Life in Review

When I first began this blog, I wrote a piece on closure and then shortly afterward, I talked about the last time I spent with the man who keeps me up at night. I was reading through some old emails I had sent him, and I came across this one. "My Closure." I have changed it slightly for anonymity and privacy, but I wanted to share a bit of it publicly. It's amazing to look back at your life in review...

I guess in many ways I never wanted closure with you, so I will take responsibility for that. A part of me still had hope, hope for what exactly I honestly don't know - at least some sort of friendship, I suppose. Whatever the reason, not finalizing things with you meant that the possibility still existed. Sometimes hope is enough, you know.

But you also never gave me any opportunity for closure. I asked to talk to you, and you said no. I guess I wasn't even worth that, was I? You said that you were tired of me putting you down and saying you were a bad person, so why was any further conversation needed? Plus, the "other woman" doesn't get to talk, does she? Only you get that luxury. Never mind the countless times I stayed and tried so hard to be a positive part of your life or the countless times I waited for you to come, and then in the end, you couldn't even tell me you weren't coming until I asked. But to you it was inconsequential, not to see the woman you supposedly loved.

So, I went to my Caribbean island and rediscovered that I am beautiful, smart, and funny, and being emotional doesn't make me a bad person but actually someone that maybe someday someone will appreciate, respect, love, fight for, and occasionally put first...wow, what a concept?!...And then you walked back in my life...

And I've genuinely liked having you back in my life. Why? Because you were different from before. You treated me differently. You weren't disrespectful, condescending, or patronizing, like you used to be. You even apologized for some things, which was more than you really had ever done before. And then I really thought a new city would be good for you, give you the environment to be that person that I wanted you to be, and not for me, but for yourself. But that all changed yesterday. I was back to being "childish, immature" and "overreacting." I wish I had a nickel for every time you said to me that I needn't be so sensitive, because then I would be rich and would just pay someone to be with me. (Ok, that was supposed to be funny.) But seriously, you will never change. Perhaps that is truly how you see me, and why would anyone stay in a friendship of any kind where you're seen as those things? After all, I'm only a 9, and a very sensitive one at that. Shame on me, right?

All you had to say was "I would really love to see you and I want to spend time with you when you come but I have a prior engagement." Instead I got only more excuses. You never could see my perspective before saying something...but we're both to blame for that, I suppose. I would like to believe I tried to see yours, but it just beat me down in the end. So, I officially apologize for not being strong enough...strong enough to not wish better for me. And damn me for being so excited - yet again - about the possibility to see you, spend time with you - when you really couldn't care less. You're right - I need a man to chase me, not the other way around, which is how it's always been with you and I, hasn't it?

My mom said something to me this morning, and it was so perfect for you and I..."Sometimes people are put into our lives for a reason, we may not know that reason, and then they are gone from our lives.  This all happened because of something that is going to happen sometime later. We don't know when that will be, but it will be." I'm glad she still has hope for me and in me.

I wanted you to be more than a reason, even more than a season, but as I continue to learn, I rarely get what I want. This is my closure. I've said all of the things I was never able to say to you for one reason or another, and I feel good about it. So, here's my anger, written down for you. Why shouldn't it be written? Our entire relationship was via text anyway...It's a year now of everything I wanted to say to you but said to my mother instead. 

Adventure #29: Scrapbooking

In addition to my writing, dancing, and running, I also thoroughly enjoy scrapbooking. I spent this past weekend with a dear friend and her family at her home about 90 minutes outside the city. Something I do fairly often, my weekends with them are filled with reflection, gratitude, and simple peace. They have become somewhat of a home away from home.

I have been scrappin' since college, and to date, I have over 20 albums. As my friend's 9-year-old daughter astutely pointed out, it's become more of an addiction than a hobby, yet I would not trade the memories those albums contain for anything.

The problem, however, is when I return to the city. Almost as if a curtain is being pulled over me as I get closer and closer. Why is it that I feel so much stress in the city that I love? Would things be different if I had someone to return to? Yes, I believe so.

