Yet, what happens when you feel that pull, that tug with someone whom you're not supposed to? Society tells us to submerge those feelings below the surface, but sometimes the connection is just too strong to dilute. But then I wonder, again, maybe it's just me? Maybe it's only me feeling the connection and not the other. What then?
Friday, November 21, 2014
Connections
When I am yearning for the right words, I often use "connection" to illustrate the feelings, the attractions, the understandings I have with another. My mom and I have an amazing bond, a connection more often attributed to life-long girlfriends. Every time I pick up the phone with my closest girlfriends, I know that I can truly be myself.
The Secrets That We Keep
It's never the tangible things, the things that we can see; rather it's the feelings inside, the feelings so deep. Feelings of intensity and passion that simmer below the surface, wanting desperately to overflow...yet knowing that they can't, understanding that they would only hurt the fragile exterior we carry so carefully around with us.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Romantical
Yes, I am aware, that the subject for this post is not actually retrievable from a legit Webster dictionary. However, I like it, so ergo...
I want some romantical in my life. Love comes in a variety of forms and formats, and though I will not conjecture as to the future of stated affairs, I am long past the requisite passion my bones desire.
Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware
I want some romantical in my life. Love comes in a variety of forms and formats, and though I will not conjecture as to the future of stated affairs, I am long past the requisite passion my bones desire.
Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware
Friday, November 7, 2014
Another Morning After
"The morning after learning bad news is always the worst...the loss of a loved one, a break-up, failing at school, realizing you wronged someone. For an instant, it's not there, then it's in your face. For those of you going through personal trials, hang in there, you'll get past the morning. It will get better."
This was the status update on one of my friend's facebook page this morning, and it profoundly resonated with me. I can easily recall the feelings I had the morning after my ex and I decided to take a break, the morning after an irreversible fight with a life-long friend, the morning after my dad died. It's almost like getting punched in the stomach. It's knowing that no one else will truly understand what and how you feel in that moment. It's wanting to turn back time to a place before "the morning after." But you can't.
This was the status update on one of my friend's facebook page this morning, and it profoundly resonated with me. I can easily recall the feelings I had the morning after my ex and I decided to take a break, the morning after an irreversible fight with a life-long friend, the morning after my dad died. It's almost like getting punched in the stomach. It's knowing that no one else will truly understand what and how you feel in that moment. It's wanting to turn back time to a place before "the morning after." But you can't.
Adventure #37: Travel Running
While on a business trip to Vegas earlier this year - yes you heard correctly, Vegas - I had the most entertaining run at 7am on a Friday morning. Here were just a few of the highlights:
- There is smoke everywhere in Vegas. Like it or not, it's just something to expect in the casinos, but having to run through a constant cloud of cigarette smoke is not exactly my idea of fun.
- Drunk people can and will be drunk at all hours of the day. They will even challenge you in quite humiliating, yet entertaining, ways, including racing you as part of a bet with their buddies and "flying" down escalators to catch up with you.
- Las Vegas might be the get rich quick capital of the known universe, but that doesn't negate the large population of homeless that live in the city.
- "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, "including the much younger woman in a man's suit jacket (and not much else) asking for directions to her hotel.
- Apparently, babies like to gamble early in the day.
- Dry heat is rough on the lungs.
- Only in Las Vegas would there be a nail studio entitled, "Get Nailed."
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Don't Ask Questions
I've been coming back to this topic a lot recently. Sometimes not knowing something is better than knowing it, right? Sometimes even within ourselves. Sometimes I don't even want to ask myself questions because I'm not sure I'm ready for the answers. What if we really and truly want a different answer from the one we know we'd get?
At the end of my relationship with Superman, I blogged about a man who was able to see things in me I have trouble seeing in myself. Over the subsequent years, that chance encounter resulted in an unbreakable connection, regardless of the distance between the two magnetic points. We have maintained communication and a special existence that is unparalleled to that which I embody with Lizard or even my Caribbean boyfriend.
- which brings me to -
Boricua. A man who sends messages like this: "Your smile is precious enough to take anyone's problem away and your personality lifts anyone's spirit...when you look yourself in the mirror, see that you are more than enough to make someone happy and to make a difference."
If I am brutally honest with myself, I want the stability of a relationship, while being able to explore my inner passions. Fitting those puzzle pieces together for me has become a large purpose in my life, and the experiences I encounter largely shape who and what I am.
By the way, Superman is engaged...and I'm simply grateful that it's not to me.
At the end of my relationship with Superman, I blogged about a man who was able to see things in me I have trouble seeing in myself. Over the subsequent years, that chance encounter resulted in an unbreakable connection, regardless of the distance between the two magnetic points. We have maintained communication and a special existence that is unparalleled to that which I embody with Lizard or even my Caribbean boyfriend.
- which brings me to -
Boricua. A man who sends messages like this: "Your smile is precious enough to take anyone's problem away and your personality lifts anyone's spirit...when you look yourself in the mirror, see that you are more than enough to make someone happy and to make a difference."
