Quite awhile back, I wrote about shiny, new toys, and in particular, how exciting and rejuvenating a new relationship is in the beginning. But then when the shine wears off, why does the relationship also lose its luster? The obvious answer is that relationships not built on truths, substance, and care will have no where else to go but down. However, how can that possibly be the answer for every new interest I have?
Another blogger I follow posted a wonderful blog today about Shoots and Ladders. In the post, she talks about the similarities life has to the game - some ups, some downs, some people lead, some people follow, some people win, some people lose. But what is it that makes this so? Why are there more "shoots" than "ladders" for some of us? Now, I have very little in my life to complain about, and truthfully, despite my comments to the contrary, I typically very much enjoy my single life. But I have often wondered - why is that I am so incredibly unlucky in love?
As you've probably garnered, I have met a new potential interest. He's a dancer, of course, but he's also witty, charming, and intriguing. For the past 24 hours, we've done nothing but message one another about anything and everything under the sun. It's exhilarating and intoxicating, and I pray that this time I can keep his interest for more than a fortnight...
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Update: Guilt Trip and the Green-Eyed Monster
It's the guilt that will eat you alive, the guilt over having done a bad, bad thing. But was it really oh so bad? No, probably not. It's more of a frustration with myself for having been unable to make a different decision, a better one less significant as simply a different one. And unless other life changes occur in grandiose ways, I will probably continue this pattern of less than stellar decision-making. Yes, it is undeniable weakness, but it is also sheer boredom and a simple inability to believe someone is not good at the core.
I am jealous. It makes me sick to say, but if blogging isn't for the truth, then what is? I have so many close friends that have recently met worthy significant others, and I am genuinely happy for them. (Please, I'm not so heartless - you know me better than that!) But the jealousy remains. Why? Because I want the same for myself. I want someone to spend time with, do things of common interest with, just be with. I am ready for a boyfriend, not someone to play with, not someone to see occasionally, but someone who puts me first and thinks of me constantly. I am tired of the schmuck in my life, and especially tired of the monotonous vultures.
And, yes, I do feel in many ways that I am being left behind. Being a third or fifth wheel has its time and place, many times an extremely welcomed one, but in the other times and in the other places, I look at the couples in my life and sigh with regret.
My Caribbean boyfriend's birthday is in a few days, and I know my well wishes will receive no response. Yet, I will still send my message, because, well, I love him. What else can I do?
I am jealous. It makes me sick to say, but if blogging isn't for the truth, then what is? I have so many close friends that have recently met worthy significant others, and I am genuinely happy for them. (Please, I'm not so heartless - you know me better than that!) But the jealousy remains. Why? Because I want the same for myself. I want someone to spend time with, do things of common interest with, just be with. I am ready for a boyfriend, not someone to play with, not someone to see occasionally, but someone who puts me first and thinks of me constantly. I am tired of the schmuck in my life, and especially tired of the monotonous vultures.
And, yes, I do feel in many ways that I am being left behind. Being a third or fifth wheel has its time and place, many times an extremely welcomed one, but in the other times and in the other places, I look at the couples in my life and sigh with regret.
My Caribbean boyfriend's birthday is in a few days, and I know my well wishes will receive no response. Yet, I will still send my message, because, well, I love him. What else can I do?
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A Bad, Bad Thing
I did a bad, bad thing. Does it really matter what it was? Anyone who knew would say it was the wrong thing to do...but I did it anyway.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Signs: Butterflies and Rainbows
When I was in college, I babysat for a family that quickly became my own as I was away at school. The children are, of course, almost grown now, but I look back on those mornings with my boys with such fondness. Even then, I so desperately wanted to meet the "man of my dreams," and the mother would often tell me about her belief in signs. For her, it was rainbows. She had tremendous difficulty getting pregnant with her second son, and on the way back from a doctor, she saw a rainbow. At that moment, she knew that everything was going to be ok, and sure enough, she soon became pregnant.
A former employee of mine lost a very dear friend in a horrific shooting. This friend had a love for butterflies, and at her funeral, a flurry of butterflies miraculously appeared. My employee felt it was a sign that her friend was still with her, despite her body no longer being on this earth.
What's your sign? Your indication that everything is going to be alright, better than alright. I can't help but want deep down in my soul for that rainbow I saw on my Caribbean island to be more than just a rainbow. But as my mom says, "We never know what tomorrow brings for we weren't made to know the future." So, I suppose I will just have to wait and see...
A former employee of mine lost a very dear friend in a horrific shooting. This friend had a love for butterflies, and at her funeral, a flurry of butterflies miraculously appeared. My employee felt it was a sign that her friend was still with her, despite her body no longer being on this earth.
