Nightmares

Nightmares. They can eat you alive, or at least asleep. My nightmares plague my dreams, and sometimes they are so potent they harass my waking dreams as well. My nightmares are often incredibly realistic and a direct outward portrayal of the things I worry about most. They result in nights of fitful sleep and hours during the day contemplating the subliminal messages my mind is trying to communicate to me.

When one nightmare has been assuaged, another creeps in to take its place. I am longing for the day when there are no nightmares at all, but something tells me that's not exactly what life is about...

Adventure #21: Insanity

P90X. Turbo Fire. Crossfit. All of these fad work-out programs seem to be the latest craze, and of course, I picked my own poison: Insanity. I must admit that there was no way in 'ell I would have ever done this without the coercion of a good friend of mine. Admittedly, I was skeptical at first and completely unsure about committing to something that was so regimented. But you know what? It's not actually half bad, and though it is certainly intense and insane, I'm enjoying the challenge and the companionship for 45 minutes everyday!

Does Superman Care?

After a month of missing him, Superman invited me to lunch today...and kept his word. Not exactly awkward, not exactly comfortable, I am still left with too many questions. Though I am no longer in the place with him where I was before, I still look at him with Lois Lane eyes and wonder why he holds me so close for so long? Why he continues to call me everyday? Why he tells me he misses me?

But then I also wonder why he says he misses me but doesn't try hard enough to see me? Why he breaks his word over and over? And why he sometimes seems, well, sketchy?

POR QUE?! Is it simply that he refuses to have his heart broken again and this is his way of keeping the walls around his "sentiment" intact? Or is it as my friends believe and he is actually being deceitful and untrustworthy with me, with my heart?

Does Superman really care? And what is my role in his life if he does? Too many questions...

Adventure #20: Sports Game

Going to a sports outing alone is definitely a blog-worthy event, particularly since most athletic events tend to be heavily male-dominated. That was certainly the case at the baseball game I attended last night. Although I must confess I was eventually meeting some friends at the game, it's still fairly safe to say I was alone for most of the evening.

I arrived early to get cheap parking nearby, and cheap parking I got - $0.35 to be exact! How's dem apples? Then I headed to a nearby bar for a drink and took a seat at a table - alone - near the door. I did have a few middle-aged gentlemen join me for a bit, which was nice. Before the first pitch, I headed across the street to the stadium and made my way inside. After grabbing some traditional ballfield food, I made my way to my seat. My friends joined me a bit later, but I entertained myself in the interim by talking to some nearby fans.

All in all, not a bad evening, but certainly not my favorite "adventure." I think I need to get more creative with my ideas!

Update: The Power of Vulnerability

I am enough. Not too much.

Several years ago, I had the extremely wonderful opportunity to meet Brene Brown personally. In her own words, she is a researcher storyteller. The author of Women and Shame, she is delightful, real, and inspirational. This is a talk she gave in 2010 on the power of vulnerability. Wow! Vulnerability is required for true human connection. It is the "birthplace of love." Without it, we are unable to fully experience all of those things that make life truly worth living,.

So to all the haters out there, I am not going to change. I am going to continue being too much, and I'm going to strive to be enough in my own eyes, regardless of anyone else's. And even more, I'm going to make a concerted effort to appreciate my shame, embrace my vulnerability, and wholly love myself.

And in keeping with the theme, here's a song selection for the day: Pink's Glitter in the Air

Great Expectations

I've spoken of great expectations previously. "The problem with great expectations is that they're often inherently unattainable." But how do you have hope without expectations? And I'm not willing or even able to give up hope.

So, in response to my friend's very sincere and concerned question about what happens post-trip to said Caribbean island...I will come home, cry for a few days, and move on with my life. But in no way would I give up the trip to forego the sadness. No way!

Faces of Sunshine

A few nights ago, I was updating a good friend of mine on the trials and tribulations of my once again non-existent dating life, and he remarked how he didn't understand what's wrong with all of these men. Of course, I laughed, because really, who would understand?!

But then he also said that he happened to be abreast of all of my "moods," which for some reason, reminded me of my many faces - my faces which never, ever conceal what I'm feeling inside. Regardless, if he can appreciate the many moods and faces of sunshine, why can't someone else?  Why are men so incredibly attracted to one face or some faces, but not all of my faces?

Complication is one thing, but isn't complexity yet another? My Caribbean boyfriend once commented that I'm not complicated, only complex...and isn't that an endearing trait rather than one from which to run away? If I were simple and not too much, would I not be boring? Do men really want boring? At least a man on a small island with what I would consider a very simple life can find something to appreciate about that.

It's easy to say that I just haven't met the "right one" or even the "right one right now," but it's incredibly difficult not to ponder at least a bit about recurring patterns and behaviors. The always lurking "What is wrong with me?" line of questioning...but then again, I don't want to change just to fit into someone else's idea of what to love. Would you?