Intentions: Cruel or Otherwise

I was thinking about intentions on my way into work this morning. What are my intentions for the day? What are my intentions with Lizard? What are my life intentions?

What if I don't know the answer to any of those questions? Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so, but I am the first to admit (not to mention have experienced) the hurt that unclear intentions can cause. At what point does clarity create peace of mind? And what of intentions that change over time? Because sometimes, intentional or otherwise, hurt is still the outcome.

Another favorite movie is mine is Cruel Intentions, which I have mentioned in a previous post. This story is the perfect example of how changing intentions can result in betrayal and even deception.

This day has been filled with a lot of disappointment and the loss of something to put some positive focus, drive, and energy into is crushing. At the moment, my unintentional life truly is disappointing...on my Caribbean island, it would matter naught, but in my real-world, it really does...

Lizard, Lizard

For some reason, I just couldn't wait to say it: lizard. So, I decided to make it the title of this post!

I have a new "friend," and his nickname is lizard. Unlike my previous more-than-friend interests, this one actually knows his nickname. LOL

This one I met a few weeks ago but got to know much better at the dance festival I attended over the weekend. He's quirky, funny, and one of the most unique dancers I have ever seen. To fully disclose, I am not sure that my feelings for him are of a long-term nature, which is surprising considering how quickly I often fall for people, but I enjoy his company very much. Perhaps more importantly, he's helped to take away some of my inability to let the last dancer go, and in the scope of my general well-being, a new friend is always a good addition to my repertoire.

Adventure #28: Dance Festival

Ten months ago I posted an adventure blog about social dance lessons, and in particular, how difficult it  is for me to dance with a partner...formally. Well, despite my serious trepidation and my trust issues (thanks to a good friend for that astute observation), I have gotten much more serious about my new hobby in the past two months.

This holiday weekend was spent at a festival of sorts for salsa dance. Four continuous nights of nothing but the best latin dancing in the country and beyond, and I was amazed...literally. My true desire is not to become a competition-level dancer - been there, done that - but rather to simply enjoy the art of social dancing. And that has certainly come to fruition. I have even gotten to the point where I ask men to dance myself - not always, but certainly sometimes. And it's been supremely rewarding. The hours I spend dancing are filled with smiles, laughs, and new revelations about myself. Not to mention, I am meeting new and exciting people every time I dance!

And isn't that the purpose of this blog in the first place?!

Rivers Flow

All rivers flow into the same sea. Or so they say...

This has been a big weekend for me, and it's not over yet. I will give more details in a future adventure post, but I am currently in a perpetual state of trepidation and seeking some solace. Perhaps writing will help...

The current status of my relationship with the dancer is confusing, as is often the case with situations such as this. At times, he is the same as before - attentive, passionate, funny, but other times, he is aloof, unsympathetic, and unapologetic.

His taunt that he just disappear for 3 months so we could move on is not an altogether bad idea, but it is impossible. Because unlike most of my past relationships, I am forced to see him, touch him, breathe him in. And it is intoxicating. A spark doesn't just get up and leave the room when a person, people, decide to move on, move away. A true spark never dies, and that is what I had hoped this was (even if I was yet again mistaken).

If all of these experiences are indeed rivers, flowing into the sea, I hope they don't forget about me...

Update: Predicament

I was talking - out loud, that is - about my current predicament - the one where I really want a boyfriend but do not have one. And then I realized just how shallow and superficial that sounded. So, I followed it up by saying, "No, not having a boyfriend is not a predicament. Not having access to clean water is a predicament." Whoa, what perspective can do for a person!

In the update realm, I ran into the dancer and his precious time last night for the first time in almost a month. We've had very little contact in the past few weeks, and I suppose the encounter resulted in some steps toward closure. Of course, I'm not fully there yet, but you know what? He didn't seem quite as shiny to me as he once did, and that was delightfully refreshing. 

