In Control

I have a distinct need to be in control. I think most people do, but there is even a personality assessment out there that classifies me as needing to be "in control." Like, literally, that's the name of one of the four types. As with most assessments of this kind, it fits me to a tee.

Well, the problem is always inherently that I have no control over other people, what they say, what they do, and it hurts. I mean, really hurts. An old friend of mine is adamant that I will bounce back, and of course, he's right, but that doesn't take the pain away now. He also says that my giving doesn't give someone the right to take to the point of using me, but that is precisely what has happened. Specifically, it's just in my nature to give and give, which ultimately leads to me letting my guard down and allowing someone to hurt me. The bottom line, though, is that this person comes back for more and more, and I allow him to take and take.

You may ask yourself why I allow this to happen, when it often leads to a lot of pain. Well, it's easy when the in-between is filled with laughter and fun. It's easy to forget that he lies to me, keeps things from me, and refuses to take ownership of his mistakes.

We all lie. As of late, I have been asking myself repeatedly why people lie. Of course, it's for a myriad of reasons, based on need, want, and desire and plays itself out differently based on any given relationship. But when you cannot for the life of you determine what is to gain in the lie, how do you make any sense of it? When you have been caught red-handed in the middle of an outright lie and still deny it, what in the world are you thinking?

I thought Superman and I were finding a good place for ourselves, somewhere in the immense desert between friends and lovers, but our friendship to him wasn't even worth saving...and it hurts, really hurts. Because he has so many times before, everyone believes he will come back again at some point. I'm not so sure this time. His statements had a sense of finality, and without at least admitting to the lie, I cannot move forward in any capacity with him. And it hurts to have no control over what I mean to him and in his life, regardless of what I thought I meant to him and what he means to me. But then again, if I truly meant something to him, there would have been no need to lie, now would there? So, what else in our relationship has been a lie? Everything?! The thought that there may be more is simply overwhelming...to my head and my heart.