I've written a few posts on similar topics previously: here and here, but this entry is most closely related to my last one about disappointment.
I need to set one thing clear: this diatribe isn't about not getting what I wanted for Christmas, ok actually maybe it is. The truth is that I asked out loud for "normal" gifts received on this holiday, things like perfume, cds, and jewelry, and those are all items that I found under the tree on Christmas morning. But, you know what? What I really wanted, down deep in my soul, wasn't actually so tangible. I wanted time well spent with friends and family, and sadly that is not what I have received. In some cases, perhaps my true desires weren't so verbally expressed, but in other instances, my intentions were crystal clear. Regardless, if someone means something to you, wouldn't you do everything you can to show that person how much they mean to you?
My friendship wasn't important enough to even garner a personal apology, but even if I'd received one, I know my soul would not have been receptive to it. "Some actions, some words you just can't take back, and in a single moment, in a flash of an instant, your feelings about a situation or a relationship are changed forever." Some relationships, no matter their length, just can't be fixed, and consistently excusing their behavior won't make the bonds whole again. Plus, that would never be my personality anyway. I have always and will always refuse to be someone's doormat. When hatred is rooted deep, at some point you just have to stop laying down like one, even when it may hurt someone else close to the situation. At the end of the day, no one is going to take care of me but me.
My anger, my fury is fueled by my sadness, and isn't that the worst kind? To make matters worse, my soul has been damaged, and when your soul is hurt, how do you really repair that? My ex, after four years, was quite familiar with all things me, and my difficult relationships were no exception. Selfishly, it's times like these that I miss him the most, because he alone could understand my hurt better than anyone else.
Interestingly, though he's been known to let me down more than the average joe, much more I'm afraid, the man who keeps me up at night has been my surprising comfort during the past few days...I guess sometimes they do surprise you, in a good way.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Disappointment
This day of the year is always a difficult one for me. Even if I have fun things planned, I always seem to approach the day with an impassive attitude that is often prevailed by a pervasive sense of mortality and general gloominess. Today was no different, despite being in a place where I feel most at home.
The overarching theme of this blog though is one of disappointment, on a day already fraught with the blues. I seem to deal with this issue a lot in my life, something to do with my "high expectations" of people and situations. I've mentioned this character flaw of mine previously, but you see, the thing is that I don't think I have high expectations. I think my expectations are quite realistic and attainable. It's really quite simple - if you say you're going to be there, be there. If you say you're going to do something, do it. I'm not so naive as to believe that emergencies never prevent even the most well-intentioned plans from being realized, but whatever happened to the golden rule? It almost seems like a foreign concept, a concept that in yesteryear was not only a norm but almost a requisite for social behavior.
Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of the people closest to me letting me down. Perhaps selfish of me, but when you only get to see me a few times a year, shouldn't you do everything you can to see me, come hell or high water...maybe that's just me and the people that I care about, but if I agreed to see a friend of mine weeks in advance, I can assure you that I would be there and at the time agreed upon, probably earlier.
On a much lighter note, I received an early Christmas gift this week, an actual phone call from my Caribbean friend. It was so unexpected, and isn't that the best type of gift there is?! Conversations with him are always so comfortable and easy, and I can't help to be transported right back to the island of sun, right where my heart belongs. Maybe the rest of me can meet my heart there someday...
The overarching theme of this blog though is one of disappointment, on a day already fraught with the blues. I seem to deal with this issue a lot in my life, something to do with my "high expectations" of people and situations. I've mentioned this character flaw of mine previously, but you see, the thing is that I don't think I have high expectations. I think my expectations are quite realistic and attainable. It's really quite simple - if you say you're going to be there, be there. If you say you're going to do something, do it. I'm not so naive as to believe that emergencies never prevent even the most well-intentioned plans from being realized, but whatever happened to the golden rule? It almost seems like a foreign concept, a concept that in yesteryear was not only a norm but almost a requisite for social behavior.
Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of the people closest to me letting me down. Perhaps selfish of me, but when you only get to see me a few times a year, shouldn't you do everything you can to see me, come hell or high water...maybe that's just me and the people that I care about, but if I agreed to see a friend of mine weeks in advance, I can assure you that I would be there and at the time agreed upon, probably earlier.
On a much lighter note, I received an early Christmas gift this week, an actual phone call from my Caribbean friend. It was so unexpected, and isn't that the best type of gift there is?! Conversations with him are always so comfortable and easy, and I can't help to be transported right back to the island of sun, right where my heart belongs. Maybe the rest of me can meet my heart there someday...
Monday, December 12, 2011
Double Standards
One of the topics that has been at the forefront of my hamster wheels lately is that of double standards. We all judge people, whether intentionally or otherwise - someone's hairstyle, someone's choice of profession, or sometimes someone's personality difference or even skin color. Now, I'm not saying I'm a saint or an angel, certainly not. I'm more or less simply pointing out a common human flaw that has been rearing its ugly head in my life quite frequently recently but simultaneously showing me how much I've grown in my own personal conflicts and social constraints.
It's difficult to explain my feelings on this subject without disclosing a rather personal story, but I suppose that is what blogging is for, right? Over the summer, I became acquaintances with someone through a close friend of mine. As I got to know her more, I discovered that I really liked her - I found her to be unique, exciting, and full of adventure. Sometimes those adventures, however, included experiences that were not always familiar to me, much less things that I was personally comfortable with. I would like to say that I didn't judge her by her past, but I'm sure on many levels I assumed certain things because of some of her prior experiences. It also caused me to misjudge (pun intended) her feelings on certain things. As a result, I failed to see that she had feelings for a mutual male friend of ours, and I proceeded to kiss him one night in front of her.
I know - shame on me. Interestingly, due to my naivete about the entire situation, I didn't even realize I had done something "wrong." Why was it ok for her to have an "escapade" with this man but not ok for me to kiss him? I know what you're thinking...because she was your friend and you don't date other friend's exes. Even if I completely agreed with that statement, which I'm not sure I do (wow, I'm getting rather illicit now), he wasn't an ex. A one-night fling does not constitute an ex in my book, and furthermore, both of us were single at the time, something the girl in question was not.
Had I the situation to do over again, I'm not sure if I would handle it in the same way or not, quite frankly. I am not apologetic for having kissed him; I am truly sorry for causing her hurt or pain, though. In the end, the friendship was over, and it became a huge rift in the relationship that I had with my close friend, a fact that I also never really understood given her own deviant behavior at times.
Promiscuity. Yeah, I said it. What's wrong with it? It's ok for men; why not women? Why are we judged differently simply because of our gender? This topic has always been a source of consternation for me. Women have fought so diligently for hundreds of years to be treated as equals, and yet in this area, apparently we are satisfied with status quo. Disgusting!
I may be Southern - sweet and charming, of course, but I also have some fairly liberal ideas about sexuality in general (despite the example referenced above). In the argument that I recently had with a former soulmate, he alluded to this gender bias by referencing my dating history in a very antagonizing way, a comment that was altogether hurtful and unfounded. The only positive outcome of his comment was my response, of which I am particularly proud. :)
Finally, I have recently been thinking about social constructs, a concept I've learned from a friend who is somewhat of an educational expert in the area. As we all know, our thoughts, ideas, and opinions on most everything are infinitely determined and shaped by our parents, families, and communities, and even when we want to feel differently about a issue, it may be difficult to do so. In the past few weeks, I have confronted this dilemma head-on, and I have sufficiently surprised myself with my open-mindedness and genuine authenticity to see and feel contrary to my upbringing. It's almost as though someone has literally removed the translucent veil covering my eyes, and for the first time, I'm seeing the world as was intended. (Maybe too lofty, but my point is very poignant here.) I hope that everyone has that moment at some point in their lives, whether sooner or later.
Also wanted to let you know that I heard from the man who keeps me up at night recently - an actual phone call, the first since I saw him last. And, yes, I was ok during the call and after the call...just in case you were wondering.
It's difficult to explain my feelings on this subject without disclosing a rather personal story, but I suppose that is what blogging is for, right? Over the summer, I became acquaintances with someone through a close friend of mine. As I got to know her more, I discovered that I really liked her - I found her to be unique, exciting, and full of adventure. Sometimes those adventures, however, included experiences that were not always familiar to me, much less things that I was personally comfortable with. I would like to say that I didn't judge her by her past, but I'm sure on many levels I assumed certain things because of some of her prior experiences. It also caused me to misjudge (pun intended) her feelings on certain things. As a result, I failed to see that she had feelings for a mutual male friend of ours, and I proceeded to kiss him one night in front of her.
I know - shame on me. Interestingly, due to my naivete about the entire situation, I didn't even realize I had done something "wrong." Why was it ok for her to have an "escapade" with this man but not ok for me to kiss him? I know what you're thinking...because she was your friend and you don't date other friend's exes. Even if I completely agreed with that statement, which I'm not sure I do (wow, I'm getting rather illicit now), he wasn't an ex. A one-night fling does not constitute an ex in my book, and furthermore, both of us were single at the time, something the girl in question was not.
Had I the situation to do over again, I'm not sure if I would handle it in the same way or not, quite frankly. I am not apologetic for having kissed him; I am truly sorry for causing her hurt or pain, though. In the end, the friendship was over, and it became a huge rift in the relationship that I had with my close friend, a fact that I also never really understood given her own deviant behavior at times.