Moving things and people who are not deserving of my awesomeness to make room for those that are!! Looking forward to a very awesome weekend of dancing. Be on the lookout for an adventure update next week!

Update: Marilyn vs. Jackie

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post on being the "other woman." Everyone knows the difference between Marilyn and Jackie, right? I had a friend say to me that he doesn't want a Marilyn; he is looking for a Jackie. And I've been thinking about it all afternoon...

The conflict for me is that I feel I look like Jackie - a brunette with above average looks, but certainly not a sexpot, but have Marilyn's personality - fun-loving, yet tragic at times, sensitive, and insecure. And inevitably, I think that's exactly how men see me.

Of course! Men want a lady, and I am almost anything but that. I may be Southern, but very far from a belle. I am, as I stated in my original post, too passionate...it's simply too much to handle.

And, after all, JFK wanted Jackie at home, and Marilyn in secret. Is the resounding issue that I only see myself as Marilyn and not as Jackie? I think so....yet, why is it that men don't think they can have both?!

SWF Seeking SNWM

Haven't posted a song in quite awhile, so here is today's inspiration for my blog: Personal by Stars.

I am looking for a boyfriend. Sure, laugh, all you want. I know this blog is about me being single and not missing out on life because I don't have a significant other, but I am quantifiably admitting that I want one, a boyfriend that is. Someone to do things with; someone who wants to spend time with me.

So, here's my ad:

Wanted: Single M
Someone just for me
Must enjoy the dance
Available and free

Sought by Single F
Must like fire and rain
Passionate and fun
Appreciate ice and pain.

Is it you and me?

Time

"You need and deserve more time..." The story of my life. This, along with several others, is the text I received from the dancer today. I suppose, finally, I have some closure on the inconsistency, but the disappointment still exists. Of course, even if it's not perfect, even if he's not perfect, I still had hope...hope that this might be the one. The one relationship that outlasts the others. The one person who I get to keep in my life for an extended period of time. Or simply the one that might be a really good memory on the journey.

So, really, what is wrong with me?

The Morning After...

...after the night before. After life continues as was planned. After decisions are made, not really good or bad. After a new day sheds no light on the situation - sometimes a day (on a Caribbean island) changes your life forever, and sometimes it's just a day. The morning after...

Adventure #27: Volunteering

There's no greater feeling than helping those in greater need than I. One of my many "resolutions" for this grand year known as 2013 on the Gregorian calendar is to become bigger than myself through service - service to the community, and in essence, service to myself.

Four hours this morning at a local food bank and 14,000 families in my city will have a meal that otherwise they would not have had...and it was only four hours of my life. Four hours!

Counting my blessings (again), for there are many.

The Night Before...

...before the dawn breaks. Before life continues as was planned by some greater deity than I. Before I know now that which I didn't know before (for better or for worse). Before I make some great decisions or some bad ones. Before I discover why the dancer has kept quiet for so long. The night before...

Adventure #26: Illness

I must first admit that this adventure was not exactly taken alone, thank the stars above.

Despite taking the annual precautionary measure otherwise known as the flu shot, I still managed to somehow contract a very nasty strain of influenza A. And let me tell you, it has seriously knocked me down a few notches (or more). Instead of ringing in the New Year dancing or even surrounded by friends, my mom and I watched television and headed to bed early. Not much else I've been able to do for the past five days, unless you count my head in a trashcan. Yes, sorry for the stark portrayal, but it has been that bad. Not exactly the way I had planned on starting 2013, the year with my favorite number, the year that I am praying will be different from all the rest.

But for once, I am eternally grateful for not being entirely alone. As I have been at home for the holidays, my  mom has taken care of me every step of the way, and she is so incredibly good at it. God bless mothers, but mine is particularly special, that I know all too well.

So, hoping and praying that I am finally coming out of the darkness, I am ready to begin this year...wishing life, love, health, and happiness for all those around me (including myself).