Adventure #39: Home Buying

I bought a home.

Let's allow that to sink in for a moment...because being a new, single female homeowner is definitely an adventure, probably one of the biggest I've encountered since beginning this blog.

Here are some of the highlights thus far:

• Too many keys and not enough keys. I have no keys to the pool gate or the walk-through gate to get my mail, so I literally have to go out the front door of my home to walk to the mailbox. What a hassle! However, I have extra keys with no corresponding locks. Interesting.
• I have an overhead kitchen light. I have a kitchen light switch. But the two don't correspond. Hmmm?
• Upon move-in, I quickly discovered that my bathroom light was entirely too dim for a proper makeup application, and although my boyfriend really likes the color orange, I am not too fond of it, particularly on my face. The first hurdle was finding an appropriate light to replace the first one. The second hurdle was the actual installation of said light fixture. Thankfully, my little handy-dandy boyfriend did find a resolution that I can live with, albeit not a perfect one.
• Stairs. My calves HATED me the first weekend after move-in. Definitely (pant) must (pant) get (pant) used (pant) to (pant) having (pant) a (pant) second (pant) floor.

Looking forward to more reports for you on this particular adventure!

Complex vs. Complicated

I came across the most wonderful article about why a man should marry a complicated girl, and it obviously began with a reminiscence of a Sex and the City episode.The only change I would have made in the article was the use of the word 'complicated.' Here's why...

When I first began this blog, I talked about my ex calling me hot ice cream. "I want things both ways, every way possible." I longed to find someone who could love me for me, including all of my intensely complicated parts. But, as my Caribbean beau believed, these nuances aren't complications but rather complexities, and isn't that really what it's all about? Someone to love the good, the bad, and the ugly. Someone who wouldn't hesitate, not even for a millisecond.

Update: Too Many Answers

A few weeks ago, I wrote about not wanting to ask the tough questions, but maybe the problem isn't inherently in the questions, but in the answers, specifically that there are too many of them. Let me explain.

Life decisions come in a variety of forms, shapes, and sizes. There are decisions about career, decisions about marriage, and decisions about children. There are decisions about family, friends, and felines (except in my case, of course). We spend countless hours pondering the 'best' or 'right' decision, when in actuality, it may be that any decision will prove itself. We'll never know if a different decision would have resulted in a better or more positive outcome. There are simply too many choices, too many answers, to a single question, and maybe that's truly wherein the difficulty lies.

Adventure #38: Segway Tour

Earlier this fall, my wonderful mother came for an extended weekend visit, and we really hit the town! One of the absolute highlights of her visit was a downtown tour of the city in which I live, but what made it particularly special was that we used segways. Once mom got over her initial terror of falling off or falling down, or not being able to "make it go," she could be seen zipping up and down city blocks, and we were both laughing like children. What a terrific day and not one soon forgotten!

Connections

When I am yearning for the right words, I often use "connection" to illustrate the feelings, the attractions, the understandings I have with another. My mom and I have an amazing bond, a connection more often attributed to life-long girlfriends. Every time I pick up the phone with my closest girlfriends, I know that I can truly be myself.

Yet, what happens when you feel that pull, that tug with someone whom you're not supposed to? Society tells us to submerge those feelings below the surface, but sometimes the connection is just too strong to dilute. But then I wonder, again, maybe it's just me? Maybe it's only me feeling the connection and not the other. What then? 

The Secrets That We Keep

It's never the tangible things, the things that we can see; rather it's the feelings inside, the feelings so deep. Feelings of intensity and passion that simmer below the surface, wanting desperately to overflow...yet knowing that they can't, understanding that they would only hurt the fragile exterior we carry so carefully around with us.

Romantical

Yes, I am aware, that the subject for this post is not actually retrievable from a legit Webster dictionary. However, I like it, so ergo...

I want some romantical in my life. Love comes in a variety of forms and formats, and though I will not conjecture as to the future of stated affairs, I am long past the requisite passion my bones desire.

Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware

Another Morning After

"The morning after learning bad news is always the worst...the loss of a loved one, a break-up, failing at school, realizing you wronged someone. For an instant, it's not there, then it's in your face. For those of you going through personal trials, hang in there, you'll get past the morning. It will get better."

This was the status update on one of my friend's facebook page this morning, and it profoundly resonated with me. I can easily recall the feelings I had the morning after my ex and I decided to take a break, the morning after an irreversible fight with a life-long friend, the morning after my dad died. It's almost like getting punched in the stomach. It's knowing that no one else will truly understand what and how you feel in that moment. It's wanting to turn back time to a place before "the morning after." But you can't.

Adventure #37: Travel Running

While on a business trip to Vegas earlier this year - yes you heard correctly, Vegas - I had the most entertaining run at 7am on a Friday morning. Here were just a few of the highlights:

• There is smoke everywhere in Vegas. Like it or not, it's just something to expect in the casinos, but having to run through a constant cloud of cigarette smoke is not exactly my idea of fun.
• Drunk people can and will be drunk at all hours of the day. They will even challenge you in quite humiliating, yet entertaining, ways, including racing you as part of a bet with their buddies and "flying" down escalators to catch up with you.
• Las Vegas might be the get rich quick capital of the known universe, but that doesn't negate the large population of homeless that live in the city.
• "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, "including the much younger woman in a man's suit jacket (and not much else) asking for directions to her hotel.
• Apparently, babies like to gamble early in the day.
• Dry heat is rough on the lungs.
• Only in Las Vegas would there be a nail studio entitled, "Get Nailed."

Don't Ask Questions

I've been coming back to this topic a lot recently. Sometimes not knowing something is better than knowing it, right? Sometimes even within ourselves. Sometimes I don't even want to ask myself questions because I'm not sure I'm ready for the answers. What if we really and truly want a different answer from the one we know we'd get?

At the end of my relationship with Superman, I blogged about a man who was able to see things in me I have trouble seeing in myself. Over the subsequent years, that chance encounter resulted in an unbreakable connection, regardless of the distance between the two magnetic points. We have maintained communication and a special existence that is unparalleled to that which I embody with Lizard or even my Caribbean boyfriend.

- which brings me to -

Boricua. A man who sends messages like this: "Your smile is precious enough to take anyone's problem away and your personality lifts anyone's spirit...when you look yourself in the mirror, see that you are more than enough to make someone happy and to make a difference."

If I am brutally honest with myself, I want the stability of a relationship, while being able to explore my inner passions. Fitting those puzzle pieces together for me has become a large purpose in my life, and the experiences I encounter largely shape who and what I am.

By the way, Superman is engaged...and I'm simply grateful that it's not to me.

My So-Called Life

"This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do." When I was a teenager, there was a television show that truly resonated with everything I lived and breathed on a daily basis - struggles with appearance, conflicts with friends, crushes on the opposite sex. My So-Called Life chronicled the life of 15-year-old Angela Chase, played by Claire Danes, and her love interest, Jordan Catalano, played by the hunky and sensual Jared Leto.

In an early episode, Angela states that her feelings for Jordan "keep me going, or something, like I need it, just to get through the day." When her friend Ricky equates it to an obsession, she agrees, "Right. And if you make it real, it's not the same. It's not...it's not yours anymore. I don't know - maybe I'd rather have the fantasy, than even him." Most days, I wish I had the fantasy back, whether I never knew the outcome or not, because then I would never question the realness of the entire experience - were his feelings for me real? Were our conversations real? Were our experiences real? But then I try to remind myself that regardless...regardless of it all, my feelings for him were, are, very real.

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough." You see, I have never felt more myself than when I was with him or even thinking about myself after having had his path intersect mine, almost "like...seeing a comet. Or just feeling like you're seeing one. Seeing the other person's perfectness...or something."

My love for him is not a manifestation, though, of perfectness, rather it's "not just a fantasy. [It's] got, like, flaws. [It's] real." But is it any less real than before? Before the end?

