Anna Karenina

I just saw Keira Knightley's portrayal of Anna Karenina, and though the reviews were terrible, I found the movie quite moving. Tolstoy was prolific with his memorable quotes:

"If you look for perfection, you'll never be content."

"Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?"

"Love. The reason I dislike the word is that it means too much for me, far more than you can understand."

"I've always loved you, and when you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be."

"There can be no peace for us, only misery, and the greatest happiness."

Oh, Leo, I do believe you've found my soul...

Confessions: Summer is Over

For the first time since I began my blog, I went an entire month without a single post. I am sorry for that, and even more sorry that it's already over halfway through the next. Sigh.

I began this blogging business as a way to cope, for loss of a better descriptor, with the absence of another. For I was single in a world that is forever coupled, tripled, quadrupled. But now, well, I am still a single, but I am also a couple. And it is sheer happiness.

Since I embarked upon this journey with Lizard, he has matured greatly in his relationship savviness. He has improved leaps and bounds with his communication, and when he looks at me so intently, I know it is with nothing but love.

Yet I confess, I still think of my Caribbean boyfriend from time to time. Now, before you go and get your panties in a wad, I warned you that this was a confessions post. Perhaps it continues to only be that I never received closure, or even something that could favor an explanation, but he still haunts my dreams on occasion. Perhaps he always will. I guess that's what they mean by soulmate.

But summer is over, and my favorite season of the year is upon us...

In honor of one of my favorite artists of all time:

Sorta Fairytale and Northern Lad

Adventure #34: Glass Bowl Design

I know that my posts are few and far between these days, but it has anything and everything to do with my special reptilian friend. He is taking up a good deal of my time, and I.could.not.be.happier!

With that being said, I did recently make some time to enjoy a glass bowl design class with some of my favorite co-workers. We each chose a piece of glass, as well as accent pieces, and shaped a bowl out of them. I must admit that though I'm not the most crafty person I know, I was quite pleased with the way mine turned out. And more importantly, a wine-inspired evening with some amazing people is always tons of fun!

Update: "Busy" Work

I had a co-worker this week who told me that my life was less busy than hers because I don't have children, and even worse then proceeded to insinuate that my "busy" is less important. (See, I don't make this stuff up, I promise - or at least not completely!)

At first, and still a little, I felt angry and defensive. However, today, I feel more sorry for her, sorry that she doesn't like herself and her own life enough to not have to 'one-up' mine. So, jealousy, enjoy your time with me, because you're right - I'm something to definitely be jealous of!

Update: More Child(ren)

I've published a few blogs previously in reference to children: here and here.

Well, I am going to spill all the beans from all the cans in this post! Things that annoy the hades out of me:

• Pictures of "baby bumps" - really, what is the obsession with putting pictures of your extending belly on the web for the WORLD to see? 
• Seeing women breastfeed in public. Yes, I am a woman and I do truly admire mothers, but I will never understand why that is ok. Sorry, some things were not meant to be shown in public, but for the record, if you can show your boobs in public for breastfeeding, why can't I show mine for other reasons? Isn't that discrimination? I also think that if it's ok to breastfeed in public, then it's ok for me to make out with someone, of any gender, in public as well. Just sayin...
• Finally, whether blatant or not, women with children versus without are treated differently in the workplace. Dependent upon the type of environment in which you work, this can manifest itself in many different ways. In my career of choice, which I absolutely love by the way, as well as my current employer, I am in the minority. Sometimes perception is all that I have, and the truth lies somewhere elsewhere; however, it appears that the employees with children are allowed special concessions. Please see my previous post for more on this particular tirade.

If you have children, wonderful! If not, respect me/us the same.

Single in the Workplace

I recently read a terrific article about the "new" discrimination taking place in the workplace, one that I can empathize with fully and fundamentally.

Whether implied or explicit, the perception is that my obligations outside of work are not of the same caliber as those of my co-workers because they are married, have children, ___ (fill in the blank) and are therefore, justifiably, more important than my own. Just a few weeks ago, I was complaining to my colleague and good friend about not being able to call in late because I want to have sex with my boyfriend, but my co-workers call in incessantly with "my son is ill," "my daughter has a school performance," and "my husband has to work." Her retort was exquisite: "No one has to know why you're calling in, do they?"

Maybe my social life isn't important to you, but it's important to me. And who are you to judge...really?

The next time I call in late for no apparent reason...believe me, I'm going to have a huge smile on my face because I am positive my reason is much more enjoyable than yours!