What's your sign? Your indication that everything is going to be alright, better than alright. I can't help but want deep down in my soul for that rainbow I saw on my Caribbean island to be more than just a rainbow. But as my mom says, "We never know what tomorrow brings for we weren't made to know the future." So, I suppose I will just have to wait and see...
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sugar Plum Fairies
Wow! I read a "random thought" today from a colleague and was truly inspired. He probably had me at "dancing," but I felt it so poignant for what I want my life to look like, so in touch with what I desire to experience, so passionate in its attention to seeking the truth, that I couldn't help but share pieces of his soliloquy:
I feel like an aging star that's going out like a bright supernova. I'd exploding with ideas, thoughts, feelings. They're dancing on the stages of my mind and soul like Tchaikovsky's dancing sugar plum fairies. They're pirouetting, leaping, arabesque-ing, batterie-ing, pointe-ing almost uncontrollably from my head and heart, down my arms, and into making my fingers do their own ballet steps on the keyboard.
At a glance, the paper seemed simple enough. Just a blank sheet. Then, I stopped merely looking and began to see, to see deeply, so deeply I felt I was an electron microscope. And, guess what I saw. I saw trees. I saw sun. I saw soil. I saw rain. I saw seeds. I saw nutrients. I saw growth. I saw miracles of life. I saw all that made up the previous life of that piece paper. I saw fibers. I saw invention. I saw imagination. I saw ingenuity. I saw creativity. I saw civilization. I saw process. I saw progress. I saw all that made up the human capacity and potential.
I saw what seemed so simple only when I just looked was truly complex and even mysterious when I intensely saw. I read somewhere something someone said that stuck with me: "He who looks outside, dreams; he who looks inside, awakens." Ain't that the truth. And, I will attest without any reservation, hesitation, or equivocation that when you see...through the prisms of unconditional faith, belief, hope, and love, that [person] will enter your heart, awaken your heart, and stir your soul. So, I wonder what is it that we can discover if we stop just looking and begin to see, to see deeply, to see ourselves, to see others? What if we stopped being content to merely gaze at images on a screen? What if we were no longer satisfied being spectators in an arena? What if we started looking other people in the eye, not just through a camera lens? If we participated in, engaged in, experienced and lived first hand, touched and felt, saw and listened to, were fully involved, and lived the details, we see...a place of unseen potential, a place of possibilities, a place where we should keep open our options.
Understand that true faith, belief, hope, and love, that the acts of true empathy, sympathy, and compassion, occur only when we are aware of, attentive to, mindful of, caring about, and knowing--really knowing--who that person...with you is...Someone once said that the real measure of how you live is the extent to which your presence and absence both mean something significant. How true. How true.
-Louis Schmier
I feel like an aging star that's going out like a bright supernova. I'd exploding with ideas, thoughts, feelings. They're dancing on the stages of my mind and soul like Tchaikovsky's dancing sugar plum fairies. They're pirouetting, leaping, arabesque-ing, batterie-ing, pointe-ing almost uncontrollably from my head and heart, down my arms, and into making my fingers do their own ballet steps on the keyboard.
At a glance, the paper seemed simple enough. Just a blank sheet. Then, I stopped merely looking and began to see, to see deeply, so deeply I felt I was an electron microscope. And, guess what I saw. I saw trees. I saw sun. I saw soil. I saw rain. I saw seeds. I saw nutrients. I saw growth. I saw miracles of life. I saw all that made up the previous life of that piece paper. I saw fibers. I saw invention. I saw imagination. I saw ingenuity. I saw creativity. I saw civilization. I saw process. I saw progress. I saw all that made up the human capacity and potential.
I saw what seemed so simple only when I just looked was truly complex and even mysterious when I intensely saw. I read somewhere something someone said that stuck with me: "He who looks outside, dreams; he who looks inside, awakens." Ain't that the truth. And, I will attest without any reservation, hesitation, or equivocation that when you see...through the prisms of unconditional faith, belief, hope, and love, that [person] will enter your heart, awaken your heart, and stir your soul. So, I wonder what is it that we can discover if we stop just looking and begin to see, to see deeply, to see ourselves, to see others? What if we stopped being content to merely gaze at images on a screen? What if we were no longer satisfied being spectators in an arena? What if we started looking other people in the eye, not just through a camera lens? If we participated in, engaged in, experienced and lived first hand, touched and felt, saw and listened to, were fully involved, and lived the details, we see...a place of unseen potential, a place of possibilities, a place where we should keep open our options.