"Have you ever felt like you could cry because you know that you just heard the most important thing anybody in the world could have spoken at that moment?" There were so many moments we spent together that were perfect, when "sometimes someone says something really small...and it just fits into this empty space in your heart. And you can feel it settling in there, maybe for the rest of your life." Late one night, we were lying on the dock, and he asked me why I liked dancing so much. I told him that he already knew the answer, and he said, 'Passion.' So I simply asked him to say it again. And I looked up, and there were all of these stars looking down on us and smiling.

"There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change." Our connection was intense and deep, and though our paths did not intersect until the third decade of my life, he did know me in a way that others who have known me for years could not see. "It just seems like; you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?" And in my mind, I have always felt that love was not simply adequate to describe our connection.

But then, "It's always tempting to lose yourself with someone, who's maybe lost themselves." And is that the crutch of the entire madness - that he was too lost himself to be able to find me? He even admitted during those tumultuous days together that he felt I understood him better than he understood himself..."People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me"

In knowing that I need to move on, move on from this place, I am lax in the ability to do so, the desire even to do that which I know I must. But I know that "I am not the kind of girl who thinks a guy is the answer to everything...I'm just tired of being alone." And if I have ever said anything truthful, that would be the most honest admission of them all.

Rules to Live By

Time Magazine is one of my personal guilty pleasures while maintaining an air of sophistication. In the September 29, 2014 edition, Kristin van Ogtrop has a wonderful article entitled "Life's Common Core," more or less a spoof on the controversial Common Core Standards making their way into many public school systems via federal legislation.

Here is my personal variation of her top 10 list for earning a high school diploma:

1. Handwrite a letter.
2. Learn to cook a good meal.
3. Hold down a blue-collar job.
4. Travel without your phone for an entire weekend.
5. Volunteer your time.
6. Do something nice for someone just because you can.
7. Write a thank-you note.
8. Read a book for pleasure.
9. Do something nice for a neighbor.
10. Enjoy the journey more than the destination.

Accountability

From time to time, I am fraught with the same friendship frustrations, and they all corral around one central concept: accountability. I even began this blog with this same notion of irritability regarding friendships. Time after time, I am completely baffled by others' lack of commitment to promises made. "Life changes sometimes unexpectedly" is not an acceptable response. When another opportunity presents itself, the acceptable answer is to honor the original commitment, not take on something else because it seems better in the moment. It's sad that people of our age continue to blame others for their inability to be accountable for their actions. An appropriate response would have been, "I'm sorry. I chose a man over spending time with you." At least then there would have been some integrity in the outrageousness...

Adventure #36: MOOC-Walking

If you don't know what a MOOC is, you are obviously not in the same career field as I. And no, it's not what causes high and low tide.

MOOCS (Massive Open Online Courses) are the latest rage in academia, despite limited research on their effectiveness or usefulness. Yet, I decided to take the plunge and signed up for a class. "How to Change the World" - it seems so, well, world-changing. LOL So far, I've learned about the tragedy of the commons, and specifically this week we've discussed extreme poverty. I am very proud to say that I made an A on my first essay! Perhaps less challenging than the numerous math problems attempted in college, but I am thoroughly enjoying the critical thinking the course has inspired.

My 7 Deadly Sins

1. I am a pro-choice advocate.
2. I support same-sex marriage.
3. I acknowledge the existence of global warming.
4. I promote stricter gun legislation.
5. I believe in universal health care for all.
6. I fundamentally defend a true and complete separation of religion and state.
7. I enjoy sex.

Bedrooms

I recently came across an amazing photo collection that depicts the bedrooms in which children live throughout the world. Obviously, the assortment predominantly features children living in undesirable or even sub-human conditions, but I appreciate the homage to those often forgotten. I will warn you that some of the pictures are truly heart-wrenching.