100%

Why be anything less? Being 100% is all I know how to be. And it's something I immensely appreciate in others. Some say that being 100% inevitably leads to much hurt and pain, but isn't it the most incredible feeling in the world - to have no qualms about caring too much, too deeply - no matter the outcome?

To all the 100%ers out there, thank you for being you!

Adventure #33: Kayaking, Etc.

Don't even say it. I know what you're thinking. I am telepathic after all. LOL

Ok, seriously, I know that it has been months since I've adventured, but I couldn't forego telling you about my awesome trip to the Pacific Northwest, Seattle and environs to be exact.

Cycling through some of the most scenic neighborhoods, hiking in the beautiful Cascade mountains to Bridal Veil Falls (a truly magnificent site), and kayaking in Lake Washington - all in the short span of only two days! And, more importantly, with one of my favorite people on earth, my bff Corona Light.

A seriously active weekend, I loved the opportunity to enjoy being outside, certainly something that this metropolis of concrete and intense heat does not promote much of. And isn't it always nice to be able to reconnect with that which created us in the first place? Sigh.

Look vs. See

If someone with English not as their first language were to ask you the difference between the term 'look' and the term 'see', you would say there is none, or at least very little. But the truth is that there is a vast ocean between one and the other...

Over a year ago, I blogged about the end of my relationship with Superman. In that post, I mentioned a man who came in and swept me off my feet in a way Superman couldn't. He was the one to show me that I deserve better, am responsible for ensuring that better happens. There was an intense connection with this man, and I felt that he, like my Caribbean boyfriend, was one of the few who could really "see" me.

Last night, I had the opportunity to spend just a few minutes with him, and we picked up exactly where we left off a year ago. This time, though, there is a very special person in my life, and he was nothing but understanding and respectful of the situation. Unlike Superman, he thought Lizard was good for me.

And, indeed, Lizard is an amazing man, and our relationship is blooming and blossoming. And I know what we have is special, unique, and only ours, yet every once in awhile it's nice to meet someone, find someone, cross paths with someone who, well, just fits. And for these people, I am eternally grateful for the influence they've had on my life. Here's to always striving for happiness...

Song of the Day: For Good from Wicked

The X Factor

As to not mislead you with the title of this post, I'll get straight to the point. I have been BUSY being a GF, hence the lack in blog-posting. I.Am.Sorry.

When we last talked, I was very impatiently waiting, waiting, waiting on a word from him. And, in typical fashion, I could wait no longer. I broke down and called him. He said he would come over so we could talk, and then I knew. I knew he was coming over to break up with me. I cried. No, I CRIED. I did not want it to be over. I was not ready for it to be over. But how often have I gotten what I wanted when it comes to relationships?

But, wait. That wasn't it at all. In actuality, he was coming over to apologize. It had never occurred to him to break things off. He just needed time to think, time to process. And I was and am the happiest girl on the planet.

Over the past few weeks, we have grown so much in our relationship. My "speeches" as he affectionately calls them are fruitful once again, and we are learning each other more and more everyday. He's even made enormous strides in all things 'S'. And in the process we are finding our way...together. Together is a place that I try desperately not to take for granted, especially when we are wrapped up in each others' arms.

The other major topic to divulge is that I ran into my ex the other day. Like, literally, he was out walking his dog while I was on my nightly run. And it was ok...really, it was ok. We spent many, many wonderful years together, and nothing will ever change that. He looked happy, and I am happy. The End.

No News

Is no news really good news? I'm not so sure...

I have been in this place many times before...the waiting place. I think our lives are simply a series of waiting - waiting for the workday to end, waiting for the grade on a final exam you think you've bombed, waiting for the right man to appear in your life, waiting to die. And it's no wonder that I hate waiting...especially waiting on a response.

In regard to Lizard, I have been here many times before. The ensuing conversations have always been fruitful, rather than futile, and I have been grateful for how we've grown...together.

But is this time different? Did too much happen that cannot be undone, taken back? Is it too much for us to move forward...as us?

It feels as though most of my friends are not optimistic about a long-term future with us, and perhaps they are right, but one says that she does not think this is yet the end of the line for us. And I tell her that I'm not ready for it to be. But when do I ever get what I want in relationships?

The Birds and the Bees

The Secret Life of Bees is a book written by Sue Monk Kidd that was made into a movie a few years ago. Race relations rock this touching novel, and it's full of poignant quotes...