Promiscuity. Yeah, I said it. What's wrong with it? It's ok for men; why not women? Why are we judged differently simply because of our gender? This topic has always been a source of consternation for me. Women have fought so diligently for hundreds of years to be treated as equals, and yet in this area, apparently we are satisfied with status quo. Disgusting!
I may be Southern - sweet and charming, of course, but I also have some fairly liberal ideas about sexuality in general (despite the example referenced above). In the argument that I recently had with a former soulmate, he alluded to this gender bias by referencing my dating history in a very antagonizing way, a comment that was altogether hurtful and unfounded. The only positive outcome of his comment was my response, of which I am particularly proud. :)
Finally, I have recently been thinking about social constructs, a concept I've learned from a friend who is somewhat of an educational expert in the area. As we all know, our thoughts, ideas, and opinions on most everything are infinitely determined and shaped by our parents, families, and communities, and even when we want to feel differently about a issue, it may be difficult to do so. In the past few weeks, I have confronted this dilemma head-on, and I have sufficiently surprised myself with my open-mindedness and genuine authenticity to see and feel contrary to my upbringing. It's almost as though someone has literally removed the translucent veil covering my eyes, and for the first time, I'm seeing the world as was intended. (Maybe too lofty, but my point is very poignant here.) I hope that everyone has that moment at some point in their lives, whether sooner or later.
Also wanted to let you know that I heard from the man who keeps me up at night recently - an actual phone call, the first since I saw him last. And, yes, I was ok during the call and after the call...just in case you were wondering.
Adventure #10: Rock Concert
I did it! I went to a concert...alone! There is a local rock band that I just think is fantastic, and I've seen them live several times now. They have amazing stage presence, intense and passionate lyrics, not to mention catchy tunes. I knew they were coming into town and that no one in my life would be even remotely interested, so I bought a ticket, had a few alcoholic beverages, and truly enjoyed the show - headbanging and all! Delightful! A must do again, for sure!
And because I think you should check them out, here's my favorite song by the band: Bullets and Blue Eyes by Nothing More.
And because I think you should check them out, here's my favorite song by the band: Bullets and Blue Eyes by Nothing More.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
FWB
I've been thinking about this topic a lot recently, and apparently, I'm not the only one since Hollywood has produced two movies focusing on the subject in the past year. The impetus for putting pen to paper, or rather hand to keyboard as the case may be, for this blog is about being hot ice cream on the topic.
I would be remiss if I did not admit to having had non-committed relationships in the past, but for most intents and purposes, my intimate encounters have been solitary experiences or situations where I hoped a relationship would develop. What about the situation where neither is the case? When he/she is already a friend and you take it to another level? Can you really be just FWB? There's a laundry list of reasons why people say no - the friendship could be negatively affected, common friends may not approve, intimacy without a relationship is ethically wrong, etc. Beyond the physical, is there anything positive about a FWB scenario? Can you really walk away at the end and still be friends? I have a lot of questions, but no good answers.
Well, I know myself well enough to know that being FWB would be very difficult, because I have these stupid things that always start to develop...feelings. Argh, I hate feelings! But sometimes I think I'd like to try it, at least once...
Speaking of feelings, the man who keeps me up at night finally sent me a message today, and it was like putting a movie on speed rewind...I was right back there.
I would be remiss if I did not admit to having had non-committed relationships in the past, but for most intents and purposes, my intimate encounters have been solitary experiences or situations where I hoped a relationship would develop. What about the situation where neither is the case? When he/she is already a friend and you take it to another level? Can you really be just FWB? There's a laundry list of reasons why people say no - the friendship could be negatively affected, common friends may not approve, intimacy without a relationship is ethically wrong, etc. Beyond the physical, is there anything positive about a FWB scenario? Can you really walk away at the end and still be friends? I have a lot of questions, but no good answers.
Well, I know myself well enough to know that being FWB would be very difficult, because I have these stupid things that always start to develop...feelings. Argh, I hate feelings! But sometimes I think I'd like to try it, at least once...
Speaking of feelings, the man who keeps me up at night finally sent me a message today, and it was like putting a movie on speed rewind...I was right back there.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Adventure #9: A Charlie Brown Christmas
I did it. I went to a bar by myself, a wine bar to be precise, and I talked to...people! I have a top secret conversation starter that never fails me, and it was once again exactly what I needed to strike up a conversation with 4 very interesting fellow wine lovers. What happened next is the meat of the story...
We started discussing the upcoming holidays, and one of the patrons mentioned how a local retail store is selling Charlie Brown trees, complete with a single ornament and tree skirt. I proceeded to explain how I've always lived in a small apartment and truly miss not being able to put up a full-size Christmas tree, but I have always talked about having a Charlie Brown tree instead. Awhile later, one of the gentlemen left and came back into the bar with none other than a Charlie Brown tree...just for me! I couldn't believe the thoughtfulness of a complete stranger. All he asked was for my first name, and for purposes of anonymity I am unable to state it publicly, but let's just say he was delighted by it. :)
We started discussing the upcoming holidays, and one of the patrons mentioned how a local retail store is selling Charlie Brown trees, complete with a single ornament and tree skirt. I proceeded to explain how I've always lived in a small apartment and truly miss not being able to put up a full-size Christmas tree, but I have always talked about having a Charlie Brown tree instead. Awhile later, one of the gentlemen left and came back into the bar with none other than a Charlie Brown tree...just for me! I couldn't believe the thoughtfulness of a complete stranger. All he asked was for my first name, and for purposes of anonymity I am unable to state it publicly, but let's just say he was delighted by it. :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Crazy Comes in Many Colors
A few weeks ago, I had an enlightening conversation with a friend who is going through a divorce. Enlightening in the sense that we were able to connect...connect in our grief and mourning over the loss of a life, a life that we had grown to love and desire, outside of the waning relationship.
At the end of the conversation, he said it was nice to know that he wasn't crazy. His comment has given me quite a bit of food for thought...who and what determines what is crazy and what isn't? And is there a spectrum of crazy, and if so, what does that look like? Every time I hear 'crazy,' I think about another word that I've been called on more than one occasion - 'different.' What makes me different and why is that so? Even if it's misinterpreted from the originator's point of view, why would anyone desire to be called such? Why not 'original' or 'unique'? 'Different' makes me sound like I have two horns on my head. Better to be 'different' than a carbon copy, though, don't you think?
I am complicated; I am complex. I am crazy; I am different. I am not easy; I am not simple. I am not (always) balanced; I am not the same. I am me.
At the end of the conversation, he said it was nice to know that he wasn't crazy. His comment has given me quite a bit of food for thought...who and what determines what is crazy and what isn't? And is there a spectrum of crazy, and if so, what does that look like? Every time I hear 'crazy,' I think about another word that I've been called on more than one occasion - 'different.' What makes me different and why is that so? Even if it's misinterpreted from the originator's point of view, why would anyone desire to be called such? Why not 'original' or 'unique'? 'Different' makes me sound like I have two horns on my head. Better to be 'different' than a carbon copy, though, don't you think?
I am complicated; I am complex. I am crazy; I am different. I am not easy; I am not simple. I am not (always) balanced; I am not the same. I am me.
Hopeless Hope
I have another confession. Yes, I know, there is a LOT for me to confess. LOL
I have not heard from the man who keeps me up at night in a few weeks, so over the weekend, I asked him if he was trying to distance himself from me. And I have yet to receive a response. That is very unlike him, as I typically get more than I want in response to my messages. I am not wholly confused or heartbroken because, well, you see, I have hopeless hope about him and about us. I dream of a day where we can give it a try, give it a go, without all of the extraneous and conflicting pressures beyond our control. And no matter what my friends and family say, regardless of the mountainous evidence to the contrary, I refuse to let go of my hope. He may not be in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to stop loving him...ever, if I so choose. That's up to me and no one else. Ingenious!
I have not heard from the man who keeps me up at night in a few weeks, so over the weekend, I asked him if he was trying to distance himself from me. And I have yet to receive a response. That is very unlike him, as I typically get more than I want in response to my messages. I am not wholly confused or heartbroken because, well, you see, I have hopeless hope about him and about us. I dream of a day where we can give it a try, give it a go, without all of the extraneous and conflicting pressures beyond our control. And no matter what my friends and family say, regardless of the mountainous evidence to the contrary, I refuse to let go of my hope. He may not be in my life at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to stop loving him...ever, if I so choose. That's up to me and no one else. Ingenious!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Adventure #8: Theater for One?
I am not yet the woman I want to be. How do I know that? Well, this adventure is the perfect example. Again, although not a completely new experience, it is one that I think should make the list. Somewhere inside me, though I try to suppress it, I've made the (subconscious) decision that I must be perfectly happy being alone before I can be perfectly happy with someone else. There.It.Is. The big conundrum.
Last night, I had the opportunity to go to a show, and of course, I was given two tickets. Instead of being the person I want to be and simply going by myself, I chickened (bah! bah!) out and asked a whole slew of people to go with me at the last minute. Of course, I had a fabulous time with a very sweet friend, but in the midst of laughing, I realized that, you know what, it would have been fine...fine to have gone alone. So, I made the decision to leave the show alone, head to a bar alone, and eat a nice dinner alone. And driving home, I had a smile on my face. Not bad...I'm getting there, little by little.