Understand that true faith, belief, hope, and love, that the acts of true empathy, sympathy, and compassion, occur only when we are aware of, attentive to, mindful of, caring about, and knowing--really knowing--who that person...with you is...Someone once said that the real measure of how you live is the extent to which your presence and absence both mean something significant. How true. How true.
-Louis Schmier
Friday, November 16, 2012
Mom
If I have failed to mention previously, my mom is my best friend in all the world (and the only person who ever reads my blogs). She is the most patient, kind, and selfless person I have ever met. Truly, there is no other mother like her. Her daughters call her at the most inopportune times to cry about stupid boys, yell about idiotic drivers, or whine about chauvinist bosses, yet she NEVER tires of listening to their hurt, anger, and pain. She is also the biggest cheerleader when we call with good news of work opportunities, first dates, or new shoes.
I wish I could be half the person my mother is...but I am not. I am selfish and self-centered. I am consumed with my own problems, issues, and concerns, above and beyond those of others. But I hope that she knows what she means to me. I hope that she knows what an amazing impact she has made on my life. I hope that she knows I am eternally grateful for her truly unconditional love and support. And I hope that she is proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
And at the end of her time on this earth, I hope she can look back and know she did everything right when it came to me and my sister...because she really did.
Top of the World by the Dixie Chicks
I wish I could be half the person my mother is...but I am not. I am selfish and self-centered. I am consumed with my own problems, issues, and concerns, above and beyond those of others. But I hope that she knows what she means to me. I hope that she knows what an amazing impact she has made on my life. I hope that she knows I am eternally grateful for her truly unconditional love and support. And I hope that she is proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
And at the end of her time on this earth, I hope she can look back and know she did everything right when it came to me and my sister...because she really did.
Top of the World by the Dixie Chicks
Hopeless Romantic (Dominoes)
A familiar, colloquial phrase: hopeless romantic. But what exactly is so hopeless about it? Shouldn't it be hopeful romantic instead? I mean aren't most "hopeless romantics" always longing, always hoping for that one person who fulfills their every desire, their every whim? So, why did it become hopeless? If unconditional love and care is what we seek, shouldn't we all be hopeful that we will find someone who can fulfill those needs and desires? And if we have found our significant other for all-time, shouldn't we continue to find ways to fill those spaces in-between, where our love may not exactly meet head-on?
Some, perhaps many, would consider me a hopeless romantic, but I would prefer to be remembered as a hopeful romantic at the end of my days, always hoping for more, always hoping for better.
The Twilight saga is an international phenomenon, a modern-day romance with the premise being two men in love with the same woman. Seems like the perfect scenario, right? Wrong. It's impossible for all three to walk away unscathed; one is always fundamentally hurt and unenamored, pun intended. But, as movies and other works of fiction go, all three wind up happily ever after and forevermore in the end. The heroine not only gets the love of a lifetime, but a man to fill in all of the gaps, too. Back to reality, and I am not "hopeless" enough to believe that this could be my future life. Yet, I want more; I want better.
It's often ironic how you can look back at a sequence of events and see perfectly how one comment, one action, triggered the others, just like a set of dominoes, and it all makes perfect sense. Over two years ago, my ex and I chose different paths, but unlike the fairytale, I did not get to keep my best friend. Yet, I am complete in the realization still that, though vastly difficult and not wholly without its errors in judgment, I made the best decision and am still awaiting my Edward.
Some, perhaps many, would consider me a hopeless romantic, but I would prefer to be remembered as a hopeful romantic at the end of my days, always hoping for more, always hoping for better.
The Twilight saga is an international phenomenon, a modern-day romance with the premise being two men in love with the same woman. Seems like the perfect scenario, right? Wrong. It's impossible for all three to walk away unscathed; one is always fundamentally hurt and unenamored, pun intended. But, as movies and other works of fiction go, all three wind up happily ever after and forevermore in the end. The heroine not only gets the love of a lifetime, but a man to fill in all of the gaps, too. Back to reality, and I am not "hopeless" enough to believe that this could be my future life. Yet, I want more; I want better.
It's often ironic how you can look back at a sequence of events and see perfectly how one comment, one action, triggered the others, just like a set of dominoes, and it all makes perfect sense. Over two years ago, my ex and I chose different paths, but unlike the fairytale, I did not get to keep my best friend. Yet, I am complete in the realization still that, though vastly difficult and not wholly without its errors in judgment, I made the best decision and am still awaiting my Edward.
The Spanish Inquisition
As you can obviously tell, I am extremely inquisitive. My posts are often riddled with tons of questions, largely unanswered and perhaps even unanswerable to large degree. But when did the human race become so afraid of finding the answers? I often say that there are some things, many things, that should be left unknown, but what happened to exploration, analysis, and scrutiny? When did knowing too much become a bad thing?