"I have noticed that if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away." Why is it so easy for some to hide from their true feelings, and why do they feel they cannot share what those feelings are?

"The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters." Why is it so difficult to know the right thing to do? And why is it that what matters today may not matter so much tomorrow, but I can't seem to see past right now?

"The body knows things a long time before the mind catches up to them. I was wondering what my body knew that I didn't." This couldn't be more accurate. Months later and every time I see him, or think about him, my body is on fire.

"There's nothing like a song about lost love to remind you how everything precious can slip from the hinges where you've hung it so careful." Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan

"I can't think of anything I'd rather have more than somebody lovin' me." Isn't that what we all want, ultimately? "And when you get down to it...that is the only purpose grand enough for a human life. Not just to love but to persist in love." And "you gotta imagine what's never been."

But I can only be me. "Don't sort-of-maybe live, but live like you're going all out, like you're not afraid." I have to know that I gave everything I had, to everyone who ever meant anything to me, and I have to be content in that knowledge and accept that the rest is not up to me. I need "for someone to see the hurt done to them and set it down like it matters."

"There is nothing perfect...only life." But I do believe in perfect moments...on a beach with my Caribbean boyfriend looking up at the moon on a cloudless night, falling asleep on Lizard's chest after the most incredible passion, or having a child crawl into your lap to tell you that they are sorry you are sad.

"Miss May, I know you get real sad sometimes. My Daddy, he never feels, he never felt anything. I'd rather be like you."

Strength: Letting Go to Let Live

Today is a hard day. I am praying for strength...strength to get through this time - no matter the length - strength to let go, for it's in the letting go that you discover the true nature of the intent and need.

Lizard and I hit a hard wall last night, and it hurts. I think we are both hurt, and you either grow together from the hurt or you grow apart. Our relationship, especially in its current state, is still new and fresh, but it is needing more direction, from him. And I need to be strong, to allow him the space he needs to determine if this is indeed what he wants, what he needs.

But it's easier to be weak, to give in, to contact him. But I can't. I need to be strong, strong for myself, strong for him, strong for us. I have to believe, in my heart and in my soul, that what's meant to be will be, and me pushing it along can not make what is to be, be.

Prayer of St. Francis by Sarah McLachlan

Update: The BF/GF Factor

I realize it's been a long time since my last post, but I wanted to give at least a brief update to The S Factor.

As you can probably surmise from this post's title, I do indeed have a BF. Or maybe a bf would be more applicable at the current junction. Over the ensuing weeks following said 'S'-ness, Lizard and I have had many conversations, including one as recent as this morning, in regard to the status of our feelings for and our relationship with one another. And in the end, he simply wants to "be with me." "Us" may not be traditional or customary, but it is "us" after all. And if I could just sit back (or dance as the case may be) and relax, I would be able to simply enjoy all that entails.

The S Factor

Attended one of the most amazing concerts last night, but it created a perpetual mood of melancholy at the same time. In this reflective atmosphere, I had all of these thoughts shooting in and out of the recesses of my brain, and ironically, most of it centered on the letter 'S,' so I thought I would entitle today's blog as such.

I'm Scared. I chose to make some Statements last night that simply cannot be taken back. I pondered heavily on the possible outcomes of making such proclamations, and I knew I was making the right decision. But the right decision isn't always the one that I want to choose, and as the day wanes on and I have not yet received any response in regard to one of the messages, my heart grows more and more weary.

At the end of the day, I want a last call. I want someone who wants to make me an integral part of his life. I want someone to Share my Secrets with, to cherish them, and hold them close. I want someone to Stay when everyone else leaves. And above all, I want to feel Significant when really we are all just insignificant creatures floating on life's path.

I would be remiss if I did not divulge that my Caribbean boyfriend has intermittently appeared in my life recently. Of course not physically, yet his words, his disposition have come back into play in a most profound way. Someone to truly, deeply understand me, that which we are all looking for. And I need to know if Lizard can do that with me...it's the not knowing that is consuming me.

Thoughts on Lizard

And the third reason I have been MIA is a small amphibious creature I like to call Lizard. Plain and simple. I will not use the bf/gf labels for fear he may scurry away, but nevertheless, he has become an integral part of my daily life.

To be fair, this 'situation' has not come about without its hiccups, but what is truly worth having that didn't? Through all of it, I have grown tremendously in my awareness of his relationship inexperience; a not knowing, rather than a simply not doing. For every time I have pushed, he has pushed back. "I really like you...a lot." He's definitive in his feelings; no hesitation whatsoever in his voice. And he is passionate about it. And when I tell him that I know nothing's perfect, he promptly tells me that I am. And strangely enough, I think to him I just may be.