Last night, I had the opportunity to go to a show, and of course, I was given two tickets. Instead of being the person I want to be and simply going by myself, I chickened (bah! bah!) out and asked a whole slew of people to go with me at the last minute. Of course, I had a fabulous time with a very sweet friend, but in the midst of laughing, I realized that, you know what, it would have been fine...fine to have gone alone. So, I made the decision to leave the show alone, head to a bar alone, and eat a nice dinner alone. And driving home, I had a smile on my face. Not bad...I'm getting there, little by little.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Hot Ice Cream
Hot ice cream. Does a thing even exist? And if it does, where might I find it, because it's truly the holy grail in my book?
My ex used to say that about me - that I like hot ice cream; I want things both ways, every way possible. I have never considered myself an indecisive person, and most who know me would probably agree; however, maybe what's easy about the decision for me is that I want both and will do with no less. In some parts of my life, perhaps, I've been aptly rewarded or maybe just plain lucky, but whatever the reason, I've gotten everything and more than I've needed or wanted. In love, though, I will do with no less than hot ice cream - someone I can love passionately and desperately for the rest of my life, while all the while being able to spend daily moments in perfect silence or pulling out my hair with someone I know loves me regardless and even more so because it's me, all of me. Why even must I consider having to compromise some part of my intensely complicated self? Or maybe, just maybe, as my Caribbean friend believes, it's not that I'm inherently complicated, but rather simply complex in all the ways perfect for just someone.
The same philosophy translates into my non-intimate relationships. I'm riding a fence currently in regard to some friendships that I've had for the past few years. The relationships are no longer the same, and though I no longer desire to make amends, I still want the feelings associated with those women to continue. I need to decide whether I want my ice cream to be cold or have none at all...
And because he still keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, here's my song for the day: Bloodstream by Stateless.
My ex used to say that about me - that I like hot ice cream; I want things both ways, every way possible. I have never considered myself an indecisive person, and most who know me would probably agree; however, maybe what's easy about the decision for me is that I want both and will do with no less. In some parts of my life, perhaps, I've been aptly rewarded or maybe just plain lucky, but whatever the reason, I've gotten everything and more than I've needed or wanted. In love, though, I will do with no less than hot ice cream - someone I can love passionately and desperately for the rest of my life, while all the while being able to spend daily moments in perfect silence or pulling out my hair with someone I know loves me regardless and even more so because it's me, all of me. Why even must I consider having to compromise some part of my intensely complicated self? Or maybe, just maybe, as my Caribbean friend believes, it's not that I'm inherently complicated, but rather simply complex in all the ways perfect for just someone.
The same philosophy translates into my non-intimate relationships. I'm riding a fence currently in regard to some friendships that I've had for the past few years. The relationships are no longer the same, and though I no longer desire to make amends, I still want the feelings associated with those women to continue. I need to decide whether I want my ice cream to be cold or have none at all...
And because he still keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the morning, here's my song for the day: Bloodstream by Stateless.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Unforgivable
Some things are simply unforgivable. Some actions, some words you just can't take back, and in a single moment, in a flash of an instant, your feelings about a situation or a relationship are changed forever.
I recently got into an argument with a man that I have known for several years, a man that I once considered a soulmate, but I guess even soulmates have expiration dates sometimes. In reflection, I cannot recall an argument so angry and heated where the outrage that is typically coupled with disappointment, shock, or profound sadness was just that - pure and unadulterated fury. The stark realization is that the passion may not have been all his, but the content certainly was. And though the times we've shared over the years will always be cherished memories, my desire to know him going forward was made null and void. I wish him no ill-will, none at all; simply our paths have diverged for good, and quite possibly have been for some time.
With my ex, in his rage, something quite unlike his typical character, he called me out on my one single most fear in life. I will never forget it. And in that moment, my decision was made. Perhaps it was more of a culminating point than an isolated incident, but nonetheless, it cemented the decision, the decision that would change our lives...forever.
Be careful what you say. Be careful what you do. If you do say it, if you do do it, own it. Stand behind it, but move forward to something bigger. Don't let it make you bitter but rather better.
I recently got into an argument with a man that I have known for several years, a man that I once considered a soulmate, but I guess even soulmates have expiration dates sometimes. In reflection, I cannot recall an argument so angry and heated where the outrage that is typically coupled with disappointment, shock, or profound sadness was just that - pure and unadulterated fury. The stark realization is that the passion may not have been all his, but the content certainly was. And though the times we've shared over the years will always be cherished memories, my desire to know him going forward was made null and void. I wish him no ill-will, none at all; simply our paths have diverged for good, and quite possibly have been for some time.
With my ex, in his rage, something quite unlike his typical character, he called me out on my one single most fear in life. I will never forget it. And in that moment, my decision was made. Perhaps it was more of a culminating point than an isolated incident, but nonetheless, it cemented the decision, the decision that would change our lives...forever.
Be careful what you say. Be careful what you do. If you do say it, if you do do it, own it. Stand behind it, but move forward to something bigger. Don't let it make you bitter but rather better.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Let's Get Real
As you already know, I am rarely at a loss for words when it comes to journaling, but this one has taken all day to formulate. I've had a million blog titles running through my head, and countless fleeting thoughts, but coherence of those thoughts has managed to escape me.
If someone were to ask me about the purpose of life, I'm not sure that I would have an answer, much less a good one. But at the bare minimum, I think it's about people, the coming and going of relationships, the moments in between, and the lessons learned from mistakes made. One conversation, one comment, one disconnection can change the course of a relationship, of a life, forever.
The problem with great expectations is that they're often inherently unattainable, but even more so when they're never expressed. Let's get real! How can you have a true and honest connection with someone if you never see their ugliness? True honesty isn't about saying what someone doesn't want to hear; it's about opening your pandora's box for someone else to appreciate, to learn, to love. And if you can't do that, then really, what is the point in any of it?
My sadness may define me, but it does not dictate every action I take nor every decision I make. Am I the person I want to be? Not yet, but everyday I'm getting closer. And if you can't handle it, then that's your problem, not mine.
If someone were to ask me about the purpose of life, I'm not sure that I would have an answer, much less a good one. But at the bare minimum, I think it's about people, the coming and going of relationships, the moments in between, and the lessons learned from mistakes made. One conversation, one comment, one disconnection can change the course of a relationship, of a life, forever.
The problem with great expectations is that they're often inherently unattainable, but even more so when they're never expressed. Let's get real! How can you have a true and honest connection with someone if you never see their ugliness? True honesty isn't about saying what someone doesn't want to hear; it's about opening your pandora's box for someone else to appreciate, to learn, to love. And if you can't do that, then really, what is the point in any of it?
My sadness may define me, but it does not dictate every action I take nor every decision I make. Am I the person I want to be? Not yet, but everyday I'm getting closer. And if you can't handle it, then that's your problem, not mine.
Dream State
So, I have this problem with nightmares. Not the ones of the someone is chasing me or I'm naked variety, but real nightmares - about things that could actually happen. I'm confident it's directly linked to some anxiety over a person or situation. However, every once in a while, I have a nice dream, a really nice one, like last night. And it felt so...real. And I wanted it to be...real. But when I awoke, I realized that it wasn't...real. And I was sad. But for those few moments, I was exactly where I wanted to be, and how often can you really say that?
Adventure #7: Ice Skating
For women in the South, ice skating isn't exactly a common extracurricular activity, probably having something to do with a lack of snow and ice. However, the advancement of technology has heralded the advent of outdoor ice rinks even in more temperate climates, and I had the fantastic opportunity to don a pair of ice skates for a bit over the weekend.
Though always a tad apprehensive upon first stepping onto the ice, I tend to get a little more confident, perhaps even cocky, as the laps go by. I'm reminded of my mortality, however, as increased speed + inability to stop quickly + too much pedestrian traffic = VERY close calls. I'm going to thank the many years of dancing for my miraculous ability to somehow maintain a general upright nature and my butt off the ice!
Though always a tad apprehensive upon first stepping onto the ice, I tend to get a little more confident, perhaps even cocky, as the laps go by. I'm reminded of my mortality, however, as increased speed + inability to stop quickly + too much pedestrian traffic = VERY close calls. I'm going to thank the many years of dancing for my miraculous ability to somehow maintain a general upright nature and my butt off the ice!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Changing Seasons
Before becoming a big city girl, I grew up in a very small rural area in the South. Some of the things I miss most are men opening doors, lazy Sundays at my grandparents, and the gradual changing of the seasons. For as long as I can remember, autumn has been my absolute favorite time of year, and if the day ever comes, I hope to get married under the falling leaves of orange and red.
Other things have seasons, too, and sometimes that's a difficult lesson to learn or even admit to yourself. The most difficult is when you desperately want something to last more than a season, but it's just not meant to be and it's time to move on to a new time of year, a new season. It's often hard to ascertain exactly what it is that has changed and why a new season is upon you. Being able to accept the course of a life, of a relationship, of a feeling...why must that transition be so harsh and seemingly vindictive? What of the deliberateness of the progression of nature doesn't translate into the complexities of life and love? And if it must be so severe, why must it always seem that we are alone in the transition? Does nature feel the same way?
