Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

There's something about planes, something about flying, something about the act of leaving and arriving that just profoundly unsettles me, not like a fish out of water, but more like a fish realizing he's been in water the whole time. I seem to get lost in myself, lost in my thoughts, and even lost in my soul. Maybe it's just too much time to wait and think, but I personally think it's more than that...for it's in the most difficult situations that you learn the most about yourself.

Several years ago I was dating a man back home and had met him and a few friends for a weekend getaway. I'll never forget how devastated I was to leave him and how truly alone I felt as I watched people hurriedly racing around me to catch flights and others not-so-patiently waiting for their delayed flights to nowhere and everywhere at the same time. My crying was so unrestrained (and believe me, I can cry with the best of them!) that a concerned man nearby asked if I was coming or going, and I told him the truth: I had absolutely no idea. I often think back to that moment and how severely true that sentiment is for me. I never feel settled, always as though I'm coming or going and usually both at the same time. I guess that's why I like traveling so much...it's the one place that I don't have to make an excuse for feeling pulled in different directions...because I literally am.

Every time I go to my hometown, I'm not sure if that's my home or if my new home is. I am always beyond excited to go there, but as soon as I arrive, I feel like I'm in a box being squeezed in from all directions. It can be suffocating...yet it's my home. It's my family. And if I had to leave it all or take the bad with the good, I would definitely make the latter choice.

Sometimes it's our history that has a way of reminding us that it's up to us to decide where we travel from here...in a plane, a train, or automobile. Or maybe even another mode of transport of our own desire's choosing.

The song of the day: Leaving on a Jet Plane by Chantal Kreviazuk, a song that I absolutely loved back when some of my family came into my life for the first time.