But is it too much to ask? Is it more than I deserve?

Easy A

The second reason I have been MIA is my recent foray into some semi-serious social dancing. Social dancing obviously involves meeting a plethora of men, and I couldn't be more excited about this state of affairs. I only wish that I made friends as easily with females. It all comes back to a sense of being able to be myself, and that's just not something I feel I am able to do with women.

Easy A is the story of one woman's venture into social alienation because of her perceived lifestyle choices. A man's promiscuity is never called into question, but a woman's sexual prowess should remain in works of literature. Where did such a notion ever begin? And why do women look with such disdain upon those living lives that look different from their own? Or is it just my perception? Yet, strangely, I never feel that way with men. Hmm, could it be jealousy? Regardless, I love my life and all that it looks like.

Adventure #32: Trek Across the Pond

I know that I've been MIA, and there are 3 significant reasons for that. The first one, and the subject of this post, is that I spent a large part of the month in the Mother Land. A friend from high school now lives there with his significant other, so I decided to bombard them in their new place.

And when abroad, live abroad...so that's exactly what I did. The experience was absolutely amazing and even included a bit of social dancing! However, as you already know, travelling makes me extremely contemplative. Something to do with the difficulties of being innately introverted, yet desiring connection and perhaps even intimacy. Travelling alone certainly has an air of independence and adventure, a divine flexibility and freedom, yet there are inevitably times when it is also lonely and secluded, a time when companionship is yearned for.

Travelling is one avenue that continues to present new ideas, thoughts, and perspectives, ever increasing my capacity for understanding my place in this big, beautiful world. So even in the challenging moments, I try to find the lesson, the take-away, the food for growth.

Of Mice and Men

Some titles of my blog posts are boring; some are simply explanatory; others, like this one, are insanely clever (if I do say so myself!).

We'll start with the mice (since it's first in the phrase, of course). Apparently, I had a new friend living with me, an uninvited one, of course, seeing as I am not fond of roommates in any shape or form. How do I know this lovely state of affairs? A Valentine's Day cookie, no less. For several nights, more and more of my rather large cookie was devoured by said creature, and I was completely disgusted. At least I didn't do the jiggy dance that Lizard did when I pointed it out to him. Thank goodness the exterminator finally came to put out some poison to rid my beautiful little apartment of these repulsive rodents. Not in time to save the cookie, though, I'm afraid.

And I do so believe you are LONG overdue for an update on the other animals in my life. Following the fourth date with the teacher, I have not heard hide nor hare (ok, ok, work with me here - this is FUN!) from him. And, truthfully, though I do indeed miss the intellectual conversation and insight, I can't say I'm altogether saddened by it.

As for Lizard...there have been so many incredible moments together, and I always find myself wanting more with him - more of his time, more of his touch, more of his smile. The time between visits has become increasingly shorter, rather than longer. The moments of tenderness have become more frequent, rather than less. The passion has erupted, rather than waned. The laughs have multiplied, rather than subsided.

He is patient with my insecurities and more forthcoming with his fears. Instead of balking at my acknowledgment of wanting a boyfriend, he only compliments me on my honesty and admires that I am so sure of what I want. And when I say that I know he likes me but I'm not sure he likes me enough, he says he does...like me enough, that is. Though it goes against every cell in my body (see my reflection), I am relishing in the most important lesson my Caribbean boyfriend taught me - to appreciate every moment of every day - for our dancing, well our dancing is exceptionally beautiful and intimate in a way I am only now learning how to experience.

Adventure #31: Three-Ring Circus

Over the weekend, I embarked upon a new adventure. I put on my imaginary leotard and took to the trapeze. Yes, the trapeze, as in the apparatus that crazy people in the circus fly through the air on. And.it.was.awesome...and very difficult. LOL

I have been sore for the past three days, so sore in fact that I couldn't type this blog. Ok, that's a lie, but it sounded good, didn't it?

I love trying new things. Life is short - get out there and join a circus!

Valentine's Day is CrazyTown

My least favorite holiday of the year was last week: Valentine's Day. Yes, it's supposed to be a day of love and passion, something of which I seem to be a connoisseur, yet I am disgusted by having to dedicate one single day to giving something we should give freely and with reckless abandon (in my personal opinion, of course).