Other things have seasons, too, and sometimes that's a difficult lesson to learn or even admit to yourself. The most difficult is when you desperately want something to last more than a season, but it's just not meant to be and it's time to move on to a new time of year, a new season. It's often hard to ascertain exactly what it is that has changed and why a new season is upon you. Being able to accept the course of a life, of a relationship, of a feeling...why must that transition be so harsh and seemingly vindictive? What of the deliberateness of the progression of nature doesn't translate into the complexities of life and love? And if it must be so severe, why must it always seem that we are alone in the transition? Does nature feel the same way?
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hottness!
This post is going to be short and sweet...
I'm beyond ecstatic to discover that I am WAY hotter than my ex's current girlfriend. Too much?! Who cares! LOL Totally made my day all day today! Sometimes it's the little things...
I'm beyond ecstatic to discover that I am WAY hotter than my ex's current girlfriend. Too much?! Who cares! LOL Totally made my day all day today! Sometimes it's the little things...
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Adventure #6: Dining Out Alone
This morning, I woke up and decided to do the unthinkable, but then I remembered how Carrie Bradshaw had wrestled with the same issue...dining out alone. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to eat good food. One of the things I miss the most about being in a relationship is dining out with a significant other. Now, I'm not talking about fast food, but actually going inside a restaurant, ordering with a waiter, sitting there and eating, and then asking for the check and tipping him/her.
So, I walked into a nearby restaurant and did just that, and you know what, it wasn't so bad, sitting there alone, eating a delicious breakfast. I think I might just do it again...sometime. And maybe, just maybe, I'll try to strike up a conversation with someone.
So, I walked into a nearby restaurant and did just that, and you know what, it wasn't so bad, sitting there alone, eating a delicious breakfast. I think I might just do it again...sometime. And maybe, just maybe, I'll try to strike up a conversation with someone.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Update: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
I have a confession to make...
A few weeks ago, I shared a post about closure, and in that post, I was relating an experience I'd had about a man who decided to apologize to me a month after the fact. Well, last week after crying my eyeballs out...again...over a man I can not be with, I decided to give him a chance, a chance at least to apologize, rather than being cold in my reception to it. Happily, we struck up a really nice conversation and discussed at least hanging out a bit.
So, last night, I tentatively asked if he had plans for the evening, but he was unable to get together. Quite awhile after our conversation, I received a note from him, telling me that he was seeing someone, but was really attracted to me and had wanted to see us both. In the end, he had realized that wasn't fair to either one of us and didn't know how to bring it up with her! He knew he should have been honest with me last week when I contacted him, but since I'm really great and cool, and he enjoys hanging out with me...on and on and on...until he realized there was nothing he could say to fix things. I simply told him he was an ____ (pg-version!) and I am the stupidest person I know...for giving everyone in my life second, third, and fourth chances to screw me over. I also told him that he's right - I'm amazing. It's easy to SAY it's his loss...
So, for the third time in 2 weeks, a man has lied to me. Wow! Not the kind of records I would like to be setting...
By the way, my mom asked if this is really helping me at all, this blogging and such. I told her that yes, indeed, this blogging and such is exactly what I need...need to tell my story, a story not unlike many others, but unique in the simple fact that it's mine.
"Love comes in its own time and its own way." My mother's hope for me is becoming increasingly difficult to trust, especially when apparently I can't really trust anything that anyone says to me.
A few weeks ago, I shared a post about closure, and in that post, I was relating an experience I'd had about a man who decided to apologize to me a month after the fact. Well, last week after crying my eyeballs out...again...over a man I can not be with, I decided to give him a chance, a chance at least to apologize, rather than being cold in my reception to it. Happily, we struck up a really nice conversation and discussed at least hanging out a bit.
So, last night, I tentatively asked if he had plans for the evening, but he was unable to get together. Quite awhile after our conversation, I received a note from him, telling me that he was seeing someone, but was really attracted to me and had wanted to see us both. In the end, he had realized that wasn't fair to either one of us and didn't know how to bring it up with her! He knew he should have been honest with me last week when I contacted him, but since I'm really great and cool, and he enjoys hanging out with me...on and on and on...until he realized there was nothing he could say to fix things. I simply told him he was an ____ (pg-version!) and I am the stupidest person I know...for giving everyone in my life second, third, and fourth chances to screw me over. I also told him that he's right - I'm amazing. It's easy to SAY it's his loss...
So, for the third time in 2 weeks, a man has lied to me. Wow! Not the kind of records I would like to be setting...
By the way, my mom asked if this is really helping me at all, this blogging and such. I told her that yes, indeed, this blogging and such is exactly what I need...need to tell my story, a story not unlike many others, but unique in the simple fact that it's mine.
"Love comes in its own time and its own way." My mother's hope for me is becoming increasingly difficult to trust, especially when apparently I can't really trust anything that anyone says to me.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Adventure #5: Midnight Movie
Last night, I went to the midnight premiere of an extremely popular series, the fourth of five. I am not ashamed to say that I have never been to a midnight movie before, and it turned out to be a delightfully fun and youthful experience. I was tickled pink at the giggly girls in the audience and the few overly-supportive males who were somehow persuaded to join their girlfriend/fiance/wife for the most disgusting of romantic movies.
I saw the movie with a new group of friends, too. While waiting the two hours before the start of the movie, we talked all things life, love, and relationships - well, what else are women to do with time on their hands and no men in sight?! Turned out to be a great decision to forfeit sleep over a few hunky men - yeah, who in their right mind would NOT do that?!
I saw the movie with a new group of friends, too. While waiting the two hours before the start of the movie, we talked all things life, love, and relationships - well, what else are women to do with time on their hands and no men in sight?! Turned out to be a great decision to forfeit sleep over a few hunky men - yeah, who in their right mind would NOT do that?!
Sex, Lies, and Videotape
This post is NOT about sex or videotape, but I got your attention, right?! What it is about, though, is lying, and particularly the vast haziness that covers the expanse among an outright lie, a partial truth, and full disclosure.
I am open, honest, and upfront...to a fault, but quite frankly, I don't understand why everyone is not like me.
Recently, my Caribbean friend dropped a bombshell on me...the dreaded "I have a secret" and "I've been wanting to tell you for a long time." In the end, his secret is probably not that earth-shattering, but that's not the point. The point is that I open my heart and pour everything out of it for you; why can't/won't you do the same for me? Secrets have no place in my world and certainly not in my heart. Why would you want someone to fall for or even simply like a partial or fake version of you, when most of the time, the real version of you is a much better one?
And is there really a difference between a lie and a secret? The impetus for the problems in my last relationship were a direct output of a huge secret in his life, one that he so eloquently chose to wait 6 weeks in which to tell me. In hindsight, had he told me the first night, I probably would have still entered into a relationship with him. There are times, as in both of these cases, where lies are said to protect people, sometimes from real danger. My question is why I seem to meet a disproportionate amount of men that fall into this category!
Furthermore, it's a lot like closure - sometimes it only makes the one saying it feel better, not the one receiving it. That's what I've thought a lot about over the past few days - at this point, his "secret" doesn't change the past or my feelings for him; it only serves the purpose of making me feel stupid and him look untrustworthy. Maybe some things are just better left not known, you know? And, yes, my naivete is astounding, but it makes me sad to know that trust has to be earned rather than assumed.
I am open, honest, and upfront...to a fault, but quite frankly, I don't understand why everyone is not like me.
Recently, my Caribbean friend dropped a bombshell on me...the dreaded "I have a secret" and "I've been wanting to tell you for a long time." In the end, his secret is probably not that earth-shattering, but that's not the point. The point is that I open my heart and pour everything out of it for you; why can't/won't you do the same for me? Secrets have no place in my world and certainly not in my heart. Why would you want someone to fall for or even simply like a partial or fake version of you, when most of the time, the real version of you is a much better one?
And is there really a difference between a lie and a secret? The impetus for the problems in my last relationship were a direct output of a huge secret in his life, one that he so eloquently chose to wait 6 weeks in which to tell me. In hindsight, had he told me the first night, I probably would have still entered into a relationship with him. There are times, as in both of these cases, where lies are said to protect people, sometimes from real danger. My question is why I seem to meet a disproportionate amount of men that fall into this category!
Furthermore, it's a lot like closure - sometimes it only makes the one saying it feel better, not the one receiving it. That's what I've thought a lot about over the past few days - at this point, his "secret" doesn't change the past or my feelings for him; it only serves the purpose of making me feel stupid and him look untrustworthy. Maybe some things are just better left not known, you know? And, yes, my naivete is astounding, but it makes me sad to know that trust has to be earned rather than assumed.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Adventure #4: Wedding
Stop laughing! For some of us, going to a wedding is an adventure, but for me, going to a wedding alone is definitely an adventure, and typically not a welcome one.
