightning Strikes

The movie Meet Joe Black is truly one of my favorites and has some of the most memorable quotes of any movie I've ever seen. The story line revolves around the life of a 65-year-old man who has met the end of his days here on earth, and death has come for a visit prior to taking him away.

I have a friend who shares my love of the movie. One of the best quotes is in regard to never knowing when love may show its face, and his mantra recently has been that "you never know when lightning may strike." But isn't that just a movie? Can you truly have a real-life movie moment that is more than just that, a brief moment in the time continuum of life?

The night I met my Caribbean friend was certainly one of those chance encounters that has evolved into a very special relationship. From the moment he touched me, I knew I never wanted him to let me go, and sometimes I can still feel myself in his arms. And though we aren't physically together, our souls are interconnected for eternity...sometimes lightning does strike.

But what of less "striking" encounters - situations where you aren't exactly mesmerized with someone from the start? Can you still develop a love to span the ages? A love that makes you "sing with rapture and dance like a dervish"?

While in college, I dated a man for a few months who when I first met I rather disliked...strongly, I might add. I thought he was pompous, grandiose, and melodramatic. As I spent time with him through my program of study, though, I came to realize that our differences made him alluring in a way I had not allowed myself the opportunity to appreciate, to love. In that case, the lightning came later, much later, but when it did, it was intense and definitely knocked me off my feet. If you were to ask me the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had, and yes, I've had many, it would be that one.

So is it possible that the man I'm meant to share my destiny with is someone I already know? Can lightning only strike at the beginning, or can it come later, after the storm has been raging for quite some time?

Update: Perfect Ice Cream in the Tapestry of Life

Awhile back I wrote a blog about changing seasons, and in that post, I mentioned how sometimes relationships change as life moves on its continuous journey. But what of family? Or friends that have become your family? Are unforgivable words or actions made acceptable simply because the delivery comes from someone you've always loved? Why are we apt to forgive some people in our lives so easily while others we are much more quickly able to let go? Is it possible to change "the course of a life, of a relationship, of a feeling" if we want it badly enough?

Though the hurt remains starkly indicative of the realization that lives have changed beyond our grasp, I guess sometimes the relationship, the beings it entangles, makes the transgression worth forgiving, even if forgetting is out of the question. The events are all connected, creating the tapestry that we call life.

I've often heard religious and spiritual followers refer to the complexities of good and evil in the world as a tapestry, a beautiful piece of fabric flowing and flawless on one side, yet a tangled mess of yarn and knots on the other. It is ugly and seemingly unfinished from below, but from above, well, it's a masterpiece. This analogy has stuck with me over the years, and I guess it's what I'd like to believe the Great Master (or whomever you so choose) had in mind when creating this world we call planet earth.

But how do you reconcile all the ugliness among the beauty? With the knowledge that things will never be the same or as you'd like them to be, how do you make sense of it all? It's easy to say that we're not created to know the answers, but how do I live the life I was meant to live if I don't know the answers? I refuse to believe in my heart that it's so haphazard. And at the core of my soul, that sentiment makes me me.

And in my world where I always feel as though every one thinks I've changed so much from the girl I once was, there is one who thinks I haven't changed at all, that I'm every bit as perfect as I've ever been...and what a small miracle that is to hear! Someone who knows and loves me for my hot ice cream, someone who can wound my soul only because I suppose I've always loved him in a way.

And in case you're wondering, although I have no idea WHO I'm going to marry, I do want to one day get married. And yes, I know what I want our first song to be...enjoy!

Beautiful by Me'shell Ndegeocello

Adventure #11: Rollercoaster Rides

I recently went to an amusement park with some long-time friends, something we have done together many times before. A stark difference between this visit and others though was our conscious choice to ride many of the rollercoasters as "single riders," a new concept to help lines at the park move more quickly. How many adventures would I consciously choose to face alone, singly? But what a novel concept?! Had I not chosen to ride many of the coasters individually, I would have increased my wait times considerably and perhaps have missed out on the experience altogether. And wouldn't that have been unfortunate!

By the way, I love the thrill of a good rollercoaster - the anticipation of the twists and turns as you pull up the track, the frantic and sometimes violent jerks and shoves, and the disappointment when the ride is over but at the same time, a feeling of renewed exuberance and vitality for having had the experience. A pretty good simile for life, isn't it?

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

There's something about planes, something about flying, something about the act of leaving and arriving that just profoundly unsettles me, not like a fish out of water, but more like a fish realizing he's been in water the whole time. I seem to get lost in myself, lost in my thoughts, and even lost in my soul. Maybe it's just too much time to wait and think, but I personally think it's more than that...for it's in the most difficult situations that you learn the most about yourself.

Several years ago I was dating a man back home and had met him and a few friends for a weekend getaway. I'll never forget how devastated I was to leave him and how truly alone I felt as I watched people hurriedly racing around me to catch flights and others not-so-patiently waiting for their delayed flights to nowhere and everywhere at the same time. My crying was so unrestrained (and believe me, I can cry with the best of them!) that a concerned man nearby asked if I was coming or going, and I told him the truth: I had absolutely no idea. I often think back to that moment and how severely true that sentiment is for me. I never feel settled, always as though I'm coming or going and usually both at the same time. I guess that's why I like traveling so much...it's the one place that I don't have to make an excuse for feeling pulled in different directions...because I literally am.

Every time I go to my hometown, I'm not sure if that's my home or if my new home is. I am always beyond excited to go there, but as soon as I arrive, I feel like I'm in a box being squeezed in from all directions. It can be suffocating...yet it's my home. It's my family. And if I had to leave it all or take the bad with the good, I would definitely make the latter choice.

Sometimes it's our history that has a way of reminding us that it's up to us to decide where we travel from here...in a plane, a train, or automobile. Or maybe even another mode of transport of our own desire's choosing.

The song of the day: Leaving on a Jet Plane by Chantal Kreviazuk, a song that I absolutely loved back when some of my family came into my life for the first time.