So, as it may be, singles tend to loathe the holiday, and really can you blame them? Interestingly, though, this V-Day brought with it quite a few unexpected surprises. About a week ago I went on a first date, an actual date, with a new beau, a teacher. As I had not heard a peep from him since the date, I was pleasantly surprised when flowers were delivered to my office. Beautiful hydrangeas at that! (Thankfully, not your substandard boring roses!)

Now that we are at the 3-date mark, I am still unsure of my intentions with him. I find him intellectually-stimulating, thought-provoking, and sharing similar interests, yet I'm just not sure that I want to rip his clothes off...and isn't that what it's all about after all? In all seriousness, I do find him attractive; I am just not sure the chemistry is all there, but very unlike me, I am trying very diligently to just let it all figure itself out and enjoy the moment. So with that in mind, I am looking forward to the next date with the teacher.

And without further respite, I do think you are overdue for an update on Lizard. Last week, we had a serious conversation about our relationship, and I was able to gain a bit of insight into his world. Some of the things that I find most intriguing about him are also the things that I am struggling with...the mystery, the lack of attention, the uncertainty. Yet, on Valentine's Day, I received well wishes, candy, and a flower, which is such a positive step for him. So I know all of this worry results from my own insecurities. For I can feel in the things he says and the things he does the truth, and I am calling on every part of me to gather the patience to see this through. For there is certainly not a lack of chemistry, passion, and soul with this man. My skin is on fire every moment I spend with him...and I can't truly say that has been the case since the first weekend with Superman.

So Valentine's Day wound up being a bit CrazyTown, a new phrase I've recently picked up. A date with the teacher and a night of dancing with Lizard. Since everything in my world seems to be some sort of CrazyTown, I only think it's fitting, and my favorite part about it is it's Lizard's new nickname for me. 

In a valiant effort to simply be Still With Me by Tritonal...

Adventure #30: Women's Conference

I spent today with about 40 other women, of all ages, ethnicities, and professions, at a women's conference, and though largely a day full of over-energized motivational workshops, there was a single significant moment of realization. That realization, which felt like deja vu, brought me right back to another conference, and particularly an exercise of introspection and purpose. The exercise focused on our passions. The other conference attendees wrote of things such as family, faith, and career. I, on the other hand, wrote about my single-most passion, of course: dance. 

And in that single significant moment today, I realized that two years later, I am pursuing that passion in a formidable way...I joined a dance team this week. And isn't that one of the greatest adventures there ever was!

"Life is a GREAT ADVENTURE or nothing." -Helen Keller

Perception

Perception is everything. I know you've heard that one before. Well, it is...really.

Recently at work, I've been speaking with other managers in the office about what is perceived to be too many absences and tardies by some employees. One of the managers took it upon herself to delve into the situation and research whether the perception is indeed factual. Interestingly, in her mind, it's not. She does not think the compiled absences and tardies are noteworthy; I, on the other hand, think they're outrageous...but again it's about perception, and that differs immensely from person to person.

What of Lizard? My perception is multi-fold. I have no doubt that he is intimately interested in me, even beyond a physical state, yet his actions often tell another story. He is largely uncommunicative and has even acknowledged his lackadaisical attitude and genuine uninterest in dating...anyone. So, is it any wonder that at times I feel our relationship is purely sexual? Perception.

And that brings me to the dancer. Though mostly out of my life at the moment, for which I am most assuredly grateful, his birthday was yesterday, and being a friend, I sent him the obligatory birthday wishes. Upon further analysis, however, over the course of the day, it became alarmingly apparent that we are in actuality not friends at all. His definition of "friend" is nowhere near synonymous with mine. Perception.

Yesterday seemed to bring quite a few revelations. I received a message...completely out of the blue...as I have not heard from him since Christmas. At the moment, though, there is no perception...it just is and that is enough.

Reflections In the Mirror

This is going to sound altogether fairly conceited, but nevertheless, I spend quite a bit of time in front of the mirror. I always have. In high school, getting ready for football games, it was not unheard of for me to spend 2-3 hours curling my hair, putting on makeup, and choosing the perfect outfit to watch a bunch of sweaty boys throw a ball around and tackle one another!

Many moons later, and relatively little has changed. Preparing for nights out on the town takes a LOT of preparation, you know!