It's that time of my life - the time of weddings and babies, and sometimes even second weddings and second babies and third babies and...well, you get the picture. Anyway, for reasons I may one day explain in more detail, I typically choose not to attend weddings alone. However, I did go to a very nice ceremony and reception yesterday and I had an incredibly fun time! I danced - by myself! - for hours. I LOVE to dance, in case you've been living under a rock and haven't figured that out yet, and I don't care where I do it or who's watching. I'm sure it's highly entertaining for spectators, but I only dance for myself.
Dancing is an adventure, and whether you like to do it or not; whether you are good at it or not; whether you haven't done it in a long time or went out on the town last night, put on a good song and start dancin'!!
It's that time of my life - the time of weddings and babies, and sometimes even second weddings and second babies and third babies and...well, you get the picture. Anyway, for reasons I may one day explain in more detail, I typically choose not to attend weddings alone. However, I did go to a very nice ceremony and reception yesterday and I had an incredibly fun time! I danced - by myself! - for hours. I LOVE to dance, in case you've been living under a rock and haven't figured that out yet, and I don't care where I do it or who's watching. I'm sure it's highly entertaining for spectators, but I only dance for myself.
Dancing is an adventure, and whether you like to do it or not; whether you are good at it or not; whether you haven't done it in a long time or went out on the town last night, put on a good song and start dancin'!!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Movie Moments
A few posts ago, I talked about how I can tell you my entire life through song. Well, I can also tell you my entire life through what I call movie moments - episodes that for all intents and purposes look like they come directly out of a movie, whether that be a drama, romance, or romantic comedy. I have no doubt that it's a direct output of my mad passion and tendency toward all things dramatic.
Love Walked In is a novel that I read last year while going through the break-up with my ex, and sometimes a book just resonates perfectly with your current life situation and circumstances. That's what this book did for me. It doesn't have the best reviews, but I found it to be full of amazing quotes about the complexities of love and relationships, intimate and otherwise, from the perspective of a woman not unlike me in many ways. Instantly, the first page drew me in with the narrator's fixation on "the way people turn moments in their lives into movie moments."
A few years ago, while with my ex, I met a man who I recently mentioned I consider to be a soulmate. I am personally not naive to the fact that regardless of your current relationship status and/or your love and affection for another, there will inevitably be qualities in someone that crosses your path that you find to be attractive in some way, worthy of thought and consideration. Our movie moment happened on a rooftop, of course. "The story was gorgeous and devastating, and it left me with a choice of two possible interpretations, like two paths."
With the man who keeps me up at night, it's been nothing but oscar-worthy moments of fire and ice. Standing on the back stairs of a hotel, asking me to look at him, to believe him, him wanting to do more, provide more, wanting to give me what I need, but unable to do so. And kissing him, well kissing him is like liquid gold flowing down a mountain of bliss and rapture. I'll leave it at that, because 1) I need to try to keep this blog somewhat pg-rated, and 2) there are those who don't want to hear about the most intimate moments of my life, though I can't imagine why not?! "Maybe love comes in at the eyes, but not nearly as much as it comes in at the ears."
Well, isn't that really what life is all about, the ugly and pretty of it, and all the movie moments in between. "Knowing what you love and why, I found out, is as real as it gets."
Love Walked In is a novel that I read last year while going through the break-up with my ex, and sometimes a book just resonates perfectly with your current life situation and circumstances. That's what this book did for me. It doesn't have the best reviews, but I found it to be full of amazing quotes about the complexities of love and relationships, intimate and otherwise, from the perspective of a woman not unlike me in many ways. Instantly, the first page drew me in with the narrator's fixation on "the way people turn moments in their lives into movie moments."
A few years ago, while with my ex, I met a man who I recently mentioned I consider to be a soulmate. I am personally not naive to the fact that regardless of your current relationship status and/or your love and affection for another, there will inevitably be qualities in someone that crosses your path that you find to be attractive in some way, worthy of thought and consideration. Our movie moment happened on a rooftop, of course. "The story was gorgeous and devastating, and it left me with a choice of two possible interpretations, like two paths."
With the man who keeps me up at night, it's been nothing but oscar-worthy moments of fire and ice. Standing on the back stairs of a hotel, asking me to look at him, to believe him, him wanting to do more, provide more, wanting to give me what I need, but unable to do so. And kissing him, well kissing him is like liquid gold flowing down a mountain of bliss and rapture. I'll leave it at that, because 1) I need to try to keep this blog somewhat pg-rated, and 2) there are those who don't want to hear about the most intimate moments of my life, though I can't imagine why not?! "Maybe love comes in at the eyes, but not nearly as much as it comes in at the ears."
Well, isn't that really what life is all about, the ugly and pretty of it, and all the movie moments in between. "Knowing what you love and why, I found out, is as real as it gets."
Friday, November 11, 2011
Passion for a Reason, Season or Lifetime?
This is an update to my previous post, so if you need to go back and read it first, please do so...now. :)
I am the most emotional person I have ever met. An amazing statement, I know - to be that reflective and insightful upon my own personality flaws, but I know no one that cries as much as I, loves and hurts as much as I, and just in general, feels as much as I. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried...all day today. Ironically, I'm not even sure I completely understand why. There's just a great sadness upon my heart, something to do with the injustice of love not being enough, even when it's requited. Some might say crying is my passion, which sounds quite morbid, but my pain, my love, my hunger are made known and made real through tears of joy and tears of sorrow.
A motivational speaker I recently heard said that passion is many things - it's unspeakable hope; it keeps you up at night; and often it can be unfriendly, and even angry, but without it, we would be unfocused, undriven, and unproductive. It is what fuels our needs, our desires, and our loves.
My love of, for, and with this particular man is PASSIONATE. It's often ugly and full of turmoil and grief, lots of grief and pain, but sometimes, it's so incredibly beautiful and amazingly perfect. I had not seen him in many months, and the external force reflected from our inner thoughts and emotions projected itself across the room the very moment we laid eyes upon one another. As he said, we picked up exactly where we left off, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
The grand decision - whether to meet or not - which was left up to him in the end did not come easily. Once again, I was left begging, pleading for him to stay true to his word. Weeks of excitement, declaration, and innuendo regarding our long overdue visit led to hesitation and questioning, all part of his usual repertoire, and at the final hour, he tried to pull away. The external issues still at play, with new ones added for grandiose effect, he was once again awash in his inability to follow through with his heart's desires.
I won, in the end, but exactly what I won I am still unsure. We spent the first night relishing simply in one another's presence, yet true to my word, no holds were barred when it came to my need for clarity on that which constitutes 'us.' I asked question after question, and received more than satisfactory answers for every provocation and projection issued. The vibrant passion that had enraptured us months earlier overwhelmingly enveloped us, and it was as if a single day had not passed since our last meeting.
The second night, however, brought back the impenetrable wall that had flanked the sides of our relationship previously, and really, what can you do with a wall? My trepidation and insecurities again reared their ugly heads as all of the external forces compounded into his guilt and regret. Difficulties that had lurked behind every corner during our relationship were back, and I was once again not enough to change to world. Why would love never be enough to conquer the world?
Life-altering day? 24 hours later, and I honestly don't know. We both believe our story is still not over, and I want to relish in his hope. No, I want to roll around in it until I'm soaked in it. I want to believe every word he says, regardless of the numerous times his actions do not match, because, well, because I love him with a passion unparalleled, desperate and greedy in its intensity. A love that has been waiting, not-so-patiently, within a woman that always chooses her heart over her head, for better or for worse. So, we're definitely more than a reason, and he says more than a season, so only time will tell wherein the truth lies.
(During my travels, I always compile a song list that reflects the emotions, feelings, and experiences made. For this trip, I dedicate one song: Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.)
I am the most emotional person I have ever met. An amazing statement, I know - to be that reflective and insightful upon my own personality flaws, but I know no one that cries as much as I, loves and hurts as much as I, and just in general, feels as much as I. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried...all day today. Ironically, I'm not even sure I completely understand why. There's just a great sadness upon my heart, something to do with the injustice of love not being enough, even when it's requited. Some might say crying is my passion, which sounds quite morbid, but my pain, my love, my hunger are made known and made real through tears of joy and tears of sorrow.
A motivational speaker I recently heard said that passion is many things - it's unspeakable hope; it keeps you up at night; and often it can be unfriendly, and even angry, but without it, we would be unfocused, undriven, and unproductive. It is what fuels our needs, our desires, and our loves.
My love of, for, and with this particular man is PASSIONATE. It's often ugly and full of turmoil and grief, lots of grief and pain, but sometimes, it's so incredibly beautiful and amazingly perfect. I had not seen him in many months, and the external force reflected from our inner thoughts and emotions projected itself across the room the very moment we laid eyes upon one another. As he said, we picked up exactly where we left off, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
The grand decision - whether to meet or not - which was left up to him in the end did not come easily. Once again, I was left begging, pleading for him to stay true to his word. Weeks of excitement, declaration, and innuendo regarding our long overdue visit led to hesitation and questioning, all part of his usual repertoire, and at the final hour, he tried to pull away. The external issues still at play, with new ones added for grandiose effect, he was once again awash in his inability to follow through with his heart's desires.