If I am brutally honest with myself, I want the stability of a relationship, while being able to explore my inner passions. Fitting those puzzle pieces together for me has become a large purpose in my life, and the experiences I encounter largely shape who and what I am.
By the way, Superman is engaged...and I'm simply grateful that it's not to me.
My So-Called Life
"This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do." When I was a teenager, there was a television show that truly resonated with everything I lived and breathed on a daily basis - struggles with appearance, conflicts with friends, crushes on the opposite sex. My So-Called Life chronicled the life of 15-year-old Angela Chase, played by Claire Danes, and her love interest, Jordan Catalano, played by the hunky and sensual Jared Leto.
In an early episode, Angela states that her feelings for Jordan "keep me going, or something, like I need it, just to get through the day." When her friend Ricky equates it to an obsession, she agrees, "Right. And if you make it real, it's not the same. It's not...it's not yours anymore. I don't know - maybe I'd rather have the fantasy, than even him." Most days, I wish I had the fantasy back, whether I never knew the outcome or not, because then I would never question the realness of the entire experience - were his feelings for me real? Were our conversations real? Were our experiences real? But then I try to remind myself that regardless...regardless of it all, my feelings for him were, are, very real.
"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough." You see, I have never felt more myself than when I was with him or even thinking about myself after having had his path intersect mine, almost "like...seeing a comet. Or just feeling like you're seeing one. Seeing the other person's perfectness...or something."
My love for him is not a manifestation, though, of perfectness, rather it's "not just a fantasy. [It's] got, like, flaws. [It's] real." But is it any less real than before? Before the end?
"Have you ever felt like you could cry because you know that you just heard the most important thing anybody in the world could have spoken at that moment?" There were so many moments we spent together that were perfect, when "sometimes someone says something really small...and it just fits into this empty space in your heart. And you can feel it settling in there, maybe for the rest of your life." Late one night, we were lying on the dock, and he asked me why I liked dancing so much. I told him that he already knew the answer, and he said, 'Passion.' So I simply asked him to say it again. And I looked up, and there were all of these stars looking down on us and smiling.
"There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change." Our connection was intense and deep, and though our paths did not intersect until the third decade of my life, he did know me in a way that others who have known me for years could not see. "It just seems like; you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?" And in my mind, I have always felt that love was not simply adequate to describe our connection.
But then, "It's always tempting to lose yourself with someone, who's maybe lost themselves." And is that the crutch of the entire madness - that he was too lost himself to be able to find me? He even admitted during those tumultuous days together that he felt I understood him better than he understood himself..."People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me"
In knowing that I need to move on, move on from this place, I am lax in the ability to do so, the desire even to do that which I know I must. But I know that "I am not the kind of girl who thinks a guy is the answer to everything...I'm just tired of being alone." And if I have ever said anything truthful, that would be the most honest admission of them all.
In an early episode, Angela states that her feelings for Jordan "keep me going, or something, like I need it, just to get through the day." When her friend Ricky equates it to an obsession, she agrees, "Right. And if you make it real, it's not the same. It's not...it's not yours anymore. I don't know - maybe I'd rather have the fantasy, than even him." Most days, I wish I had the fantasy back, whether I never knew the outcome or not, because then I would never question the realness of the entire experience - were his feelings for me real? Were our conversations real? Were our experiences real? But then I try to remind myself that regardless...regardless of it all, my feelings for him were, are, very real.
"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough." You see, I have never felt more myself than when I was with him or even thinking about myself after having had his path intersect mine, almost "like...seeing a comet. Or just feeling like you're seeing one. Seeing the other person's perfectness...or something."
My love for him is not a manifestation, though, of perfectness, rather it's "not just a fantasy. [It's] got, like, flaws. [It's] real." But is it any less real than before? Before the end?
"Have you ever felt like you could cry because you know that you just heard the most important thing anybody in the world could have spoken at that moment?" There were so many moments we spent together that were perfect, when "sometimes someone says something really small...and it just fits into this empty space in your heart. And you can feel it settling in there, maybe for the rest of your life." Late one night, we were lying on the dock, and he asked me why I liked dancing so much. I told him that he already knew the answer, and he said, 'Passion.' So I simply asked him to say it again. And I looked up, and there were all of these stars looking down on us and smiling.
"There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change." Our connection was intense and deep, and though our paths did not intersect until the third decade of my life, he did know me in a way that others who have known me for years could not see. "It just seems like; you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?" And in my mind, I have always felt that love was not simply adequate to describe our connection.
But then, "It's always tempting to lose yourself with someone, who's maybe lost themselves." And is that the crutch of the entire madness - that he was too lost himself to be able to find me? He even admitted during those tumultuous days together that he felt I understood him better than he understood himself..."People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me"
In knowing that I need to move on, move on from this place, I am lax in the ability to do so, the desire even to do that which I know I must. But I know that "I am not the kind of girl who thinks a guy is the answer to everything...I'm just tired of being alone." And if I have ever said anything truthful, that would be the most honest admission of them all.
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