The thoughts that go through my head while I'm going through this crazy routine are also very, well, crazy, and it involves quite a bit of reflection. In some ways, there has been some movement on determining my intentions with Lizard. The problem inevitably is that I am not sure we have the same intentions for one another. There are moments of great tenderness and care, but the interim periods are completely without communication, indicating the very opposite. I feel that I have been clear with my expectations, and yet, he has not delivered...and it makes me sad.

Keeping in mind my resolution for the year of finding a boyfriend, I just can't say we are on the same page and where does that leave me exactly? We are supposed to see each other tonight, and I am at a divine loss as to handle it. A large part of me wants to approach him again, but I also know that acting nonchalant is probably a better course of action. So what do I do?! Do I try for more, for what I truly want, or do I settle for what I have? For those moments we share together are truly incredibly nice.

A blogger I follow recently posted an entry entitled reflecting. In this post, she is pondering the current state of a new relationship: "For me, I've never trusted that someone could be frustrated or unhappy with me and still want to be with me, or still like, or love me." Furthermore, "if things don't work out, if this is all it takes for things to fall apart, then I suppose it really wasn't meant to be. And while that will suck, I will be ok. In the end."

The problem is that my head knows this but my heart is always light years behind....

Today, you are indeed a lucky duckling as you get THREE songs: Majesty and Glory was the "theme song" of my high school choral department. I can still sing every word of this song just as if I were still wearing my curly bangs and glasses. Decided to find a pretty version of it on youtube today and it made me Cry by Faith Hill to think how awesome this world and this life truly are. And despite wishing my Caribbean boyfriend had cried just a little to show me that he really had cared, I am still so grateful for him having "brought out the best of me, a part of me I'd never seen," which brings me to All I Want by Kodaline. "If you loved me, why'd you leave me?"

Life in Review

When I first began this blog, I wrote a piece on closure and then shortly afterward, I talked about the last time I spent with the man who keeps me up at night. I was reading through some old emails I had sent him, and I came across this one. "My Closure." I have changed it slightly for anonymity and privacy, but I wanted to share a bit of it publicly. It's amazing to look back at your life in review...

I guess in many ways I never wanted closure with you, so I will take responsibility for that. A part of me still had hope, hope for what exactly I honestly don't know - at least some sort of friendship, I suppose. Whatever the reason, not finalizing things with you meant that the possibility still existed. Sometimes hope is enough, you know.

But you also never gave me any opportunity for closure. I asked to talk to you, and you said no. I guess I wasn't even worth that, was I? You said that you were tired of me putting you down and saying you were a bad person, so why was any further conversation needed? Plus, the "other woman" doesn't get to talk, does she? Only you get that luxury. Never mind the countless times I stayed and tried so hard to be a positive part of your life or the countless times I waited for you to come, and then in the end, you couldn't even tell me you weren't coming until I asked. But to you it was inconsequential, not to see the woman you supposedly loved.

So, I went to my Caribbean island and rediscovered that I am beautiful, smart, and funny, and being emotional doesn't make me a bad person but actually someone that maybe someday someone will appreciate, respect, love, fight for, and occasionally put first...wow, what a concept?!...And then you walked back in my life...

And I've genuinely liked having you back in my life. Why? Because you were different from before. You treated me differently. You weren't disrespectful, condescending, or patronizing, like you used to be. You even apologized for some things, which was more than you really had ever done before. And then I really thought a new city would be good for you, give you the environment to be that person that I wanted you to be, and not for me, but for yourself. But that all changed yesterday. I was back to being "childish, immature" and "overreacting." I wish I had a nickel for every time you said to me that I needn't be so sensitive, because then I would be rich and would just pay someone to be with me. (Ok, that was supposed to be funny.) But seriously, you will never change. Perhaps that is truly how you see me, and why would anyone stay in a friendship of any kind where you're seen as those things? After all, I'm only a 9, and a very sensitive one at that. Shame on me, right?

All you had to say was "I would really love to see you and I want to spend time with you when you come but I have a prior engagement." Instead I got only more excuses. You never could see my perspective before saying something...but we're both to blame for that, I suppose. I would like to believe I tried to see yours, but it just beat me down in the end. So, I officially apologize for not being strong enough...strong enough to not wish better for me. And damn me for being so excited - yet again - about the possibility to see you, spend time with you - when you really couldn't care less. You're right - I need a man to chase me, not the other way around, which is how it's always been with you and I, hasn't it?

My mom said something to me this morning, and it was so perfect for you and I..."Sometimes people are put into our lives for a reason, we may not know that reason, and then they are gone from our lives.  This all happened because of something that is going to happen sometime later. We don't know when that will be, but it will be." I'm glad she still has hope for me and in me.