I won, in the end, but exactly what I won I am still unsure. We spent the first night relishing simply in one another's presence, yet true to my word, no holds were barred when it came to my need for clarity on that which constitutes 'us.' I asked question after question, and received more than satisfactory answers for every provocation and projection issued. The vibrant passion that had enraptured us months earlier overwhelmingly enveloped us, and it was as if a single day had not passed since our last meeting.
The second night, however, brought back the impenetrable wall that had flanked the sides of our relationship previously, and really, what can you do with a wall? My trepidation and insecurities again reared their ugly heads as all of the external forces compounded into his guilt and regret. Difficulties that had lurked behind every corner during our relationship were back, and I was once again not enough to change to world. Why would love never be enough to conquer the world?
Life-altering day? 24 hours later, and I honestly don't know. We both believe our story is still not over, and I want to relish in his hope. No, I want to roll around in it until I'm soaked in it. I want to believe every word he says, regardless of the numerous times his actions do not match, because, well, because I love him with a passion unparalleled, desperate and greedy in its intensity. A love that has been waiting, not-so-patiently, within a woman that always chooses her heart over her head, for better or for worse. So, we're definitely more than a reason, and he says more than a season, so only time will tell wherein the truth lies.
(During my travels, I always compile a song list that reflects the emotions, feelings, and experiences made. For this trip, I dedicate one song: Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Decisions - Life-Altering or Otherwise
Some decisions are easy to make; others are so difficult that we agonize over them, going through the possibilities in our heads and our hearts over and over again. I may do something tomorrow that a lot of my friends and family think I should not do, but if able, I'm going through with it. I have to...for me. It may not be the right decision, but it's the best decision.
However, sometimes decisions are not only ours to make, and it's now in his hands and in his heart. I have said all that I can say, and the rest is up to him and fate, if you so believe. After tomorrow, I may finally have some clarity and if necessary, the closure that I never wanted but is needed. Or I may still have unanswered questions and unfulfilled emotions. And only later will I know if tomorrow is a life-altering day or just another day.
However, sometimes decisions are not only ours to make, and it's now in his hands and in his heart. I have said all that I can say, and the rest is up to him and fate, if you so believe. After tomorrow, I may finally have some clarity and if necessary, the closure that I never wanted but is needed. Or I may still have unanswered questions and unfulfilled emotions. And only later will I know if tomorrow is a life-altering day or just another day.
Adventure #3: Running
Ok, I must tell you that running is not exactly a new adventure for me. I've been doing it for over 10 years now and started long-distance running about 5 years ago. But it became a new adventure for me this past weekend as I set a new PR! and met someone while doing it that I will never forget. She is middle-aged and it was her first long-distance race. She was officially a race "virgin."
I had all of about 5 minutes to give her my pep talk, and in the end, I think she gave me one instead. About 3 minutes into the conversation, she pulled out an index card. On it were names of people, 1 for every mile. Her plan - at every mile, to pray for that person she had listed. She had her own name for the last mile. Wow! I was truly moved by her selflessness. I don't know if she crossed the finish line, but I prayed for her several times while running and was thankful for having had the opportunity to stand next to her at the start line for those 5 short minutes.
I had all of about 5 minutes to give her my pep talk, and in the end, I think she gave me one instead. About 3 minutes into the conversation, she pulled out an index card. On it were names of people, 1 for every mile. Her plan - at every mile, to pray for that person she had listed. She had her own name for the last mile. Wow! I was truly moved by her selflessness. I don't know if she crossed the finish line, but I prayed for her several times while running and was thankful for having had the opportunity to stand next to her at the start line for those 5 short minutes.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Closure - For Better or For Worse?
Closure. What is it? Why is it important? Why is it more important to some of us than others? For me, it's about finality, being able to move on due to having learned from the past, and having as much information as possible about why something ended the way it did. For me, there are never too many questions or too many answers.
A few months ago, I met a man, and silly me, I got excited about him. Why, you ask? Because he looked good on paper and felt good to touch. LOL Type is of no relevance to me, and I date a wide variety and myriad of men, I'm not ashamed to say. I think it only adds to the complexity that is me.
Well, this man in particular checked off a lot of my boxes...if I actually had boxes to check off! But it wasn't meant to be, I suppose, and in the end, I realized that he only wanted a physical relationship. However, he was never clear about his intentions, which would have been the "adult" thing to do. In all honesty, I didn't know this man well enough to know whether I wanted a relationship beyond friends with him, but I was disappointed in not having the opportunity to find that out.
So a few nights ago, I get a text from him - an apology, no less. What?! I hadn't heard from him in over a month. An apology that late in the game...is it truly for the person you're apologizing to or really just for yourself? For me, the gesture only brought up the bad feelings and hurt that I experienced because of the situation. Perhaps he needed closure? But instead of trying to clarify things, which would have been more understandable to me, it came across as superficial and selfish. And, seriously, was there really anything to "close"? LOL
There are also the relationships and situations where sufficient closure is never gained. Is it more difficult to garner the lessons that must be learned? Does it make it harder to move on, to find peace? To fully disclose, I have some people in my life where I don't want closure. A part of me, I suppose, would like to believe that the hope and possibility of having another chapter(s) with said person still exists...sometimes an end is more of a comma rather than a period.
My advice - be as open and honest as you can with others about your own personal feelings. Understand and appreciate that people have different ways of processing and expressing thoughts and emotions. Care enough about someone to recognize that their needs sometimes must outweigh yours. Be willing to give and accept closure if and when needed.
A few months ago, I met a man, and silly me, I got excited about him. Why, you ask? Because he looked good on paper and felt good to touch. LOL Type is of no relevance to me, and I date a wide variety and myriad of men, I'm not ashamed to say. I think it only adds to the complexity that is me.
Well, this man in particular checked off a lot of my boxes...if I actually had boxes to check off! But it wasn't meant to be, I suppose, and in the end, I realized that he only wanted a physical relationship. However, he was never clear about his intentions, which would have been the "adult" thing to do. In all honesty, I didn't know this man well enough to know whether I wanted a relationship beyond friends with him, but I was disappointed in not having the opportunity to find that out.
So a few nights ago, I get a text from him - an apology, no less. What?! I hadn't heard from him in over a month. An apology that late in the game...is it truly for the person you're apologizing to or really just for yourself? For me, the gesture only brought up the bad feelings and hurt that I experienced because of the situation. Perhaps he needed closure? But instead of trying to clarify things, which would have been more understandable to me, it came across as superficial and selfish. And, seriously, was there really anything to "close"? LOL
There are also the relationships and situations where sufficient closure is never gained. Is it more difficult to garner the lessons that must be learned? Does it make it harder to move on, to find peace? To fully disclose, I have some people in my life where I don't want closure. A part of me, I suppose, would like to believe that the hope and possibility of having another chapter(s) with said person still exists...sometimes an end is more of a comma rather than a period.
My advice - be as open and honest as you can with others about your own personal feelings. Understand and appreciate that people have different ways of processing and expressing thoughts and emotions. Care enough about someone to recognize that their needs sometimes must outweigh yours. Be willing to give and accept closure if and when needed.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Soulmates
Do you believe in soulmates? I most certainly do. However, I don't believe that there is only ONE person in the ENTIRE world that is someone's soulmate. I personally believe that I have and have had several. It's someone that you meet and immediately have an unmistakable connection, something so intense that it's hard to explain in words, but when you're together it just makes perfect sense. I also don't believe that a soulmate is necessarily, though it can be, someone that you have an intimate relationship with. I have even had female soulmates (and yes, I am heterosexual), and I also think that soulmates are like any other relationship - sometimes just for a reason, sometimes a season, and only on rare occasion, for a lifetime.
I met a man through work many years ago now that recently sent me a message. He said that though the years come and go, our short moments together "linger and matter." My response to him was that he was able to sum up something in 2 sentences that would have taken me years to express in the same profound way. Times spent with him are filled with unbelievable laughs, unparalleled conversation, and unwavering simplicity amid the complexities of life and external relationships. Now, that's what I call a soulmate - someone who can erase the troubles of your life, at least for a moment in time anyway.
The truth is that I don't believe it's physically possible for a spouse to encompass everything that you desire and need. It's important to have other relationships in your life to help fill in the gaps and to be understanding of your partner's need to have the same fulfillment in other areas of his/her life. The key is determining what is essential for you to have in a spouse, and that is entirely unique. For example, at one time I thought that it might be possible for me to marry someone that couldn't dance well. It may seem like an entirely minute detail to you, but I've recently discovered that it is absolutely necessary that my significant other not only now how, but be very adept at the dance floor. I can't imagine myself seriously with anyone that doesn't enjoy dancing with me, which brings me to my next soulmate...
Over the summer, I decided to do something I had never done before - travel alone outside the country, and I had the most amazing experience. I chose a country that is native English speaking for my first trip, and I was only gone for an extended weekend. But what I came back with was truly irreplaceable - a more defined sense of purpose, a rekindling of the passion that is innate to my spirit, and a soulmate.
My Caribbean friend - well, we met on the dance floor, kind of. LOL He's certainly not the first man I've met while dancing, nor will he be the last. We spent all of 8 hours together maybe, but it was (and wasn't) enough for a lifetime. Sometimes you can have a connection with someone from across the room and be pulled in that direction for unexplainable reasons, and sometimes you simply sit down next to him/her because it's the last available seat in the room. Regardless of the reason, you are changed in drastic ways forever. And isn't that what life is all about?!
