Adventure #19: Travel Journal

As I mentioned in my bio, I started writing mostly on trips...a keepsake reminder of the wonderful experiences encountered during my travels to foreign lands, as well as domestic cities. This weekend, I decided that since I was going to be revisiting my favorite Caribbean island, I should reread the journal where the love affair all started. And what an amazing affair that was! LOL

If I do say so myself, the journal is exquisitely thorough on details and engaging in a way that kept me turning pages just like some of my favorite novels. Of course, it was my personal experience that I was perusing, but still, the passion in between the lines was absolutely breath-taking. And I don't think anyone else would disagree...the problem? No one could EVER read that journal and look at me the same way again! Oh my goodness!

So, summer #2 on my island of love...what shall the journal writing encompass this time around?!

Too Much?

Is it possible to have too much of a good thing?  Do you lose appreciation, do you take for granted, that which you have too often?

In a recent blog, I talked about wanting to be enough for someone. You see - the major problem is that I'm  simply and utterly too much...and especially too much to be enough. I am independent, confident, and absurdly silly at times. But at the same time, I also desire someone to hold me, someone to remind me how beautiful I am - inside and out, and someone to wipe my tears away when I cry. For how can anyone be one way all the time? Superman is always ok...ok every time. I am not always ok...not ok every time. 

Mr. Looks Right on Paper is already out of the picture. Shocker, I know. A man to actually stay around for more than the beginning...unheard of in my realm of the universe. And again, I am at a loss as to why I am not even enough to be a friend...

But, I'm going to end this post on an upbeat...no, it is not possible to have too much of a good thing. These men really are just stupid enough to not want such greatness in their lives! LOL So, what shall I do? I shall purchase a ticket to my Caribbean island and spend an amazing week with my Caribbean boyfriend, the one man who never thinks I'm too much.

Distraction

Nothing better to weather a break-up than a distraction...or two or three. Superman is still in my life, in some way, form, or fashion, and I know in my heart that I wouldn't want it any other way. He continues to - eventually anyway - answer the questions that plague my mind and overwhelm my days. And until I am ready, really ready, there's no use in pushing it along, because it will only cause the heartache to drag on indefinitely.

However, the man who looks good on paper is filling a void that Superman left when he flew off. A man who is surprisingly interesting, easy to talk to and be with, and intelligent in ways I've forgotten to appreciate. No matter where this distraction takes me, there's nothing wrong with having a little Mr. Right Now.

And, of course, there is always my Caribbean boyfriend, the never-changing beacon in the storm. And thank God for that little bit of hope. "The only thing more dangerous than fear is hope." -The Hunger Games

Missing

I miss him. So much sometimes. How is it even possible to miss someone so much? Someone you feel like you don't even truly know most of the time.

But then I'm reminded of my Caribbean boyfriend. I often encountered the same thoughts, the same feelings, upon my return home. How could I feel so strongly, so deeply for this person I had spent only a day or two with? Yet, almost a year later, my heart still yearns for that Caribbean island where, yes, where we fell in love, two hearts connected beyond anything we could ever imagine.

It's just something in your heart, some tug, some pull that overwhelms you with emotion, with fettering "sentiment."

Why, oh why, do I not have this feeling for a man who could return it?!

The List

I LOVE lists. I have lists for just about everything in my life - work responsibilities, chores, errands, scrapbook needs, and on and on. But when I was much younger in my adulthood, I had the list...the list of all of the attributes and qualities I wanted in a partner. I remember having things on the list like confidence, holds my hand in public, kisses well, plays with my hair, and opens the door for me. Though I no longer have the list, most of the same requirements hold true today in my dating life.

I'm confident you've noticed my list doesn't include some very obvious, necessary things...things like financial stability and emotional maturity. Not sure if I assumed these or if they really weren't important to me at that time in my life. Interestingly, though, my heart still doesn't focus on these conditions when falling for someone, but my brain knows better. The juxtaposition of the two elements is where I am falling copiously short.