I wanted you to be more than a reason, even more than a season, but as I continue to learn, I rarely get what I want. This is my closure. I've said all of the things I was never able to say to you for one reason or another, and I feel good about it. So, here's my anger, written down for you. Why shouldn't it be written? Our entire relationship was via text anyway...It's a year now of everything I wanted to say to you but said to my mother instead. 

Adventure #29: Scrapbooking

In addition to my writing, dancing, and running, I also thoroughly enjoy scrapbooking. I spent this past weekend with a dear friend and her family at her home about 90 minutes outside the city. Something I do fairly often, my weekends with them are filled with reflection, gratitude, and simple peace. They have become somewhat of a home away from home.

I have been scrappin' since college, and to date, I have over 20 albums. As my friend's 9-year-old daughter astutely pointed out, it's become more of an addiction than a hobby, yet I would not trade the memories those albums contain for anything.

The problem, however, is when I return to the city. Almost as if a curtain is being pulled over me as I get closer and closer. Why is it that I feel so much stress in the city that I love? Would things be different if I had someone to return to? Yes, I believe so.

Intentions: Cruel or Otherwise

I was thinking about intentions on my way into work this morning. What are my intentions for the day? What are my intentions with Lizard? What are my life intentions?

What if I don't know the answer to any of those questions? Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so, but I am the first to admit (not to mention have experienced) the hurt that unclear intentions can cause. At what point does clarity create peace of mind? And what of intentions that change over time? Because sometimes, intentional or otherwise, hurt is still the outcome.

Another favorite movie is mine is Cruel Intentions, which I have mentioned in a previous post. This story is the perfect example of how changing intentions can result in betrayal and even deception.

This day has been filled with a lot of disappointment and the loss of something to put some positive focus, drive, and energy into is crushing. At the moment, my unintentional life truly is disappointing...on my Caribbean island, it would matter naught, but in my real-world, it really does...

Lizard, Lizard

For some reason, I just couldn't wait to say it: lizard. So, I decided to make it the title of this post!

I have a new "friend," and his nickname is lizard. Unlike my previous more-than-friend interests, this one actually knows his nickname. LOL

This one I met a few weeks ago but got to know much better at the dance festival I attended over the weekend. He's quirky, funny, and one of the most unique dancers I have ever seen. To fully disclose, I am not sure that my feelings for him are of a long-term nature, which is surprising considering how quickly I often fall for people, but I enjoy his company very much. Perhaps more importantly, he's helped to take away some of my inability to let the last dancer go, and in the scope of my general well-being, a new friend is always a good addition to my repertoire.

Adventure #28: Dance Festival

Ten months ago I posted an adventure blog about social dance lessons, and in particular, how difficult it  is for me to dance with a partner...formally. Well, despite my serious trepidation and my trust issues (thanks to a good friend for that astute observation), I have gotten much more serious about my new hobby in the past two months.

This holiday weekend was spent at a festival of sorts for salsa dance. Four continuous nights of nothing but the best latin dancing in the country and beyond, and I was amazed...literally. My true desire is not to become a competition-level dancer - been there, done that - but rather to simply enjoy the art of social dancing. And that has certainly come to fruition. I have even gotten to the point where I ask men to dance myself - not always, but certainly sometimes. And it's been supremely rewarding. The hours I spend dancing are filled with smiles, laughs, and new revelations about myself. Not to mention, I am meeting new and exciting people every time I dance!

And isn't that the purpose of this blog in the first place?!

Rivers Flow

All rivers flow into the same sea. Or so they say...

This has been a big weekend for me, and it's not over yet. I will give more details in a future adventure post, but I am currently in a perpetual state of trepidation and seeking some solace. Perhaps writing will help...

The current status of my relationship with the dancer is confusing, as is often the case with situations such as this. At times, he is the same as before - attentive, passionate, funny, but other times, he is aloof, unsympathetic, and unapologetic.

His taunt that he just disappear for 3 months so we could move on is not an altogether bad idea, but it is impossible. Because unlike most of my past relationships, I am forced to see him, touch him, breathe him in. And it is intoxicating. A spark doesn't just get up and leave the room when a person, people, decide to move on, move away. A true spark never dies, and that is what I had hoped this was (even if I was yet again mistaken).

If all of these experiences are indeed rivers, flowing into the sea, I hope they don't forget about me...