I met a man through work many years ago now that recently sent me a message. He said that though the years come and go, our short moments together "linger and matter." My response to him was that he was able to sum up something in 2 sentences that would have taken me years to express in the same profound way. Times spent with him are filled with unbelievable laughs, unparalleled conversation, and unwavering simplicity amid the complexities of life and external relationships. Now, that's what I call a soulmate - someone who can erase the troubles of your life, at least for a moment in time anyway.
The truth is that I don't believe it's physically possible for a spouse to encompass everything that you desire and need. It's important to have other relationships in your life to help fill in the gaps and to be understanding of your partner's need to have the same fulfillment in other areas of his/her life. The key is determining what is essential for you to have in a spouse, and that is entirely unique. For example, at one time I thought that it might be possible for me to marry someone that couldn't dance well. It may seem like an entirely minute detail to you, but I've recently discovered that it is absolutely necessary that my significant other not only now how, but be very adept at the dance floor. I can't imagine myself seriously with anyone that doesn't enjoy dancing with me, which brings me to my next soulmate...
Over the summer, I decided to do something I had never done before - travel alone outside the country, and I had the most amazing experience. I chose a country that is native English speaking for my first trip, and I was only gone for an extended weekend. But what I came back with was truly irreplaceable - a more defined sense of purpose, a rekindling of the passion that is innate to my spirit, and a soulmate.
My Caribbean friend - well, we met on the dance floor, kind of. LOL He's certainly not the first man I've met while dancing, nor will he be the last. We spent all of 8 hours together maybe, but it was (and wasn't) enough for a lifetime. Sometimes you can have a connection with someone from across the room and be pulled in that direction for unexplainable reasons, and sometimes you simply sit down next to him/her because it's the last available seat in the room. Regardless of the reason, you are changed in drastic ways forever. And isn't that what life is all about?!
Background and "Qualifications"
You might be wondering why I decided to start this public blog, and what exactly do I have to say about anything? Probably nothing, but maybe I'll have some fun while doing it and even possibly get a few laughs from you at the same time. :)
I am a 30+ single woman who, believe it or not, is not devastated that I'm still single and without child, and yes, I did indeed have a friend of a friend say that to me recently. I chose not to marry probably the most amazing man I will ever meet because I knew he was not the man for me and I not the woman for him. A year later I've decided to share my story with...well, the world!
Growing up in the South, I lived on 3 principles: 1) College is not for obtaining your B.S. or any other nonsense, but rather your MRS. 2) If you're not married by 25, you're a spinster. Yeah, not much has changed since the days of Scarlett O'Hara. and 3) Life is not complete until you're a mother. Well, I'm not so sold that life has to stop if you only have 1, 2, or none of the above. In actuality, I can't tell you how many people say to me, on at least a weekly basis, that they live vicariously through me, wishing they could jump on a plane on a random weekend and head to the Caribbean, meet friends up at 10pm at night for a drink or two, or take a nap on the weekend whenever the fancy strikes.
Of course, some say that I'm just bitter and trying to justify my singledom. As with most things, there are two sides to every story. Of the few things I know in the world, I do know that I want to get married...one day. I have many friends with terrific marriages, and I hope to join that group at some point. However, I also know that I'm not going to spend my life at the present moment agonizing over not having a boyfriend or husband. Want to join me?
I am a 30+ single woman who, believe it or not, is not devastated that I'm still single and without child, and yes, I did indeed have a friend of a friend say that to me recently. I chose not to marry probably the most amazing man I will ever meet because I knew he was not the man for me and I not the woman for him. A year later I've decided to share my story with...well, the world!
Growing up in the South, I lived on 3 principles: 1) College is not for obtaining your B.S. or any other nonsense, but rather your MRS. 2) If you're not married by 25, you're a spinster. Yeah, not much has changed since the days of Scarlett O'Hara. and 3) Life is not complete until you're a mother. Well, I'm not so sold that life has to stop if you only have 1, 2, or none of the above. In actuality, I can't tell you how many people say to me, on at least a weekly basis, that they live vicariously through me, wishing they could jump on a plane on a random weekend and head to the Caribbean, meet friends up at 10pm at night for a drink or two, or take a nap on the weekend whenever the fancy strikes.
Of course, some say that I'm just bitter and trying to justify my singledom. As with most things, there are two sides to every story. Of the few things I know in the world, I do know that I want to get married...one day. I have many friends with terrific marriages, and I hope to join that group at some point. However, I also know that I'm not going to spend my life at the present moment agonizing over not having a boyfriend or husband. Want to join me?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Say What You Need to Say
I can tell you my entire life story through song...seriously. In high school, it was Meatloaf - unparalleled idealism performed in comedic fashion and over-the-top drama. In college, I was in LOVE with Sarah McLachlan - forlorn, melancholy, heart-wrenching loss of love, etc., etc. Picture it, don't you?
John Mayer's Say What You Need to Say is always a powerful one for me. Typically, it's a reminder to tell your loved ones how you feel because you never know when you may no longer get the opportunity, but recently it's taken on a new connotation for me. I've often held back because, well I'm Southern, and we just don't do that. But just today I was reading my Southern Living magazine (I'm not sure why I have a subscription as I don't garden, home decorate, or cook AT ALL, but I'm hoping it has something to do with the food and travel articles??) and there was an interview with the country music singer Miranda Lambert. The writer asked her "What makes a Southern girl?" and her response was "She is sweet and hospitable but also confident and strong. A Southern girl isn't a pushover and will kick your $%! if needed." Precisely! So, with that in mind, I've recently changed my strategy in some situations.
One prime example is the break-up with my good friend. I had allowed many situations and discussions to go unfettered with little to no response from yours truly, but my new attitude is that no one is going to take care of me but me and I deserve to have my side heard as well. Now, in no way does that mean that I think it's ok to be intentionally hurtful or callous; I'm just no longer going to be sweet and unassuming to the point that I am being bullied, you know? I still think there is a time and a place for everything, and at no point is it ok to "air dirty laundry in public" or other such nonsense. I also think jumping on every battle is going to lose the war, but continuously letting sleeping dogs lie only serves to fuel the flame. Ok, enough with the colloquialisms...you get the picture.
I also had another situation spring up this morning. I dated a man this past year, and he was everything that my ex was not, some good and some not so good. For every intensely passionate moment shared, there was probably an equally passionate moment of anger and hurt that I rarely chose to share with him. Why? Well, a lot of reasons - I loved him in a way different from any other man, I knew he had a difficult life, and I wanted to be the one thing in his life that wasn't filled with pain and turmoil. But in that scenario, there is no one taking care of me. My needs, my feelings, my desires more often than not went unfulfilled and even unacknowledged. It's been 6 months since we were together, and all of that emotion bubbled over today. I've never felt more...light. Perhaps it was harsh. Perhaps it was too much, but it was time that he knew at least a bit of what I felt for months. I don't know if our story is over, but for the moment, I am closer to peace.
With my Caribbean friend, the song takes on yet another meaning for me. I'll go into the details of our story in another blog one day, but for now, suffice it to say that meeting him has even more encouraged me to not hold back my feelings for someone, to not be afraid to love or share that with its intended, because all they can do is not love you back, right? And though that hurts, hurts like hell sometimes, wouldn't it be worse to never know that they really loved you back?
Finally, the song's implicated meaning in my opinion - my father passed away in 2003. We were not close as adults, and for all intents and purposes, I hated him. Yet, there are things now that I do wish I had had the courage to say to him, the understanding to recognize his weaknesses, and the ability to distinguish that from my hate toward him.
So, perhaps sometimes it may very well be better to say too much than to not say anything at all...
John Mayer's Say What You Need to Say is always a powerful one for me. Typically, it's a reminder to tell your loved ones how you feel because you never know when you may no longer get the opportunity, but recently it's taken on a new connotation for me. I've often held back because, well I'm Southern, and we just don't do that. But just today I was reading my Southern Living magazine (I'm not sure why I have a subscription as I don't garden, home decorate, or cook AT ALL, but I'm hoping it has something to do with the food and travel articles??) and there was an interview with the country music singer Miranda Lambert. The writer asked her "What makes a Southern girl?" and her response was "She is sweet and hospitable but also confident and strong. A Southern girl isn't a pushover and will kick your $%! if needed." Precisely! So, with that in mind, I've recently changed my strategy in some situations.
One prime example is the break-up with my good friend. I had allowed many situations and discussions to go unfettered with little to no response from yours truly, but my new attitude is that no one is going to take care of me but me and I deserve to have my side heard as well. Now, in no way does that mean that I think it's ok to be intentionally hurtful or callous; I'm just no longer going to be sweet and unassuming to the point that I am being bullied, you know? I still think there is a time and a place for everything, and at no point is it ok to "air dirty laundry in public" or other such nonsense. I also think jumping on every battle is going to lose the war, but continuously letting sleeping dogs lie only serves to fuel the flame. Ok, enough with the colloquialisms...you get the picture.