Somewhat unknowingly, I went on a date last night. As always, he looks perfect on paper - physically attractive, intelligent, educated, a good conversationalist, motivated, fiscally secure, and emotionally available for a relationship (I think), but my heart is nowhere to be seen on the scene. Plus, he doesn't dance and we all know that's not going to work out...maybe I need to revisit my list.

Still, a new male friend is always a good way to get over a tremendous heartbreak.

Idealism

Is it wrong that I am the lone wolf in a sea of lions? It sometimes feels as though I am the remaining champion of the underdog in this world of thieves and plunderers of hearts.

I want to believe that his "sentiment" as he refers to it is honest and true. His responses and demeanor appear genuine and sincere. Like when he asks me where my insecurity lies? How can he show me that I should not worry? Am I truly so naive that I can't see what everyone else "sees"?

Mr. Right Now

All my life I've heard that I should look for Mr. Right, instead of Mr. Right Now. An effort to find a lasting relationship, someone I can marry, not simply date. A good Southern girl knows that ultimately it's not about finding a boyfriend, but finding a spouse, of course. The Mrs. college degree, albeit the degree I have yet to earn, gain, find, and any other verb you would like to interject.

But what is necessarily wrong with finding someone that adds something worthwhile to your life, even if it isn't forever? Even if you know that he's not the man who answers all of your dreams, only some of them? Is it not better to have someone in your life that completes parts of you, although he doesn't complete all of you?

Ironically, the past two relationships have ended with the same generic reasoning: I deserve more, better, but they just can't do more, better, RIGHT NOW. So, maybe I should be looking for Mr. Right Now after all?!

Superman is Indeed a Myth

Shocking title, I know. You were so sure that Santa Claus is real and there really is a network of elves slaving away in a toy factory at the North Pole. But, alas, it is not meant to be. Fairy tales most often are not.

This fairy tale, however, does not involve glass slippers and evil queens. For a week, I've been trying to put all the puzzle pieces together, to make some sense of the contradictory messages, but again, you can't rationalize crazy or stupid. The gripping problem for me is and always is the lack of sanity in any answers I can gather and attempt to analyze.

For a week, my Caribbean boyfriend has struggled with my indecision in regard to my relationship with Superman, but when I simply said he was the first man to make me feel anything like I felt with him, the translucent veil was lifted from his eyes and he could see...see the love that was allowing the intense hurt and pain. I wanted him so desperately to be the man I fell in love with that first weekend, the kind and caring man seemingly interested in nothing but me that does appear on occasion from time to time. However, it does not reconcile with the other man in him - the one that disappears from radar for long extended periods of time, the one that does not always make me a priority, the one that can not or will not intertwine his love for me into his life.

So, in his absence last night, another man reminded me of my beauty - internally and externally, my intelligence, my innate ability to draw others to me, something my Caribbean boyfriend has always said, especially as of late. And I danced, and I felt sexy and sophisticated without him, when all I really wanted was for him to make me feel that way.

Do you know what I will miss the most, though? The everyday call or text that I quickly came to love and hang on to like a lifeline...

Integrity

What do you do when you have lost trust in someone? Can you gain it back? Is it even possible?

I recently posted a blog about trust, an outward reflection of some inner demons I have been struggling with in my personal life. My boyfriend, Superman, has challenged my trust recently, and I don't know who or what to believe. My heart wants desperately for him to be the loving, caring person he's portrayed himself to be, but my intuition is yelling at me. Something just isn't right, and I can't put my finger on it.

Everyone always automatically assumes infidelity, but in this case, I just don't believe that. It's more of an inability on his part to trust me with his life, to make me a focal point, to include me. I just want to feel a part of all that's important to him, and I don't feel that way. Perhaps it takes time. Perhaps our feelings for one another have moved more quickly than our relationship is able to keep up with. Perhaps there are things I just don't understand. The questioning can eat you alive.

