Update: Irreparable Damage

I've written a few posts on similar topics previously: here and here, but this entry is most closely related to my last one about disappointment.

I need to set one thing clear: this diatribe isn't about not getting what I wanted for Christmas, ok actually maybe it is. The truth is that I asked out loud for "normal" gifts received on this holiday, things like perfume, cds, and jewelry, and those are all items that I found under the tree on Christmas morning. But, you know what? What I really wanted, down deep in my soul, wasn't actually so tangible. I wanted time well spent with friends and family, and sadly that is not what I have received. In some cases, perhaps my true desires weren't so verbally expressed, but in other instances, my intentions were crystal clear. Regardless, if someone means something to you, wouldn't you do everything you can to show that person how much they mean to you?

My friendship wasn't important enough to even garner a personal apology, but even if I'd received one, I know my soul would not have been receptive to it. "Some actions, some words you just can't take back, and in a single moment, in a flash of an instant, your feelings about a situation or a relationship are changed forever." Some relationships, no matter their length, just can't be fixed, and consistently excusing their behavior won't make the bonds whole again. Plus, that would never be my personality anyway. I have always and will always refuse to be someone's doormat. When hatred is rooted deep, at some point you just have to stop laying down like one, even when it may hurt someone else close to the situation. At the end of the day, no one is going to take care of me but me.

My anger, my fury is fueled by my sadness, and isn't that the worst kind? To make matters worse, my soul has been damaged, and when your soul is hurt, how do you really repair that? My ex, after four years, was quite familiar with all things me, and my difficult relationships were no exception. Selfishly, it's times like these that I miss him the most, because he alone could understand my hurt better than anyone else.

Interestingly, though he's been known to let me down more than the average joe, much more I'm afraid, the man who keeps me up at night has been my surprising comfort during the past few days...I guess sometimes they do surprise you, in a good way.