I also had another situation spring up this morning. I dated a man this past year, and he was everything that my ex was not, some good and some not so good. For every intensely passionate moment shared, there was probably an equally passionate moment of anger and hurt that I rarely chose to share with him. Why? Well, a lot of reasons - I loved him in a way different from any other man, I knew he had a difficult life, and I wanted to be the one thing in his life that wasn't filled with pain and turmoil. But in that scenario, there is no one taking care of me. My needs, my feelings, my desires more often than not went unfulfilled and even unacknowledged. It's been 6 months since we were together, and all of that emotion bubbled over today. I've never felt more...light. Perhaps it was harsh. Perhaps it was too much, but it was time that he knew at least a bit of what I felt for months. I don't know if our story is over, but for the moment, I am closer to peace.
With my Caribbean friend, the song takes on yet another meaning for me. I'll go into the details of our story in another blog one day, but for now, suffice it to say that meeting him has even more encouraged me to not hold back my feelings for someone, to not be afraid to love or share that with its intended, because all they can do is not love you back, right? And though that hurts, hurts like hell sometimes, wouldn't it be worse to never know that they really loved you back?
Finally, the song's implicated meaning in my opinion - my father passed away in 2003. We were not close as adults, and for all intents and purposes, I hated him. Yet, there are things now that I do wish I had had the courage to say to him, the understanding to recognize his weaknesses, and the ability to distinguish that from my hate toward him.
So, perhaps sometimes it may very well be better to say too much than to not say anything at all...
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Adventure #2: Murder Mystery Dinner Theater
Decided to try another new activity that I've wanted to explore for years - Murder Mystery Dinner Theater. Wow! This turned out to be such a blast. Never mind I was the only person there without a friend or two, I still managed to have a frightfully good time, and once again was reminded that a partner is not required in order to have fun!
The setting: Homey Italian Restaurant near a major university
The players: 4 middle-aged female friends, 1 with her mother, and 1 with her male companion; 2 20-something couples dressed to the nines; and me!
The theme: Prohibition-era Chicago, mafia-esque
As this was my first experience with dinner theater, I was unsure of the "rules" of the game, but it quickly became apparent that 1) I could make up really anything I wanted to about my character, 2) I didn't know everything about my character at the same time that others did, and 3) staying "in character" is a true testament of acting talent, of which I have none. Nonetheless, lots of laugh ensued, and I'm excited about my next adventure to come. Any suggestions?
The setting: Homey Italian Restaurant near a major university
The players: 4 middle-aged female friends, 1 with her mother, and 1 with her male companion; 2 20-something couples dressed to the nines; and me!
The theme: Prohibition-era Chicago, mafia-esque
As this was my first experience with dinner theater, I was unsure of the "rules" of the game, but it quickly became apparent that 1) I could make up really anything I wanted to about my character, 2) I didn't know everything about my character at the same time that others did, and 3) staying "in character" is a true testament of acting talent, of which I have none. Nonetheless, lots of laugh ensued, and I'm excited about my next adventure to come. Any suggestions?
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
I had a hit to the stomach yesterday. I am currently single, but I obviously haven't always been so. I was in a wonderful relationship with a terrific man for over 4 years. He truly is the most compassionate, attentive, and supportive partner I've ever had, but for us, there was still something missing. It was a very difficult, but necessary, ending.
As life goes on, I was informed by a mutual friend that he has a girlfriend, and apparently a pretty serious one. My genuine thought is that I'm happy for him. Nevertheless, I'm human, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of "what's wrong with me?" It's a recurring theme for my life, and though I often remember how smart, funny, and moderately attractive I am, sometimes I'm still overwhelmed with a sense of grief - grief over the end of such a wonderful time in my life, grief over not having someone to share my days with, and grief over being so easily "replaceable." I know it's not quite so simple in my head, but my heart is a difficult force to reckon with.
So, why do bad things happen to good people? [What are good people anyway? Maybe that'll be another blog...] Why do some people seem to have all the "luck" and others have difficulty with the most mundane of situations? Some say that there are no "bad" things that happen, just lessons that must be learned. A friend is always telling me that life is just meant to be lived, whatever may be will be, and there's no good in worrying about it or trying to rationalize it. (This friend also lives on an island in the Caribbean, where his days and nights are filled with sand, blue water, and the most amazing of sea breezes. More about him is sure to come...) Why do some people find their "soulmate," which will surely be yet another blog topic, early in life and others of us are constantly looking under every nook and cranny? (Ok, truly, that sounds WAY desperate than I really am...seriously.) You understand the sentiment, though, right?
So, for now, I am again looking for the incline out of the valley onto another mountain, and trying desperately to remember that all the growth and maturation occur during the difficult times and "this too shall pass."
As life goes on, I was informed by a mutual friend that he has a girlfriend, and apparently a pretty serious one. My genuine thought is that I'm happy for him. Nevertheless, I'm human, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of "what's wrong with me?" It's a recurring theme for my life, and though I often remember how smart, funny, and moderately attractive I am, sometimes I'm still overwhelmed with a sense of grief - grief over the end of such a wonderful time in my life, grief over not having someone to share my days with, and grief over being so easily "replaceable." I know it's not quite so simple in my head, but my heart is a difficult force to reckon with.
So, why do bad things happen to good people? [What are good people anyway? Maybe that'll be another blog...] Why do some people seem to have all the "luck" and others have difficulty with the most mundane of situations? Some say that there are no "bad" things that happen, just lessons that must be learned. A friend is always telling me that life is just meant to be lived, whatever may be will be, and there's no good in worrying about it or trying to rationalize it. (This friend also lives on an island in the Caribbean, where his days and nights are filled with sand, blue water, and the most amazing of sea breezes. More about him is sure to come...) Why do some people find their "soulmate," which will surely be yet another blog topic, early in life and others of us are constantly looking under every nook and cranny? (Ok, truly, that sounds WAY desperate than I really am...seriously.) You understand the sentiment, though, right?
So, for now, I am again looking for the incline out of the valley onto another mountain, and trying desperately to remember that all the growth and maturation occur during the difficult times and "this too shall pass."
Monday, October 24, 2011
Evolving Friendships
Today's topic is about something that, in my opinion, sometimes affects single women more than married women. Feel free to disagree, but because we are not intimately involved with someone, we often tend to spend more time with our female compatriots, thereby creating more complex relationships. Things that married women rely on their husbands for is often fulfilled by close friends for singles. This sometimes becomes problematic...
The context of this post is in reference to the recent deterioration of a very close personal friendship, and ultimately, the "break up" of the relationship. Like intimate relationships, sometimes actions, situations, and life changes necessitate the need for a "break up." At my age, I know myself well enough to know that 1) I have very high expectations for behavior, 2) I require finality, and 3) whether I like it or not, everyone doesn't like me nor do they have to. I have been called unforgiving on more than one occasion, but I would beg to differ that it's not unforgiving when you have forgiven the same action or situation time and time again in the past and simply don't want to do it anymore. Also, in my world, some things are simply unforgivable, and perhaps more importantly, so drastically change your view of that person that your friendship can never be the same.
Interestingly, Alexis Stewart, the daughter of Martha Stewart, was talking about this very thing on the Today Show this morning. The media has painted her as icy and cold, and her interactions with her former friend and the co-author of her book as uncomfortable. Perhaps my alternate perspective comes from simply identifying with her. Just some food for thought - would you stay with a boyfriend/husband who did not treat you as you wished to be treated? If the answer is no, why would you treat a "friend" differently? I think people change and relationships change. Both women were professional and cordial in the interview; what else does there need to be?
The context of this post is in reference to the recent deterioration of a very close personal friendship, and ultimately, the "break up" of the relationship. Like intimate relationships, sometimes actions, situations, and life changes necessitate the need for a "break up." At my age, I know myself well enough to know that 1) I have very high expectations for behavior, 2) I require finality, and 3) whether I like it or not, everyone doesn't like me nor do they have to. I have been called unforgiving on more than one occasion, but I would beg to differ that it's not unforgiving when you have forgiven the same action or situation time and time again in the past and simply don't want to do it anymore. Also, in my world, some things are simply unforgivable, and perhaps more importantly, so drastically change your view of that person that your friendship can never be the same.
Interestingly, Alexis Stewart, the daughter of Martha Stewart, was talking about this very thing on the Today Show this morning. The media has painted her as icy and cold, and her interactions with her former friend and the co-author of her book as uncomfortable. Perhaps my alternate perspective comes from simply identifying with her. Just some food for thought - would you stay with a boyfriend/husband who did not treat you as you wished to be treated? If the answer is no, why would you treat a "friend" differently? I think people change and relationships change. Both women were professional and cordial in the interview; what else does there need to be?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Adventure #1: Wakeboarding
My first adventure for this new project was joining a friend for the exciting sport of wakeboarding. Now, I must admit that this was actually my second crack at it, and much like the first, I had no problem getting up and staying up, just can't seem to steer or make turns at all! LOL The highlight of the day, though, was watching my friend during her first wakeboarding experience. Some of us are gifted in the arts, some of us are gifted in communication, but my friend is gifted in all things sport. She's a natural athlete with a killer body, and she has yet to meet an activity that she couldn't conquer. It's rather intimidating, if I'm honest, but she's such a kind heart that you can't hate her for it. Check for accomplishing "new" adventure #1.
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