My Caribbean boyfriend even finally admitted that I ask too many questions, seek too many answers, and it hurt. I long for the day when someone not only acknowledges my curiosity but embraces it and keeps it safe, almost like a patient parent with a 3-year-old constantly asking why the sky is blue, why bark is both for dogs and trees, and why daddy doesn't come home at night.
Having a desire to know more is inherent to who I am, and being able to appreciate that is central to loving me. Period.
My Caribbean boyfriend even finally admitted that I ask too many questions, seek too many answers, and it hurt. I long for the day when someone not only acknowledges my curiosity but embraces it and keeps it safe, almost like a patient parent with a 3-year-old constantly asking why the sky is blue, why bark is both for dogs and trees, and why daddy doesn't come home at night.
Having a desire to know more is inherent to who I am, and being able to appreciate that is central to loving me. Period.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Update: Dear John
West Coast, the author of the love letter, has officially broken away and fallen into the ocean - just like I knew he would, just like I said he would. Instead of hurt and pain, this Dear John letter only caused mild anger and indifference. And unlike my former self, instead of holding on, I completely let him go, foregoing any chance at a friendship or otherwise. Frankly, I just don't care enough. As far as I am concerned, she can keep him. He never was you know who anyway...
Monday, November 12, 2012
Fleeting
Fleeting thoughts. Fleeting feelings. Why must everything, well, flee? Why is it so impossible to hang onto that particular thought, that undeniable feeling, that inexplicable joy? Why must it be all so transient? Is it because we are human and that is the way of the world? Is it because we don't put enough effort into hanging onto that which we seek so desperately, that once we have found it, it is no longer of importance or relevance?
I have a wide array of musical preferences, as I am sure you have noticed. Sometimes I find one that not only resonates with me on an emotional level but also has a remarkable video. This song's video has some of the most talented choreography and dancers I have ever seen. It is exquisitely pieced together, and the story is one in which I think we can all relate.
Valtari by Sigur Ros, a band out of a country, another island of course, I long to visit: Iceland
I have a wide array of musical preferences, as I am sure you have noticed. Sometimes I find one that not only resonates with me on an emotional level but also has a remarkable video. This song's video has some of the most talented choreography and dancers I have ever seen. It is exquisitely pieced together, and the story is one in which I think we can all relate.
Valtari by Sigur Ros, a band out of a country, another island of course, I long to visit: Iceland
Destined for Fate
Destiny. What is it? Does it truly exist or is it simply a conceptualized construct designed to make sense of a chaotic world? Does it help to have the illusion of the tapestry I've spoken of previously?
But what of choice or free will? Is it possible to have both, to even dream of both? The ability to make decisions within the safety net of fate.
Making a single seemingly insignificant decision can change the course of your life path forever, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Have you ever looked back on an event, a situation, a diversion and wished you had walked a different path, chosen a new route? Was it simply happenstance, or were their puppeteer hands at play?
And why are we, or at least some of us, so obsessed with knowing all the answers??
But what of choice or free will? Is it possible to have both, to even dream of both? The ability to make decisions within the safety net of fate.
Making a single seemingly insignificant decision can change the course of your life path forever, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. Have you ever looked back on an event, a situation, a diversion and wished you had walked a different path, chosen a new route? Was it simply happenstance, or were their puppeteer hands at play?
And why are we, or at least some of us, so obsessed with knowing all the answers??
Agony
Agony. I don't know what else to call it. I was literally in the middle of a meeting today, and I was, for some truly inexplicable reason, taken right back to my Caribbean island with my Caribbean beau. And it hurt. I mean really hurt. I felt as though my heart was being ripped right out of my chest. It hurts more now than a month ago. It is loss, true loss. He might as well have died, and in some ways this is worse, because I know that he is still somewhere, out there, under the same moon. And I want nothing more than to have his love for me back.
Yes, West Coast is many wonderful things, and getting to know him is fun and exciting. I like his emotion, his sense of need, and the way he kisses me. I like the attention, the desire, the passion, but how do I get my soul back?
Yes, West Coast is many wonderful things, and getting to know him is fun and exciting. I like his emotion, his sense of need, and the way he kisses me. I like the attention, the desire, the passion, but how do I get my soul back?
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Love Letter
Have you ever received a love letter? A real one? One where he confesses his love to you and for you, unconditionally and with reckless abandon. Well, neither have I...but I received something close. And then a few days later, flowers to boot.
And I cried. Shocker, I know. But it was moving in a way that I have not experienced in such a long time, not since my Caribbean boyfriend, when we were good. But, it is not without its own issues...for I am once again the other woman.