The crossroads. Once the waiting is over, and you've come to a time for decision making, what do you do? Do you travel forward together, or do you say that it's time to part and keep the memories? What about the expanse between the extremes? Is it ok to still be unsure, knowing there are so many things you value and appreciate about this person in your life, but not knowing about the uncertainty? Here's putting my heart out there yet again to try...praying he is the man of integrity I want him to be.

Today's selection has become a personal favorite: Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars

Lacrimonious

If you don't know what the definition of lacrimonious is, you're about to find out. I am a crier, and definitely not a pretty one at that. The feelings in my heart, whether from grieving or other sadness or from pure and unadulterated joy, display themselves perfectly in the tears that stream down my face. The things that are important to me I wear like a badge of honor on my sleeve. That particularly includes the people that I love.

Time to tear down some sacred walls in this post...I am blindingly and overwhelmingly in love with my new boyfriend, but as with many beginning relationships that are passionate and stimulating, this one has certainly had some bumpy moments. (And yes, love sometimes happens very quickly for me, the one who loves with reckless abandon.) These situations always result in amazing conversations that culminate in solidified understanding and perfected intimacy, but the waiting, the waiting is what KILLS me. It's the impatience, the unknowing that creates the drama.

But with Superman, as I will refer to him for purposes of anonymity, he's always cool, calm, and collected, exactly what I need for balance in my life of organized chaos. He is always ok, and we are always ok, no matter how long he needs to talk to me so that I feel the same. His patience is like a life preserver in a raging sea, and I hope that I can gain at least enough patience from him to weather my own personal storms of tears. Because sometimes the best and most deserved things aren't necessarily the ones most easily gained.

Update: Sit Down

As you know, I'm rather vocal about some things, like smoking, but there are other much more important moral dilemmas and issues that I definitely want to take a stand on, but for some reason or another, I don't. Is it because I don't want to stir the pot? Is it because I don't want to alienate myself or others? Is it because I don't want people to not like me? Or is it simply, minimally, that I'm just plain scared? Scared?!

In the past six months since I started this blog, I have challenged myself in many ways - taking more risks, diversifying my friend group, and challenging my deeply ingrained belief systems. It has been a rejuvenating experience. Everyday, I'm one step closer to the person I desire to be, the person I choose to be.

Yet, I still "sit down" on some of my major passions. Passions like social justice, marriage equality, and the right to choose. Passions that build in my bloodstream and threaten to erupt into a volcano of anger and fury at the intolerance, unfairness, and just plain stupidity. But as one of my professional mentors is always saying, when I point my finger at others, three more are pointing right back at me. Because I'm not perfect, and I am not always kind like I should be or always love like I should. And really if we just loved all people like we should, humanity would rise to its potential.

"While our parents battled oppression, we're left to explain that racism is still present to skeptical people who continue to benefit from white privilege but struggle to see how." -Time

Update: Silent Connections

I just recently posted a blog about how love can cross all boundaries, and I came across a terrific video that demonstrates that very concept. I think you'll enjoy it too!

Trust in a World of Angst

Trust. It's quintessential to a healthy relationship of any kind. Trust. It's inherent in our species from birth, yet somehow we manage to escape the naivete of believing beyond measure. Trust. It's the spaces in between...in between the commas, in between the conversations, in between the commonalities.

Saying you trust someone and actually living it are two different realizations. How do you really know whether the other person's words and actions are true and authentic? Is it simply enough to rely on your heart for such intense matters? Or could it be that you just so desperately want it to be true that you believe even when all arrows point otherwise?

In relationships built on lies and deception, is there a point, or series of points, where one realizes the other is being dishonest? And what of insecurity, simply finding it difficult to believe...believe that someone so wonderful can love you, just the way you are?

In my world, I am not cautious with my heart. I hurt immensely...a lot, but one day, I am hoping the pain and suffering will win, win over the skeptics in this upside down world in which we live.