Adventure #35: Wedding Bliss

My.Best.Friend.Got.Married. A part of me still can't truly believe it. We are both 30+ (as you know) and for the longest time, she didn't want to be, married, that is. But then a time came when she did want to be married, and by then, she wondered - is it too late for me? Yet, alas, the future is ever-changing, and my best friend of 15 years is now officially part of a couple.

I could not be happier. Truly. I was not jealous to be a single in a sea of married couples.  I was not jealous to be the only single in the bridal party. I was not jealous to see her walk down the aisle toward the man of her dreams. (Though you had better believe that I asked if it was required for me to stand with the other unmarrieds during the bouquet toss! Thankfully, she loves me and let me off the hook.) Instead, I was utterly delighted, for nothing in the world could fill me with more joy than seeing someone so dear to me have the day that she has dreamed of and prayed for, for so many years past.

But in a good faith effort to be transparent, my Lizard was there by my side the entire time. Well, sort of. In actuality, because he was forced to be a part of the bridal party due to his association with me, he was somehow recruited to be a secondary "official" photographer for the wedding. Talk about someone being in his element! The boy was full-blown paparazzi, which created a lot of needed humor during a sometimes stressful event. Props to Lizard boy!

And in honor of the newlyweds: Unconditionally by Katy Perry

Update: Irresolutions

Ugh! I am my own worst enemy. Right after the first of the year I wrote about how I intend on doing a much better job of keeping up with my blog. Lo and behold, it's over FIVE months later, and I haven't even logged in since then. Rules were made to be broken, I suppose.

Here's an update, albeit not much of one:

• "Post a blog entry a minimum of 5 times per month." Duh! For this one, I suck.
• "Grow in my relationship with Lizard." Check! The only resolution that I feel I've made some decent progress with. See further blog posts for more information.
• "Get more active and healthy." Big blah. I have had the most difficult time getting back into a routine and a healthy lifestyle.
• "Work on my impatience with stupid people." No comment.

The Holiday Survival Guide

Something happened to me. I left my hometown, and I grew up. More specifically, I grew a brain. Now, seriously, you may not agree with me on every political issue, every moral dilemma, every tit-for-tat, but what I did learn, when I moved away that is, is that I can make my own decisions about issues, dilemmas, and whatnot. So, from me to you, here's how you deal with the holidays, if (like me), you are forced to regress about 50+ years...your personal holiday survival guide.

Resolutions

My last post was about 3 1/2 months ago, and I know that you have been pining for another, yet something tells me a diatribe of excuses won't right the wrong this time. So I will spare both you and I and cut right to the chase.

Resolutions were fundamentally created to be unobtainable...or at least that's what some people believe.  A new and greater year is upon us, and I intend on living this one just like the last one. For the first time, ever actually, I lived a year where I accomplished much, if not all, that I had set out to do at the onset. I became a latin dancer. I made a long-term commitment to an extremely worthwhile charity in my community. And I challenged myself at work by taking on a second responsibility for an interim period of time.

With an ever slight hint of conceit, I am rather proud of myself for sticking to my goals, and in a similar vein, I shall outline my annual intentions for 2014:

• Post a blog entry a minimum of 5 times per month. Quantifying a goal gives it legs to walk or run. Writing gives me an outlet to express myself in a way that I often have difficulty doing otherwise. Reflecting is necessary to growing spiritually.
• Grow in my relationship with Lizard. Specifically, engage in activities that are new and exciting to facilitate a better understanding of each other. Communicate daily about our thoughts, feelings, and needs.
• Get more active and healthy. Yes, I would be remiss to forego the quintessential New Year's resolution. In my past, I have been a dancer, a runner, a triathlete, and I know I can be all of those again. I will dance at least once each week, swim at least once each week, and run 12-15 miles each week. And just for Lizard, I will diligently work on my vegetable absorption.
• Work on my impatience with stupid people. Truly, this one might just be the absolute most difficult for me this year. I am quick-tempered more than I am quick-witted, sad to say, and I could learn from the patience of others around me.

I hope that you will hold me accountable!