Like so many before, I met this man on a passionate weekend in a faraway city. These gestures are genuine and endearing, and I love him for his candor and expression. But they aren't yet the grand gesture...the moment where he hops on a plane and knocks on my door. But that only exists in the movies, right? So, for now, I am keeping a slight distance, something that is very difficult for my "head-in-first" attitude, but nonetheless necessary. Because the movies have also taught me that they never leave the comfort and consistency of that which they know, even if its not the true happiness that they seek.
And I cried. Shocker, I know. But it was moving in a way that I have not experienced in such a long time, not since my Caribbean boyfriend, when we were good. But, it is not without its own issues...for I am once again the other woman.
Like so many before, I met this man on a passionate weekend in a faraway city. These gestures are genuine and endearing, and I love him for his candor and expression. But they aren't yet the grand gesture...the moment where he hops on a plane and knocks on my door. But that only exists in the movies, right? So, for now, I am keeping a slight distance, something that is very difficult for my "head-in-first" attitude, but nonetheless necessary. Because the movies have also taught me that they never leave the comfort and consistency of that which they know, even if its not the true happiness that they seek.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Realness
Ok, I KNOW that realness is not actually a word, but for purposes of this blog, please work with me on this.
I recently met a man that I went out on a few dates with. He was tall, dark, and handsome, not to mention charming and cool. He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors, standing when I stood, and pulling out my chair for me. He was attentive, constantly communicative, and genuinely interested.
Or so I thought.
Jump to today, and he's none of those things. After ending things quite abruptly and harshly...and after a slight bit of online sleuthing, I discover that he's...wait for it...you guessed it...MARRIED. Not as in divorced, separated - like he told me of course - but as in still very much with his wife and visiting relatives this weekend with their son.
The discovery of this knowledge seriously made me sick to my stomach. How is it possible that another man can lie to me with such ease and unconsequence? How is it possible that I can be so absolutely gullible? To my credit, he was super smooth, super confident, and super prepared in his stories, his responses, his actions. How was I to know? How does anyone really know? How's that for realness?
As we all know, I have had my fair share of bloggable dating woes, but this one truly takes the cake. How's that for the realness of dating? So, the next time a man asks why I have some issues trusting men, I am going to show him the lineage of texts that transpired into this madness. And then ask him why I should?
Memories
One of the blogs I subscribe to is also written by a single woman exploring this crazy game of life. She recently posted a blog entitled "Memory." This one particularly struck a chord with me.
While recently looking at a photo taken during a difficult time in her life awhile back, she states, "I remember thinking to myself...that even when things were awful, there was still beauty in the world, that life was still good." She goes on to say how even now she has the same feelings associated with those memories, despite everything being good now.
It's the song that takes you back to a special day, a painful break-up, a fun night out with friends. It's the smell that takes you back to a country you once visited and found your passion. It's the rainbow I saw on my Caribbean island the day before I left, the one that appeared after the torrents of rain. A fragile piece of immaculate hope in the surrounding abyss.
As one of her other followers states: "I believe that photos, music, images, smells, they are all profound parts of our memory and our memory is what makes us who we are with our history."
And partially as an homage to her post: We Found Love by Rihanna - "You wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good."
While recently looking at a photo taken during a difficult time in her life awhile back, she states, "I remember thinking to myself...that even when things were awful, there was still beauty in the world, that life was still good." She goes on to say how even now she has the same feelings associated with those memories, despite everything being good now.
It's the song that takes you back to a special day, a painful break-up, a fun night out with friends. It's the smell that takes you back to a country you once visited and found your passion. It's the rainbow I saw on my Caribbean island the day before I left, the one that appeared after the torrents of rain. A fragile piece of immaculate hope in the surrounding abyss.
As one of her other followers states: "I believe that photos, music, images, smells, they are all profound parts of our memory and our memory is what makes us who we are with our history."
And partially as an homage to her post: We Found Love by Rihanna - "You wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you could have the good."
Adventure #24: Service Seminar
Last week, I attended a seminar that focused on human trafficking. I have become very interested in this topic over the past year or so, predominantly for two reasons. First, the city I live in is unfortunately a major hub for the industry. Second, the Caribbean island that has my soul is also a major player in this sick game. So, two locales that I love are involved heavily in this atrocity that enslaves approximately 21-28 million people currently.
The seminar, though dry, was a look into the history of slavery and the transformation into modern-day trafficking. Armed with more ammunition for wanting to make a difference, I have added more service opportunities to my calendar in the near future. It's time that I stopped being so selfish, so full of self-pity at times, and realize what a great opportunity I have to help another human being. We all deserve to be treated as such.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)