Update: Predicament

I was talking - out loud, that is - about my current predicament - the one where I really want a boyfriend but do not have one. And then I realized just how shallow and superficial that sounded. So, I followed it up by saying, "No, not having a boyfriend is not a predicament. Not having access to clean water is a predicament." Whoa, what perspective can do for a person!

In the update realm, I ran into the dancer and his precious time last night for the first time in almost a month. We've had very little contact in the past few weeks, and I suppose the encounter resulted in some steps toward closure. Of course, I'm not fully there yet, but you know what? He didn't seem quite as shiny to me as he once did, and that was delightfully refreshing. 

Moving things and people who are not deserving of my awesomeness to make room for those that are!! Looking forward to a very awesome weekend of dancing. Be on the lookout for an adventure update next week!

Update: Marilyn vs. Jackie

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post on being the "other woman." Everyone knows the difference between Marilyn and Jackie, right? I had a friend say to me that he doesn't want a Marilyn; he is looking for a Jackie. And I've been thinking about it all afternoon...

The conflict for me is that I feel I look like Jackie - a brunette with above average looks, but certainly not a sexpot, but have Marilyn's personality - fun-loving, yet tragic at times, sensitive, and insecure. And inevitably, I think that's exactly how men see me.

Of course! Men want a lady, and I am almost anything but that. I may be Southern, but very far from a belle. I am, as I stated in my original post, too passionate...it's simply too much to handle.

And, after all, JFK wanted Jackie at home, and Marilyn in secret. Is the resounding issue that I only see myself as Marilyn and not as Jackie? I think so....yet, why is it that men don't think they can have both?!

SWF Seeking SNWM

Haven't posted a song in quite awhile, so here is today's inspiration for my blog: Personal by Stars.

I am looking for a boyfriend. Sure, laugh, all you want. I know this blog is about me being single and not missing out on life because I don't have a significant other, but I am quantifiably admitting that I want one, a boyfriend that is. Someone to do things with; someone who wants to spend time with me.

So, here's my ad:

Wanted: Single M
Someone just for me
Must enjoy the dance
Available and free

Sought by Single F
Must like fire and rain
Passionate and fun
Appreciate ice and pain.

Is it you and me?

Time

"You need and deserve more time..." The story of my life. This, along with several others, is the text I received from the dancer today. I suppose, finally, I have some closure on the inconsistency, but the disappointment still exists. Of course, even if it's not perfect, even if he's not perfect, I still had hope...hope that this might be the one. The one relationship that outlasts the others. The one person who I get to keep in my life for an extended period of time. Or simply the one that might be a really good memory on the journey.

So, really, what is wrong with me?

The Morning After...

...after the night before. After life continues as was planned. After decisions are made, not really good or bad. After a new day sheds no light on the situation - sometimes a day (on a Caribbean island) changes your life forever, and sometimes it's just a day. The morning after...

Adventure #27: Volunteering

There's no greater feeling than helping those in greater need than I. One of my many "resolutions" for this grand year known as 2013 on the Gregorian calendar is to become bigger than myself through service - service to the community, and in essence, service to myself.

Four hours this morning at a local food bank and 14,000 families in my city will have a meal that otherwise they would not have had...and it was only four hours of my life. Four hours!

Counting my blessings (again), for there are many.

The Night Before...

...before the dawn breaks. Before life continues as was planned by some greater deity than I. Before I know now that which I didn't know before (for better or for worse). Before I make some great decisions or some bad ones. Before I discover why the dancer has kept quiet for so long. The night before...

Adventure #26: Illness

I must first admit that this adventure was not exactly taken alone, thank the stars above.

Despite taking the annual precautionary measure otherwise known as the flu shot, I still managed to somehow contract a very nasty strain of influenza A. And let me tell you, it has seriously knocked me down a few notches (or more). Instead of ringing in the New Year dancing or even surrounded by friends, my mom and I watched television and headed to bed early. Not much else I've been able to do for the past five days, unless you count my head in a trashcan. Yes, sorry for the stark portrayal, but it has been that bad. Not exactly the way I had planned on starting 2013, the year with my favorite number, the year that I am praying will be different from all the rest.

But for once, I am eternally grateful for not being entirely alone. As I have been at home for the holidays, my  mom has taken care of me every step of the way, and she is so incredibly good at it. God bless mothers, but mine is particularly special, that I know all too well.

So, hoping and praying that I am finally coming out of the darkness, I am ready to begin this year...wishing life, love, health, and happiness for all those around me (including myself).