As to not mislead you with the title of this post, I'll get straight to the point. I have been BUSY being a GF, hence the lack in blog-posting. I.Am.Sorry.
When we last talked, I was very impatiently waiting, waiting, waiting on a word from him. And, in typical fashion, I could wait no longer. I broke down and called him. He said he would come over so we could talk, and then I knew. I knew he was coming over to break up with me. I cried. No, I CRIED. I did not want it to be over. I was not ready for it to be over. But how often have I gotten what I wanted when it comes to relationships?
But, wait. That wasn't it at all. In actuality, he was coming over to apologize. It had never occurred to him to break things off. He just needed time to think, time to process. And I was and am the happiest girl on the planet.
Over the past few weeks, we have grown so much in our relationship. My "speeches" as he affectionately calls them are fruitful once again, and we are learning each other more and more everyday. He's even made enormous strides in all things 'S'. And in the process we are finding our way...together. Together is a place that I try desperately not to take for granted, especially when we are wrapped up in each others' arms.
The other major topic to divulge is that I ran into my ex the other day. Like, literally, he was out walking his dog while I was on my nightly run. And it was ok...really, it was ok. We spent many, many wonderful years together, and nothing will ever change that. He looked happy, and I am happy. The End.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
No News
Is no news really good news? I'm not so sure...
I have been in this place many times before...the waiting place. I think our lives are simply a series of waiting - waiting for the workday to end, waiting for the grade on a final exam you think you've bombed, waiting for the right man to appear in your life, waiting to die. And it's no wonder that I hate waiting...especially waiting on a response.
In regard to Lizard, I have been here many times before. The ensuing conversations have always been fruitful, rather than futile, and I have been grateful for how we've grown...together.
But is this time different? Did too much happen that cannot be undone, taken back? Is it too much for us to move forward...as us?
It feels as though most of my friends are not optimistic about a long-term future with us, and perhaps they are right, but one says that she does not think this is yet the end of the line for us. And I tell her that I'm not ready for it to be. But when do I ever get what I want in relationships?
I have been in this place many times before...the waiting place. I think our lives are simply a series of waiting - waiting for the workday to end, waiting for the grade on a final exam you think you've bombed, waiting for the right man to appear in your life, waiting to die. And it's no wonder that I hate waiting...especially waiting on a response.
In regard to Lizard, I have been here many times before. The ensuing conversations have always been fruitful, rather than futile, and I have been grateful for how we've grown...together.
But is this time different? Did too much happen that cannot be undone, taken back? Is it too much for us to move forward...as us?
It feels as though most of my friends are not optimistic about a long-term future with us, and perhaps they are right, but one says that she does not think this is yet the end of the line for us. And I tell her that I'm not ready for it to be. But when do I ever get what I want in relationships?
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
The Birds and the Bees
The Secret Life of Bees is a book written by Sue Monk Kidd that was made into a movie a few years ago. Race relations rock this touching novel, and it's full of poignant quotes...
"I have noticed that if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away." Why is it so easy for some to hide from their true feelings, and why do they feel they cannot share what those feelings are?
"The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters." Why is it so difficult to know the right thing to do? And why is it that what matters today may not matter so much tomorrow, but I can't seem to see past right now?
"The body knows things a long time before the mind catches up to them. I was wondering what my body knew that I didn't." This couldn't be more accurate. Months later and every time I see him, or think about him, my body is on fire.
"There's nothing like a song about lost love to remind you how everything precious can slip from the hinges where you've hung it so careful." Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan
"I can't think of anything I'd rather have more than somebody lovin' me." Isn't that what we all want, ultimately? "And when you get down to it...that is the only purpose grand enough for a human life. Not just to love but to persist in love." And "you gotta imagine what's never been."
But I can only be me. "Don't sort-of-maybe live, but live like you're going all out, like you're not afraid." I have to know that I gave everything I had, to everyone who ever meant anything to me, and I have to be content in that knowledge and accept that the rest is not up to me. I need "for someone to see the hurt done to them and set it down like it matters."
"There is nothing perfect...only life." But I do believe in perfect moments...on a beach with my Caribbean boyfriend looking up at the moon on a cloudless night, falling asleep on Lizard's chest after the most incredible passion, or having a child crawl into your lap to tell you that they are sorry you are sad.
"Miss May, I know you get real sad sometimes. My Daddy, he never feels, he never felt anything. I'd rather be like you."
"I have noticed that if you look carefully at people's eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away." Why is it so easy for some to hide from their true feelings, and why do they feel they cannot share what those feelings are?
"The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters." Why is it so difficult to know the right thing to do? And why is it that what matters today may not matter so much tomorrow, but I can't seem to see past right now?
"The body knows things a long time before the mind catches up to them. I was wondering what my body knew that I didn't." This couldn't be more accurate. Months later and every time I see him, or think about him, my body is on fire.
"There's nothing like a song about lost love to remind you how everything precious can slip from the hinges where you've hung it so careful." Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan
"I can't think of anything I'd rather have more than somebody lovin' me." Isn't that what we all want, ultimately? "And when you get down to it...that is the only purpose grand enough for a human life. Not just to love but to persist in love." And "you gotta imagine what's never been."
But I can only be me. "Don't sort-of-maybe live, but live like you're going all out, like you're not afraid." I have to know that I gave everything I had, to everyone who ever meant anything to me, and I have to be content in that knowledge and accept that the rest is not up to me. I need "for someone to see the hurt done to them and set it down like it matters."
"There is nothing perfect...only life." But I do believe in perfect moments...on a beach with my Caribbean boyfriend looking up at the moon on a cloudless night, falling asleep on Lizard's chest after the most incredible passion, or having a child crawl into your lap to tell you that they are sorry you are sad.
"Miss May, I know you get real sad sometimes. My Daddy, he never feels, he never felt anything. I'd rather be like you."
Strength: Letting Go to Let Live
Today is a hard day. I am praying for strength...strength to get through this time - no matter the length - strength to let go, for it's in the letting go that you discover the true nature of the intent and need.
Lizard and I hit a hard wall last night, and it hurts. I think we are both hurt, and you either grow together from the hurt or you grow apart. Our relationship, especially in its current state, is still new and fresh, but it is needing more direction, from him. And I need to be strong, to allow him the space he needs to determine if this is indeed what he wants, what he needs.
But it's easier to be weak, to give in, to contact him. But I can't. I need to be strong, strong for myself, strong for him, strong for us. I have to believe, in my heart and in my soul, that what's meant to be will be, and me pushing it along can not make what is to be, be.
Prayer of St. Francis by Sarah McLachlan
Lizard and I hit a hard wall last night, and it hurts. I think we are both hurt, and you either grow together from the hurt or you grow apart. Our relationship, especially in its current state, is still new and fresh, but it is needing more direction, from him. And I need to be strong, to allow him the space he needs to determine if this is indeed what he wants, what he needs.
But it's easier to be weak, to give in, to contact him. But I can't. I need to be strong, strong for myself, strong for him, strong for us. I have to believe, in my heart and in my soul, that what's meant to be will be, and me pushing it along can not make what is to be, be.
Prayer of St. Francis by Sarah McLachlan
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